When you said
Bestfriends means friends forever
[[ Seventy times Seven by Brand New]]
To whom it fucking concerns:
I wish you had the decency to deal with me yourself. I wish you understood how much pain you've caused us all. I wish you knew that because of all this bullshit that you've started, there is so much tension everywhere. Does that make you happy? Does it make you feel like a big fucking adult? Does it make you feel as though you've won?
How does it feel to hide behind mommy? How does it feel to know that you can twist words into daggers? God, I wish I had the insight to see all of this beforehand. I wish I never stood up for you. I wish I didn't care so goddamn much. I wish that this didn't come as such a shock. The worst part is that I felt it when I met you, but I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt. Like all the others, you claimed to be different. You claimed to have changed.
You know what is wrong. You know what the real problem is. You know where fault lies and whom it lies with.
Do you know the worst part? That I can't even be angry with you. That as much as I hate to admit it, I completely understand. But you know that don't you? I bet you do. Of course you do. You're my sister. Yeah, that's right. Oh and by the way, who said it first? Not me. No, no sweetie. So is this what sisters do to each other? Wow, I must have missed out on a lot.
My God. What happened? You talked to me, you told me everything, and I told you that no matter what I would always understand. No matter what you decided to do. Are you holding me to that now? I kept all my promises and all your secrets, and I would never say anything about that. Is that why you told me?
Read the statement. Read the FUCKING STATEMENT. Read it and you would understand that I never intended to hurt you. Read it and you'll see that I only defended you. Read it and you'll see that all I did was talk about how much I care for you. For all of you. Read it and you'll know. Read it and you wouldn't be so angry. Maybe you did read it. Maybe you did read it and you saw what I said and you realized what really happened. Maybe you saw that everything you knew was just manipulation. Maybe that's why you're angry. Because you know what is really going on and you don't want to admit it. But in fact you have no right to be angry with me or my family. You have no right to talk about my relationship with my stepfather. You have no right to speak that way to my mother. You have no right to bring up my father.
What the fuck!? Did I bitch when you started calling my mother Momma? No. Fuck, I even asked you about it. I told you I wouldn't call him that if it made you uncomfortable. And what did you say? You said it was fine because it would make us sisters anyway.
So now what?
Are you going to hate us for the rest of your life? That's just great. Because it takes more effort, more emotion, more stress, more cowardice to hate. But to trust? To love? Yeah its hard, and it can hurt, but the rewards are so much more.
Hatred will get you nowhere. You have to know that you will never be able to figure out who you are if you continue to allow people to manipulate you this way. I know you understand this, you're not stupid. I hope that someday you do what you promised. I hope someday you break the cycle. I hope someday you realize what it is you're doing. You could have saved those two little girls more by showing them what it really means to be true to yourself.
Open your eyes! Please. Before you do something you will regret.
Is this what you want for your children? Is this the kind of life you want to live? I know it isn't, so do something about it.
But at the same time... I miss having you here. I miss talking to you. I miss that you were always just five feet away. I miss our stupid jokes. I miss our stupid midnight talks. I miss you. I love you. I will always love you. I will always be here when you realize it. But for right now, I'm hurt. Does that make me an idiot? I guess so. Whatever. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of hurting. I'm just plain tired.
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