I have nothing to say. I have everything to tell.

I know nothing i say will sound right

I have no idea what I want to say but at the same time i know everything that I feel.

Like now for example.

I had every idea about where I wanted to go with this but when it comes down to it...

i have no idea anymore.

It seems to be getting me into some trouble lately.

I dont want to say anything but I dont know what to...

I question everything about myself.

I think about things

and think and think and think until i think im going mad.

and maybe i am.

Part of me doesnt even want to say any of the things i am because

some of you that see this wont care

some of you will see this and worry (which is not at all what i want)

some of you will see this and wonder if i was ever sane to begin with

am i sane?

some times i highly doubt it

and im totally deviating.

the fact of the matter is...

i've been so inarticulate lately

the girl who loves words

suddenly forgot how to use them.

i dont write anymore because i dont feel like i can.

the fact of the matter is i wrote because i needed to.

because i felt like it kept me sane

and then when things got better i wrote less because i didnt need to anymore

and so then what? i lost something i loved and i began to try to take it back.

what am i even talking about?!

this isnt what i wanted to say

(by the way im just writing whatever comes to mind now)

so what did i want to say?

what do i want to say?

i find that lately...

since i graduated

i dont know anything anymore

i feel like with everything that i have learned

i seemed to have traded it with everything i knew.

like writing or how to be a proper friend

i havent talked/seen/kept up with any of my close friends because to be honest

i wouldnt know what to say.

i want to see everyone i miss but i wouldnt know where to begin or what to begin with.

and lets face it.

we've all changed now havent we?

we're not the same people we were 6months ago or however long its been.

we try to grasp onto things that were fraying...

or am i just trying to isolate?

am i just trying to make myself an island?

because what?

before it was because i was depressed.

but im not

i havent been.

so then why am i shrinking my world

because im happy?

because im afraid that me being happy will make others hurt?

maybe?

yes. no.

yes and no.

i feel like a lot of the time for the past... i dont even know

im always at war with myself

my logic and my emotion.

and there are days where i get so sidetracked and so scattered that i dont know what to do

but then there are days where i get so focused on things that i want things that i know and for those days i feel like i know everything i need to know about myself.

and of course there are days like today.

that start one way and end up in another

roller coasters. but the day isnt over yet. is it?

i can still turn things around

ohmyy

pass me the lith.

i dont know where im going with this.

is it normal to question your own sanity

its times like these where i really do want to isolate and push away people i love because im afraid that when i get this way i can hurt them.

i dont even know why im crying right now.

i dont even know what im saying.

maybe i am crazy.

my mind is running in circles.

why am i posting this?

do i want everyone to know what im feeling

or am i just crying out and if so what for?

am i even gonna post this?

why type any of this up to begin with?

because my pen isnt fast enough anymore?

or is it just my justification for making sure everyone sees what i say?

for it to hurt.

but i dont want to hurt.

i dont...

i find that a lot of the time

i keep things in because i feel that it will be easier that way.

it would be easier not to tell people when things bother me

because that way i wont bother them.

and so it gets bottled up into so many different things that i end up feeling like i do at this moment.

like i have to let everything out before i explode.

i dont want to talk to people.

but at the same time i want to tell someone.

i want to be strong.

look strong.

act strong.

so that the people i love, the people i care for and want to help wont see that the person assisting them with their air mask only has hers half on and isnt sure whether she even did it right.

then i guess im not helping anyone am i?

and fuck.

i ended up not doing anything i wanted today.

for all different reasons.

ajioehdfipo'hnai'oefhipdjiawjedfipj'afeopwds.

i need to shut up now.

shut up as in stop talking

before i shut up completely.