This one's for me...

[[started on February 1st 2010 at 11:15pm]]

I remember a few months back my best friend had a moment like I did just now of confusion and loss of self and I told her to do exactly what I am about to do.

I am going to make a list about every thing I love about myself.

Not to be conceited but to remind me of who I really am.

So here goes...

(feel free to do the same for you. never feel bad about praising yourself. but in moderation. if you want. in a comment or a post of your own, write down everything you love about yourself. silly or not. Or feel free to stroke my ego and tell me what you love about me :p)

Things I love about myself:

1. the fact that when I laugh sometimes I sound like I'm hiccuping, it reminds me of my Lola Bet.
2. how cheery I can get around people.
3. the way I smile.
4. the way my hair falls after I take a shower
5. the way I walk fast
6. that when I sing I pretend I'm singing in the shower so I don't feel so self-conscious about it
7. the fact that I don't give up when I know in my heart what I feel is right.
8. when I'm completely hyper
9. when I make people smile :]
10. that I genuinely care for other people.
11. that I'm incredibly insightful
12. that I'm incredibly loyal
13. when I'm loud
14. when I'm quiet
15. my contradictions
16. my soft hands
17. my strong words
18. my legs
19. my bangs
20. my sorta not so button nose :0)
21. the way I write (handwriting)
22. the way I write (composition)
23. how passionate I am about things
24. my musical inclinations
25. my love for languages
26. my levels of understanding for people
27. my levels of understanding for certain human behavior
28. my analytical mind
29. my irrational mind
30. the fact that I question the world
31. my soft skin
32. the color of my soft skin
33. the fact that when I step outside in the sun for a short amount of time in the summer I get 5shades darker :p
34. the way I swim
35. my openness to different religions
36. my openness to different cultures
37. all three of my birthmarks
38. the way my hair smells
39. my dark brown eyes
40. that i always try to better myself
41. that i can admit when I'm wrong
42. that I don't get cold easily
43. that my hands are always warm
44. that my toes are always cold
45. that I always try to sleep with a smile on
46. that I'm an optimist
47. my curves
48. the way i can mold my voice to mock anyone's
49. my love for things different
50. my want to be different
51. my open heart
52. my open mind
53. my consistent heart
54. my inconsisent mind
55. my locking jaw
56. my awkward standing position
57. my graceful walk
58. my clumsiness
59. my desire to change the world
60. my desire to help the ones i love
61. my selfishness
62. my selflessness
63. my intuition
64. my uncanny way of always finding my own way when im lost (driving)
65. my uncanny way of always finding my own way when im lost (life)
66. my love for literature
67. my love for music
68. my love for art
69. my determination to finish this post
70. my determination to finish anything i dare myself to do
71. the fact that i dare myself to do things that i normally would never do
72. my love for cooking
73. my awkward way of sleeping
74. my ability to see things about people others wouldnt
75. my ability to read people
76. my memory
77. my powers of observation
78. my lack of attention
79. my wild side
80. my introverted behavior
81. my dry humor
82. my interest in seemly odd things
83. the way i dance in the middle of the street
84. the way i make it a point to howl at every full moon
85. the fact that i love to swim but am completely terrified of drowning
86. how i love to stand in the rain
87. that i appreciate every little gesture
88. that i'll fall for a smile :]
89. the way i dance
90. the way i live
91. the way i dream
92. the way i am
93. my beliefs
94. my faith in others
95. my faith in the ones I love
96. my faith in myself
97. my love for others
98. my love for my family
99. my love for people close to me
100. my love for myself

it took me a lot longer to realize these things about myself and it was a lot harder than i thought it would be...but this is only the beginning.

i realize that i do need to find out a lot more about myself but im ready and willing to learn...

some of you may have taught me something

others still continue to teach

and most of you have no idea how much you have to give.

think about this:

If you were put in my life, even if only for a second...

you have changed it.

i strongly believe this.

so take that with you.

accept that you have changed at least one person's life

and start that ripple

throw a stone into a river and create rings

create waves

and monsoons.

thank you for reading this

thank you for caring enough

thank you for being a ripple into the ocean that is my life...

iloveyou.

have a wonderful day :]<3

selfpitypartyover.

no seriously.

i dont know what came over me.

sometimes when i get upset a series of crazy thoughts cloud my mind and i find myself starting to spiral backwards

like Alice down the rabbit hole.

except i dont need a purple cat to bring me back

just my mom and my dog.

I apologize.

I have nothing to say. I have everything to tell.

I know nothing i say will sound right

I have no idea what I want to say but at the same time i know everything that I feel.

Like now for example.

I had every idea about where I wanted to go with this but when it comes down to it...

i have no idea anymore.

It seems to be getting me into some trouble lately.

I dont want to say anything but I dont know what to...

I question everything about myself.

I think about things

and think and think and think until i think im going mad.

and maybe i am.

Part of me doesnt even want to say any of the things i am because

some of you that see this wont care

some of you will see this and worry (which is not at all what i want)

some of you will see this and wonder if i was ever sane to begin with

am i sane?

some times i highly doubt it

and im totally deviating.

the fact of the matter is...

i've been so inarticulate lately

the girl who loves words

suddenly forgot how to use them.

i dont write anymore because i dont feel like i can.

the fact of the matter is i wrote because i needed to.

because i felt like it kept me sane

and then when things got better i wrote less because i didnt need to anymore

and so then what? i lost something i loved and i began to try to take it back.

what am i even talking about?!

this isnt what i wanted to say

(by the way im just writing whatever comes to mind now)

so what did i want to say?

what do i want to say?

i find that lately...

since i graduated

i dont know anything anymore

i feel like with everything that i have learned

i seemed to have traded it with everything i knew.

like writing or how to be a proper friend

i havent talked/seen/kept up with any of my close friends because to be honest

i wouldnt know what to say.

i want to see everyone i miss but i wouldnt know where to begin or what to begin with.

and lets face it.

we've all changed now havent we?

we're not the same people we were 6months ago or however long its been.

we try to grasp onto things that were fraying...

or am i just trying to isolate?

am i just trying to make myself an island?

because what?

before it was because i was depressed.

but im not

i havent been.

so then why am i shrinking my world

because im happy?

because im afraid that me being happy will make others hurt?

maybe?

yes. no.

yes and no.

i feel like a lot of the time for the past... i dont even know

im always at war with myself

my logic and my emotion.

and there are days where i get so sidetracked and so scattered that i dont know what to do

but then there are days where i get so focused on things that i want things that i know and for those days i feel like i know everything i need to know about myself.

and of course there are days like today.

that start one way and end up in another

roller coasters. but the day isnt over yet. is it?

i can still turn things around

ohmyy

pass me the lith.

i dont know where im going with this.

is it normal to question your own sanity

its times like these where i really do want to isolate and push away people i love because im afraid that when i get this way i can hurt them.

i dont even know why im crying right now.

i dont even know what im saying.

maybe i am crazy.

my mind is running in circles.

why am i posting this?

do i want everyone to know what im feeling

or am i just crying out and if so what for?

am i even gonna post this?

why type any of this up to begin with?

because my pen isnt fast enough anymore?

or is it just my justification for making sure everyone sees what i say?

for it to hurt.

but i dont want to hurt.

i dont...

i find that a lot of the time

i keep things in because i feel that it will be easier that way.

it would be easier not to tell people when things bother me

because that way i wont bother them.

and so it gets bottled up into so many different things that i end up feeling like i do at this moment.

like i have to let everything out before i explode.

i dont want to talk to people.

but at the same time i want to tell someone.

i want to be strong.

look strong.

act strong.

so that the people i love, the people i care for and want to help wont see that the person assisting them with their air mask only has hers half on and isnt sure whether she even did it right.

then i guess im not helping anyone am i?

and fuck.

i ended up not doing anything i wanted today.

for all different reasons.

ajioehdfipo'hnai'oefhipdjiawjedfipj'afeopwds.

i need to shut up now.

shut up as in stop talking

before i shut up completely.

So far, so so good. :]

The New Year has been good to me

And I hope, dear reader, that it has been good to you as well.

It turns out that New Year's Eve was just as good as any other

and the best part was that when the ball dropped at midnight,

I was not alone. :]

I was fortunate enough to have my family surrounding me,

and my wonderful boyfriend at my side.

His name is Dralle, by the way,

if you've noticed I never mention names in this blog

but his is rather important.

to me at least :]

We went outside with my cousin to watch the (illegal) fireworks that my grandmother's neighbors were setting off

and we had a little snowball fight too.

As for the days to follow the beginning of the New Year,

they too have been good to me :]

I believe that this year will be even better than the one before it.

I've done a lot of thinking over the past few days of what I want.

I did not make a resolution at midnight

for I have not much to resolve.

but I do have a few things that I know I want for myself.

for this year and all the other years to come...

So what exactly happened?

Almost four years ago,

I was incredibly depressed.

I didnt know who I was and I felt that I was expected to be perfect from everyone around me.

In retrospect I think its safe to say that I felt like a failure

as a student

as a sister

as a daughter

as a role model to my cousins

as a person in general

I didnt feel like I deserved love from anyone else

especially not myself

I hated myself.

hated every little part about me

I was stressed out and overreacting to everything that was happening in my life

and so, I began to push people away.

(something i got incredibly good at and am now trying to unlearn)

I figured that I was saving them from the trouble of knowing the trainwreck I was becoming.

My grades were horrible

and so the more i felt like a failure

I didnt want to go to school.

I didnt want to deal with people

I just wanted to be alone

I slept all the time.

I did nothing with my life

and so the more i felt worse.

it just kept snowballing and all of a sudden

a tiny snowflake turned into an avalanche of apparent failure.

And so...

on March 10th 2006

I decided that I wanted to end it.

for good.

I wanted to die.

I couldnt stand myself so much that I thought the best way to deal with my hatred for myself was to remove myself.

smart logic i guess.

you have a toothache? take out the tooth

you've got a tumor? remove the tumor

leg aint workin? chop it off

I sat at the desk in my loft crying. Scared. Hurt. Stupid.

Just wanting it all to go away.

I took the closest and sharpest object (a pair of foldable sewing scissors)

and pulled back my sleeves

( Down the road not across the street kiddies. )

I slowly opened the scissors

( they were so cold. )

and pressed it against my left wrist

right at the base of my veins.

I was ready.

So what stopped me?

Ironically enough.

It was a dark day.

completely overcast. skies grey

no sun for miles

but the second i picked up those scissors

the second i accepted what i was about to do

the sun came out

it shown through the window and onto the silver sewing shears

the light brought me back

and i remembered everything

i thought of my family and my friends

most of all i thought of my brother

Julius

I owe him my life.

(him and a few others throughout the rest of the year too)

when he was born I swore i would protect him

what good would i be if i were dead?

i closed the scissors and i threw them into some corner where couldnt reach them

i locked myself in my room and i cried.

the rest of that year was just a roller coaster everywhere

and for a while i was still incredibly suicidal.

(and damn was i creative! just a few pills slowly one at a time would do it. hanging. drowning. jumping into oncoming traffic. stabbing myself with a kitchen knife... you name it, it definitely crossed my mind)

but i think i hid it pretty well.

(at least i think i did...who knows?)

and i never went through with it

(obviously)

i was bitter though.

i was angry.

i was hurting.

i may not have physically succeeded at killing myself but mentally and emotionally i was hella determined

Now that its been so long i can hardly imagine who i was anymore.

I want to burn that person out of my mind and heart and forget that girl ever existed

but now i know i cant do that

the truth is. at that time i was that girl.

as much as i hate to admit it i have to accept that.

it was a point in my life that was a necessary evil.

if it werent for that moment i wouldnt appreciate my life as much as i do now

i wouldnt know how to love myself.

how to accept myself.

and so here i am

I accept my past in order to receive my future.

I am sorry to everyone i have ever hurt

but most importantly

I am sorry to myself.

I know that i dont deserve to be her anymore.

and so with that i am now able to move forward.

forever.

No one really knows how hard cleaning can be...

I just finished cleaning my room in time for the new year

It took a while and a lot of throwing things away and trying to fix things that were broken.

But I did it !

Overall I think that 2009

was probably one of the BEST years of my life

[ if not the best ]

Here's Why [in no specific order]:

1. I graduated High school

--> okay yeah that part was tough and super scary (see all the posts i've written this year) but its nice to be able to say "back when I was in high school" or "this person I graduated with..."

2. I turned 18

-->actually this can go either way. I'm happy that I've finally overcome this major part of my life where I am now technically an adult, but everynow and then I wish I could fall back on the whole "No don't expect wayy too much just yet...I'm still a kid" excuse. but now that I really think about it, thats all that it was...an excuse. I should have took it as "Wow! I didn't expect that much yet...she's just a kid" but it happens

3. I finally quit my job

--> After four wonderful/stressful/hilarious/crazy years, I finally quit my job at the Q. Another thing that can go either way. I know I've been whining about how I dont know what to do anymore that I'm no longer there, to be honest, I was afraid. I don't know anything (job-wise) other than that. I dont know what other places will expect of me or whether other places will want me. But I am glad that I'm outta there. I'm not gonna lie. sometimes, i miss it. Oh the stories I could tell about my experiences there. haha. I miss the friends I've made and the people I've met. But I'm changing again. I can feel it.

4. I patched things up (for the most part) with my father

--> okay so there are things that we still need to work on I'm sure but at least now we're talking. thats a start right? and I'm not afraid to be who I truly am around him anymore. I was always scared of being myself with him. I think its because I thought he wouldnt like who "myself" was. now that im older i know better. and quite frankly, he needs to know that im not the silly little naive 2yearold he left.

5. I'm in college

--> and trying to make something of myself. trying to figure out who I am and what I want from my life. It's so hard to figure out. and just when i think i have, i realize i still dont.

6. I'm in love.

--> and I'm not afraid of it anymore. This time i know I've got it right. I'm in love with a man who treats me right and who loves me too. Its not an image of who I think he is or who I want him to be. I'm in love with everything that he is and everything I know he can be. Real. Love. and its the most amazing feeling in the world. Granted it is scary at times. To love is to know yourself as well as the object of your affection. To love is to know how to give and also how to receive. I've always known how to give love, but not how to claim it for my own. Not how to demand respect from the people I love. I know that now, and thats what makes everything so good.

There are so many things I can be thankful for this year. So many things I can look back at in 50 years and be proud of. Granted I have lost people and things I care about and love through the year, but I also found so much more.

I'm learning what life should be like and how I want it to be like. I dont want to settle for anything less than what I know I deserve.

I'm learning more about myself with everyday that I didnt know before. Things that I like, things that I love, things that I dont like, things I'm proud of, things I'm not so proud of and a few things i just cant stand and sometimes it just feels like i'm going crazy or that I've been crazy, but just too crazy to figure it out yet.

(did that make any sense at all?)

And because I feel crazy I get scared and I start to feel myself try to isolate again. Like I'm afraid that if I allow myself to be the person I think I am, that it wont be enough for the people around me or it may even be too much. So I pick fights or I test people's limits or I get afraid of ruining everything I've worked so hard to build these past three years (almost four now) and I try to push people away.

Each and every time though, I am amazed at how much people push back. how much people make me see that I dont deserve to be alone. I dont deserve to scrutinize myself the way I do.

Is it natural to feel the way I do?

I guess it is.

I realize now that the person I was back in highschool isnt the person I am at all. I put up a front. I made myself weird and loud and obnoxious and apparently CRAZY because I felt, well if these people can accept me at my worst, at my weirdest and my stupidest, well they can love me at my best right?

but see I got it all wrong. and that's why i kept feeling lost and alone.

Because the more i did that, the more they loved who they thought i was.

I dont need to be that way

I have people who love me for everything I am now and everything I am not.

I dont know how else to say that I'm so glad I am alive.

I can imagine what I want for myself but first I must be honest with myself and with everyone else...

I have to explain what happened almost four years ago.

not just to you

but to me.

I have to come to terms with it on my own level and finally let it go.

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end...

I know who I'd want to take me home...

so once again,

we reach my favorite point in time.

the day that one year ends and another begins

did i ever mention this is my favorite holiday?

i'm not exactly sure why.

actually no. i am.

1) its a new beginning. a way to take what you loved about the year that just passed and make it better and a way to start fresh from all the BS.

2) New Year's to me always seemed like the best part of the year. the part where my family gathered for complete and utter hilarity. we've always had it at my uncle's house and its pretty much tradition. everyone in my mom's side of the family shows up. we play games. set up raffles and lotteries and sometimes get the kids to host a mini show. This year its at my grandma's house. which is kinda weird considering it hasnt been in her house since everyone moved out but i dont mind.

im just glad we're all gonna be together.

...

totally just got distracted for a good half hour...

and i forgot everything i wanted to write :[

lol i'll pick up where i left off in the morning :p

As I lay me down to sleep...

So as always, i start off by saying how much i've been meaning to write...
i think that maybe i'm starting to sound like a broken record.

About a week ago i found myself yet again at a crossroad.
I felt lost.
Sometimes I still have a slight fleeting moment when I still do.

but at the same time.
I have this overwhelming sense of gratitude and luck.

Im not quite sure why i felt this way.
i think that maybe its a culmination of several things...

1) my first semester of freshman year has just ending
2) it's my first time in a long time where i dont have a job during the holiday season

i think that for the most part i felt lost because i didnt know what to do with myself.
during most if not all of my HS life i always had something to do.
ESPECIALLY during this time.
whether it was theater or work or clubs or hanging out at the library or even swimming for a short period of time.
i always had something to do.
now...
idk what to do.
I dont want to go back to the apartment because i dont want to be lazy and sleep
but on the other hand idk where to go.
so lately, well, before the break, i would go to BN and relax, maybe study.

i also havent been able to spend much.
its the first time in 4years that i havent had a job during the holiday season.
its weird
and i keep forgetting that i dont have money. :[

but its fine.
my mom found a way to remind me who i am
she's good for that and i owe her so much for it.
she never fails to bring me back.
she never fails to save me from myself.

like i said earlier though,
at the same time,
im so lucky to find that everything is falling slowly but surely into place.

first and foremost, as i have alluded to before
i am completely in love
and i think this time, i got it right :]
at first i was worried for a bit that i would lose myself again.
that i would forget myself and who i am and what i value
and to be honest...
sometimes i do.
but then i remember.
and i am able to ground myself.
and i find that this time....
its so different.
and so much better.
and for the first time...
im not the only one.
:]

i think that in retrospect this is really and truly my first love.
before, i was more eager to just feel soo...
connected.
for a while i was lonely.
i didnt know what i felt like i was missing but i knew i was missing something
and then i realized it was love
i was missing out on love
so i searched high and low and i found someone i thought could fill that void.
and to be honest...
it wasnt his fault
it was mine.
i wanted to fill a void that no one else could fill because it was a void i had to fill myself

i needed to learn to love myself
for everything i am
all my perfections and my imperfections.

so when it fell through,
i was disappointed and upset.
but i took that time to build
i took it to grow
and i found that i was ready again
and to make it count

and now that wish has come true.

above all my family life is tighter
my home is closer
and my relationship with my father is slightly steadier.
there are of course some things i need to change
but all in due time

for now..
im grateful.
im satisfied
and i am content with my life.
and you know what?

it doesnt scare me as much as it used to.
this will not fall through.
i know it wont.
because i know that this is in my hands
and that i am too happy to break it.


so yeah, i worry sometimes because i am human

but for now?
i know that this will be a wonderful holiday season and a happy new year.


so i will stop this long half asleep rant...
(which was semi inspired by a new "follower" to my blog.)
as always i know i will sleep better,
knowing that my words have flowed through.

GoodnightLove.

know what the best part about this weekend was...?

im no longer 1.

its not just gonna be 50-50

but it'll never be 25-75

or 99-1 again.

because this time when i say one.

it wont mean that im alone.

it'll mean that i'm whole.

thankyouforthat.

confused? read this

rawrgrrargh.

lkj;onarfne;nfciohfioaafa

I am soooo mad right now.

okay so this week was supposed to be the BEST WEEK EVERRR

leading up to THE BEST BIRTHDAY EVERRR

buttttttttt...now it just sucks.

my plans for this week were:

mon &tues: normal class days

wed: Here's to Life playing at my school

thurs: co-hosting our school radio show with my friend

fri: going to a concert with my boyfriend

sat: epic birthday party

sun: my birthday/day with my boyfriend.

but last sunday as i was driving home from my parents house i stpped at a red light. the driver of the Dodge Ram 1500 behind me, did not. He ended up rearending my vehicle. :[

(poor Snowflake)

luckily i had my seatbelt on and i had no major injuries (like broken bones or whatever)

but the impact of the hit flung me forward and back suddenly. I had a huge headache and i was dizzy immediately.

i got out of my car and so did he, we looked at the damage.

being that this was my first accident i had no idea what to do, so i didnt call the cops (my mistake)

but neither did he. so we decided to move our cars to a nearby gas station

he got out and looked at the damage and said "oh its nothing okay i go home"

i didnt know what to do but i knew enough that he shouldnt leave. so i made him wait for my godmother to get there, as soon as she did, he left.

we drove home and my headache just got worse and worse. i called my parents then the police.

i went to police station and then the hospital from 930pm-3am

long story short,

Im in a lot of pain.

A LOT.

I have really bad whiplash and i had a minor concussion.

my brain feels like mush and everything is aching.

even my face.

(of all places!?)

anyway back to the point.

i spent all of monday trying to rest up

tuesday running around to a doctor

wednesday i spent all morning in the municipality running back and forth from police to judges to cranky ladies. and then later on when it was time for the show...no one showed up. other than the bands :[

i felt horrible. like incredibly bad that they basically played a band showcase for each other. my plan was to just talk it up all week while i was in school but i wasnt in school mon-wed. :[

above all my body ached and my head felt like it was going to explode.

today (thursday) was my first day back in classes and for some stupid reason i had some sort of quiz/exam/writing prompt in EVERY CLASS.

i wanted to just die on the spot.

sooo i ended up not being able to do the radio show. which pissed me off because i was really looking forward to it. but at least i got to sleep.

tomorrow night was the concert. I was totally excited to see Hit the Lights again and to just party it uppp, but...i cant. After last night I realized that my parents were right, my body cant take it.

:[

sooo yeah... so much for that.

i guess in a way its probably just a sign for me to not overflow my week with so much to do. but at the same time how can i not want to!?

i've been planning this for months, trying to make it the best birthday week everr

especially since im finally turning 18.

I cant do anything i wanted to. but at least we still have the party saturday night and i get to spend the day with my boyfriend on my birthday.

im just frustrated.

frustrated that because some guy wasnt paying attention for 5seconds my entire week is shot.

and granted it could be so much worse

(and im really thankful that it isnt)

but everything hurts

and all week i find that i just get irritable.

for no reason

and i feel like i want to cry and i cant control it.

maybe its because i got all shaken up (physically)

and im still getting over the minor brain injury

but it sucks.

today i had a calc quiz

and the problem was decent. something i couldve finished with time to spare

but as i started to do the problem, my head began to throb and i found that i couldnt focus on the numbers or the equation.

(just thinking about it makes my head hurt :[ )

and in the middle of it i felt like bursting into tears and i couldnt explain it.

it frustrates me sooo much.

and im soooo mad right now.

everything hurts.

everything.