So many things to say, but oddly enough i have no idea how to even approach saying them...

Actually thats a lie.
its not odd at all.

Most of the time I have no idea what to say.
and the fact that im so quick witted most of the time surprises me
i dont even realize ive responded
let alone responded intelligently
until ive said it and processed what ive said.

today has been interesting to say the least.
just another crazy day at work.

i find that...

WOAH!
i just completely lost my train of thought
like entirely
i dont even know where i was going with that
or in what general vicinity i was directing my statement
>.<

crazyyyy


anyway...
so today was actually a pretty good day

[[ completely contradicting my previous statement i know ]]
i have the tendency to contradict myself all the time
i even contradict my contradictions

anywayyy...
lol.
uhm. yeah.
soo as i was saying
[typing?]
yes. so today was good.
with the minor exception of some creepy crazy hobo
who walked into our store today.
and proceeded to request that i be
"put on that sandwich" ?
which is kind of gross.

okay EXTREMELY gross
and veryyyy awkward.
he kept calling me honey
and sweetie and all kinds of things.
while i was wrapping his food and ringing him up
after a few more creepy glares and stuff i just couldnt take it anymore
so i told him not to call me honey

and he then proceeded to flip out.
telling me i was rude and angry
and he made this huge scene about it.
so...
i told him to get out.
and i threatened to call the cops
i almost did too.

he scared me.
im not quite sure why
i mean there is the obvious:
hes crazy

but i think i was more afraid as to what i would have done
had he not left.
meaning had he decided to do something drastic
like physically harrass me.
i guess?

which i guess brings me to my next thought:
what would i have done?
well i clearly would have not tolerated him attacking me
therefore i would attack back?
but then...
i dont know.

it goes down to
him or me?

so what does survival mean?
at the risk of someone elses?

i think thats what i was most afraid of.
after he left i couldnt stop shaking
i only stopped shaking about and hour or so ago
after drinking tea by the suggestion of a friend.

i find it ironic that i just started reading the Lord of the Flies
in english

because it directly ties to my aforementioned question.
which i never answered.

my biggest fear in that sense is to lose control in a state of heated emotion.
like fear or anger.
and hurt [and overall] kill someone.
the possiblility of the loss of emotional control kinda freaks me out in a way.
in that sense at least.

i mean i know ive said that if it were
me vs someone threatening me
i would overall choose selfdefense
but how much of that is really true?

i dont think i would.
well okay not that i wouldnt
but more that i couldnt.

i dont want to hurt anyone
and id feel guilty for it.
even though it would be in selfdefense.

does that make any sense at all?
i guess not.

i dont know.
all i know is

i hope he never comes back
ever.
but i see him walking by all the time
and he like waves at me through the window
and i pretend not to see.

i really do hope i never see him again.