This one's for me...

[[started on February 1st 2010 at 11:15pm]]

I remember a few months back my best friend had a moment like I did just now of confusion and loss of self and I told her to do exactly what I am about to do.

I am going to make a list about every thing I love about myself.

Not to be conceited but to remind me of who I really am.

So here goes...

(feel free to do the same for you. never feel bad about praising yourself. but in moderation. if you want. in a comment or a post of your own, write down everything you love about yourself. silly or not. Or feel free to stroke my ego and tell me what you love about me :p)

Things I love about myself:

1. the fact that when I laugh sometimes I sound like I'm hiccuping, it reminds me of my Lola Bet.
2. how cheery I can get around people.
3. the way I smile.
4. the way my hair falls after I take a shower
5. the way I walk fast
6. that when I sing I pretend I'm singing in the shower so I don't feel so self-conscious about it
7. the fact that I don't give up when I know in my heart what I feel is right.
8. when I'm completely hyper
9. when I make people smile :]
10. that I genuinely care for other people.
11. that I'm incredibly insightful
12. that I'm incredibly loyal
13. when I'm loud
14. when I'm quiet
15. my contradictions
16. my soft hands
17. my strong words
18. my legs
19. my bangs
20. my sorta not so button nose :0)
21. the way I write (handwriting)
22. the way I write (composition)
23. how passionate I am about things
24. my musical inclinations
25. my love for languages
26. my levels of understanding for people
27. my levels of understanding for certain human behavior
28. my analytical mind
29. my irrational mind
30. the fact that I question the world
31. my soft skin
32. the color of my soft skin
33. the fact that when I step outside in the sun for a short amount of time in the summer I get 5shades darker :p
34. the way I swim
35. my openness to different religions
36. my openness to different cultures
37. all three of my birthmarks
38. the way my hair smells
39. my dark brown eyes
40. that i always try to better myself
41. that i can admit when I'm wrong
42. that I don't get cold easily
43. that my hands are always warm
44. that my toes are always cold
45. that I always try to sleep with a smile on
46. that I'm an optimist
47. my curves
48. the way i can mold my voice to mock anyone's
49. my love for things different
50. my want to be different
51. my open heart
52. my open mind
53. my consistent heart
54. my inconsisent mind
55. my locking jaw
56. my awkward standing position
57. my graceful walk
58. my clumsiness
59. my desire to change the world
60. my desire to help the ones i love
61. my selfishness
62. my selflessness
63. my intuition
64. my uncanny way of always finding my own way when im lost (driving)
65. my uncanny way of always finding my own way when im lost (life)
66. my love for literature
67. my love for music
68. my love for art
69. my determination to finish this post
70. my determination to finish anything i dare myself to do
71. the fact that i dare myself to do things that i normally would never do
72. my love for cooking
73. my awkward way of sleeping
74. my ability to see things about people others wouldnt
75. my ability to read people
76. my memory
77. my powers of observation
78. my lack of attention
79. my wild side
80. my introverted behavior
81. my dry humor
82. my interest in seemly odd things
83. the way i dance in the middle of the street
84. the way i make it a point to howl at every full moon
85. the fact that i love to swim but am completely terrified of drowning
86. how i love to stand in the rain
87. that i appreciate every little gesture
88. that i'll fall for a smile :]
89. the way i dance
90. the way i live
91. the way i dream
92. the way i am
93. my beliefs
94. my faith in others
95. my faith in the ones I love
96. my faith in myself
97. my love for others
98. my love for my family
99. my love for people close to me
100. my love for myself

it took me a lot longer to realize these things about myself and it was a lot harder than i thought it would be...but this is only the beginning.

i realize that i do need to find out a lot more about myself but im ready and willing to learn...

some of you may have taught me something

others still continue to teach

and most of you have no idea how much you have to give.

think about this:

If you were put in my life, even if only for a second...

you have changed it.

i strongly believe this.

so take that with you.

accept that you have changed at least one person's life

and start that ripple

throw a stone into a river and create rings

create waves

and monsoons.

thank you for reading this

thank you for caring enough

thank you for being a ripple into the ocean that is my life...

iloveyou.

have a wonderful day :]<3

selfpitypartyover.

no seriously.

i dont know what came over me.

sometimes when i get upset a series of crazy thoughts cloud my mind and i find myself starting to spiral backwards

like Alice down the rabbit hole.

except i dont need a purple cat to bring me back

just my mom and my dog.

I apologize.

I have nothing to say. I have everything to tell.

I know nothing i say will sound right

I have no idea what I want to say but at the same time i know everything that I feel.

Like now for example.

I had every idea about where I wanted to go with this but when it comes down to it...

i have no idea anymore.

It seems to be getting me into some trouble lately.

I dont want to say anything but I dont know what to...

I question everything about myself.

I think about things

and think and think and think until i think im going mad.

and maybe i am.

Part of me doesnt even want to say any of the things i am because

some of you that see this wont care

some of you will see this and worry (which is not at all what i want)

some of you will see this and wonder if i was ever sane to begin with

am i sane?

some times i highly doubt it

and im totally deviating.

the fact of the matter is...

i've been so inarticulate lately

the girl who loves words

suddenly forgot how to use them.

i dont write anymore because i dont feel like i can.

the fact of the matter is i wrote because i needed to.

because i felt like it kept me sane

and then when things got better i wrote less because i didnt need to anymore

and so then what? i lost something i loved and i began to try to take it back.

what am i even talking about?!

this isnt what i wanted to say

(by the way im just writing whatever comes to mind now)

so what did i want to say?

what do i want to say?

i find that lately...

since i graduated

i dont know anything anymore

i feel like with everything that i have learned

i seemed to have traded it with everything i knew.

like writing or how to be a proper friend

i havent talked/seen/kept up with any of my close friends because to be honest

i wouldnt know what to say.

i want to see everyone i miss but i wouldnt know where to begin or what to begin with.

and lets face it.

we've all changed now havent we?

we're not the same people we were 6months ago or however long its been.

we try to grasp onto things that were fraying...

or am i just trying to isolate?

am i just trying to make myself an island?

because what?

before it was because i was depressed.

but im not

i havent been.

so then why am i shrinking my world

because im happy?

because im afraid that me being happy will make others hurt?

maybe?

yes. no.

yes and no.

i feel like a lot of the time for the past... i dont even know

im always at war with myself

my logic and my emotion.

and there are days where i get so sidetracked and so scattered that i dont know what to do

but then there are days where i get so focused on things that i want things that i know and for those days i feel like i know everything i need to know about myself.

and of course there are days like today.

that start one way and end up in another

roller coasters. but the day isnt over yet. is it?

i can still turn things around

ohmyy

pass me the lith.

i dont know where im going with this.

is it normal to question your own sanity

its times like these where i really do want to isolate and push away people i love because im afraid that when i get this way i can hurt them.

i dont even know why im crying right now.

i dont even know what im saying.

maybe i am crazy.

my mind is running in circles.

why am i posting this?

do i want everyone to know what im feeling

or am i just crying out and if so what for?

am i even gonna post this?

why type any of this up to begin with?

because my pen isnt fast enough anymore?

or is it just my justification for making sure everyone sees what i say?

for it to hurt.

but i dont want to hurt.

i dont...

i find that a lot of the time

i keep things in because i feel that it will be easier that way.

it would be easier not to tell people when things bother me

because that way i wont bother them.

and so it gets bottled up into so many different things that i end up feeling like i do at this moment.

like i have to let everything out before i explode.

i dont want to talk to people.

but at the same time i want to tell someone.

i want to be strong.

look strong.

act strong.

so that the people i love, the people i care for and want to help wont see that the person assisting them with their air mask only has hers half on and isnt sure whether she even did it right.

then i guess im not helping anyone am i?

and fuck.

i ended up not doing anything i wanted today.

for all different reasons.

ajioehdfipo'hnai'oefhipdjiawjedfipj'afeopwds.

i need to shut up now.

shut up as in stop talking

before i shut up completely.