bahhh

I feel kinda sick lately >.<
but oh well.

Ive taken to spending more time with my family too.
I started taking piano lessons from my aunt again
for two reasons.
1. her grand piano is BEAUTIFUL and i love to play it. even if i mess up it sounds amazinggg :]
2. i miss her sometimes.

before my cousin was born my aunt and i used to hang out all the time.
she's my namesake :]
so im kinda using it as an excuse to chill at her house.

and as an excuse to get out of mine
its not that i dont want to be home or that anything is wrong
i just...
i cant stay in my house anymore.
it feels like im always home
and i like having reasons to drive around
[ yay snowflake ! ]

oh and i had this weird dream last night
about my father.
i dreamt i called him
or rather. he called me
and everything went well
but i was scared. because it sounded like something was wrong with him
i dont think thats the case. but im still kinda worried
ive been putting off calling him for a while now
i keep finding excuses not to.
i havent talked to him in months. >.<

blehhh.
my nose is runny
my ears are clogged
and my voice sounds like an old woman after a tracheotomy for smoking for 29012839213years
lol.
but i definitely feel better than i did the other day.
so im cool

akfjoiejdl
crystal springs yesterday was awesome!
lol
and we had a bbq at my house.
soooo much fun

i miss having family functions like that.
after everyone left my uncle and my parents and the rest of his family
we all went to the basement to show them the mini gym we have
and it was funny because he saw our old karate stuff
and i remembered when i was little and we all used to go together
i even got him to do some kicks like we used to
and our old forms and basics
:]
he was so happy and peaceful doing those things like we used to

i saw him light up
i like that.
and i miss it too.

If you were to die tomorrow...

what would be one thing you'd want to do?

that was a topic in speech class today :]
and i know exactly what i would want.

I would want to be able to tell everyone EXACTLY
what im thinking and feeling at the moment

to be completely honest.

i mean its not that im not honest enough already
i just want to know that ive said everything ive wanted to.

and I think that
i'm starting to open up to that

I've started this thing
on my facebook and twitter pages

100truths for 100days
everyday im going to post something ive never told anyone

Im already on day 3
its kinda weird i know
but w/e
most of them are being taken from my
This Is Me, I think?
post.
but i think starting tomorrow im going to start making new ones.
and then get the best from that post

im keeping the last 10 though :]

So many things to say, but oddly enough i have no idea how to even approach saying them...

Actually thats a lie.
its not odd at all.

Most of the time I have no idea what to say.
and the fact that im so quick witted most of the time surprises me
i dont even realize ive responded
let alone responded intelligently
until ive said it and processed what ive said.

today has been interesting to say the least.
just another crazy day at work.

i find that...

WOAH!
i just completely lost my train of thought
like entirely
i dont even know where i was going with that
or in what general vicinity i was directing my statement
>.<

crazyyyy


anyway...
so today was actually a pretty good day

[[ completely contradicting my previous statement i know ]]
i have the tendency to contradict myself all the time
i even contradict my contradictions

anywayyy...
lol.
uhm. yeah.
soo as i was saying
[typing?]
yes. so today was good.
with the minor exception of some creepy crazy hobo
who walked into our store today.
and proceeded to request that i be
"put on that sandwich" ?
which is kind of gross.

okay EXTREMELY gross
and veryyyy awkward.
he kept calling me honey
and sweetie and all kinds of things.
while i was wrapping his food and ringing him up
after a few more creepy glares and stuff i just couldnt take it anymore
so i told him not to call me honey

and he then proceeded to flip out.
telling me i was rude and angry
and he made this huge scene about it.
so...
i told him to get out.
and i threatened to call the cops
i almost did too.

he scared me.
im not quite sure why
i mean there is the obvious:
hes crazy

but i think i was more afraid as to what i would have done
had he not left.
meaning had he decided to do something drastic
like physically harrass me.
i guess?

which i guess brings me to my next thought:
what would i have done?
well i clearly would have not tolerated him attacking me
therefore i would attack back?
but then...
i dont know.

it goes down to
him or me?

so what does survival mean?
at the risk of someone elses?

i think thats what i was most afraid of.
after he left i couldnt stop shaking
i only stopped shaking about and hour or so ago
after drinking tea by the suggestion of a friend.

i find it ironic that i just started reading the Lord of the Flies
in english

because it directly ties to my aforementioned question.
which i never answered.

my biggest fear in that sense is to lose control in a state of heated emotion.
like fear or anger.
and hurt [and overall] kill someone.
the possiblility of the loss of emotional control kinda freaks me out in a way.
in that sense at least.

i mean i know ive said that if it were
me vs someone threatening me
i would overall choose selfdefense
but how much of that is really true?

i dont think i would.
well okay not that i wouldnt
but more that i couldnt.

i dont want to hurt anyone
and id feel guilty for it.
even though it would be in selfdefense.

does that make any sense at all?
i guess not.

i dont know.
all i know is

i hope he never comes back
ever.
but i see him walking by all the time
and he like waves at me through the window
and i pretend not to see.

i really do hope i never see him again.

Lately, I've had the strangest feeling...

wow. i havent thought of that song in a while
>.<
[[ Jodeci: Lately ]]

anyway...
know what else i havent done in a while?
blog.

Ive been slackin big time.
I think its because lately
ive been trying to keep busy

the busier i am the more i can keep my mind off of things

like the fact that graduation is in a month
and that i only have like 24days of Highschool left.
it feels so weird

its like you wait your entire life for the moment you graduate
and then you get here and...

im being redundant

anywaysss...
ive been very poetic lately.
i was sitting in the car yesterday and i came up with like
3 poems.

crazyyy.

im incredibly tired
and apparently very boring today.
since i was sooo ready to write something
and ive now forgotten what it was >.<
lolol.

so with that
i say

good night
good night
parting is such sweet sorrow...
but i shall say goodnight til it be morrow. :]

[[ Shakespeare FTW! ]]