So what exactly happened?

Almost four years ago,

I was incredibly depressed.

I didnt know who I was and I felt that I was expected to be perfect from everyone around me.

In retrospect I think its safe to say that I felt like a failure

as a student

as a sister

as a daughter

as a role model to my cousins

as a person in general

I didnt feel like I deserved love from anyone else

especially not myself

I hated myself.

hated every little part about me

I was stressed out and overreacting to everything that was happening in my life

and so, I began to push people away.

(something i got incredibly good at and am now trying to unlearn)

I figured that I was saving them from the trouble of knowing the trainwreck I was becoming.

My grades were horrible

and so the more i felt like a failure

I didnt want to go to school.

I didnt want to deal with people

I just wanted to be alone

I slept all the time.

I did nothing with my life

and so the more i felt worse.

it just kept snowballing and all of a sudden

a tiny snowflake turned into an avalanche of apparent failure.

And so...

on March 10th 2006

I decided that I wanted to end it.

for good.

I wanted to die.

I couldnt stand myself so much that I thought the best way to deal with my hatred for myself was to remove myself.

smart logic i guess.

you have a toothache? take out the tooth

you've got a tumor? remove the tumor

leg aint workin? chop it off

I sat at the desk in my loft crying. Scared. Hurt. Stupid.

Just wanting it all to go away.

I took the closest and sharpest object (a pair of foldable sewing scissors)

and pulled back my sleeves

( Down the road not across the street kiddies. )

I slowly opened the scissors

( they were so cold. )

and pressed it against my left wrist

right at the base of my veins.

I was ready.

So what stopped me?

Ironically enough.

It was a dark day.

completely overcast. skies grey

no sun for miles

but the second i picked up those scissors

the second i accepted what i was about to do

the sun came out

it shown through the window and onto the silver sewing shears

the light brought me back

and i remembered everything

i thought of my family and my friends

most of all i thought of my brother

Julius

I owe him my life.

(him and a few others throughout the rest of the year too)

when he was born I swore i would protect him

what good would i be if i were dead?

i closed the scissors and i threw them into some corner where couldnt reach them

i locked myself in my room and i cried.

the rest of that year was just a roller coaster everywhere

and for a while i was still incredibly suicidal.

(and damn was i creative! just a few pills slowly one at a time would do it. hanging. drowning. jumping into oncoming traffic. stabbing myself with a kitchen knife... you name it, it definitely crossed my mind)

but i think i hid it pretty well.

(at least i think i did...who knows?)

and i never went through with it

(obviously)

i was bitter though.

i was angry.

i was hurting.

i may not have physically succeeded at killing myself but mentally and emotionally i was hella determined

Now that its been so long i can hardly imagine who i was anymore.

I want to burn that person out of my mind and heart and forget that girl ever existed

but now i know i cant do that

the truth is. at that time i was that girl.

as much as i hate to admit it i have to accept that.

it was a point in my life that was a necessary evil.

if it werent for that moment i wouldnt appreciate my life as much as i do now

i wouldnt know how to love myself.

how to accept myself.

and so here i am

I accept my past in order to receive my future.

I am sorry to everyone i have ever hurt

but most importantly

I am sorry to myself.

I know that i dont deserve to be her anymore.

and so with that i am now able to move forward.

forever.

No one really knows how hard cleaning can be...

I just finished cleaning my room in time for the new year

It took a while and a lot of throwing things away and trying to fix things that were broken.

But I did it !

Overall I think that 2009

was probably one of the BEST years of my life

[ if not the best ]

Here's Why [in no specific order]:

1. I graduated High school

--> okay yeah that part was tough and super scary (see all the posts i've written this year) but its nice to be able to say "back when I was in high school" or "this person I graduated with..."

2. I turned 18

-->actually this can go either way. I'm happy that I've finally overcome this major part of my life where I am now technically an adult, but everynow and then I wish I could fall back on the whole "No don't expect wayy too much just yet...I'm still a kid" excuse. but now that I really think about it, thats all that it was...an excuse. I should have took it as "Wow! I didn't expect that much yet...she's just a kid" but it happens

3. I finally quit my job

--> After four wonderful/stressful/hilarious/crazy years, I finally quit my job at the Q. Another thing that can go either way. I know I've been whining about how I dont know what to do anymore that I'm no longer there, to be honest, I was afraid. I don't know anything (job-wise) other than that. I dont know what other places will expect of me or whether other places will want me. But I am glad that I'm outta there. I'm not gonna lie. sometimes, i miss it. Oh the stories I could tell about my experiences there. haha. I miss the friends I've made and the people I've met. But I'm changing again. I can feel it.

4. I patched things up (for the most part) with my father

--> okay so there are things that we still need to work on I'm sure but at least now we're talking. thats a start right? and I'm not afraid to be who I truly am around him anymore. I was always scared of being myself with him. I think its because I thought he wouldnt like who "myself" was. now that im older i know better. and quite frankly, he needs to know that im not the silly little naive 2yearold he left.

5. I'm in college

--> and trying to make something of myself. trying to figure out who I am and what I want from my life. It's so hard to figure out. and just when i think i have, i realize i still dont.

6. I'm in love.

--> and I'm not afraid of it anymore. This time i know I've got it right. I'm in love with a man who treats me right and who loves me too. Its not an image of who I think he is or who I want him to be. I'm in love with everything that he is and everything I know he can be. Real. Love. and its the most amazing feeling in the world. Granted it is scary at times. To love is to know yourself as well as the object of your affection. To love is to know how to give and also how to receive. I've always known how to give love, but not how to claim it for my own. Not how to demand respect from the people I love. I know that now, and thats what makes everything so good.

There are so many things I can be thankful for this year. So many things I can look back at in 50 years and be proud of. Granted I have lost people and things I care about and love through the year, but I also found so much more.

I'm learning what life should be like and how I want it to be like. I dont want to settle for anything less than what I know I deserve.

I'm learning more about myself with everyday that I didnt know before. Things that I like, things that I love, things that I dont like, things I'm proud of, things I'm not so proud of and a few things i just cant stand and sometimes it just feels like i'm going crazy or that I've been crazy, but just too crazy to figure it out yet.

(did that make any sense at all?)

And because I feel crazy I get scared and I start to feel myself try to isolate again. Like I'm afraid that if I allow myself to be the person I think I am, that it wont be enough for the people around me or it may even be too much. So I pick fights or I test people's limits or I get afraid of ruining everything I've worked so hard to build these past three years (almost four now) and I try to push people away.

Each and every time though, I am amazed at how much people push back. how much people make me see that I dont deserve to be alone. I dont deserve to scrutinize myself the way I do.

Is it natural to feel the way I do?

I guess it is.

I realize now that the person I was back in highschool isnt the person I am at all. I put up a front. I made myself weird and loud and obnoxious and apparently CRAZY because I felt, well if these people can accept me at my worst, at my weirdest and my stupidest, well they can love me at my best right?

but see I got it all wrong. and that's why i kept feeling lost and alone.

Because the more i did that, the more they loved who they thought i was.

I dont need to be that way

I have people who love me for everything I am now and everything I am not.

I dont know how else to say that I'm so glad I am alive.

I can imagine what I want for myself but first I must be honest with myself and with everyone else...

I have to explain what happened almost four years ago.

not just to you

but to me.

I have to come to terms with it on my own level and finally let it go.

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end...

I know who I'd want to take me home...

so once again,

we reach my favorite point in time.

the day that one year ends and another begins

did i ever mention this is my favorite holiday?

i'm not exactly sure why.

actually no. i am.

1) its a new beginning. a way to take what you loved about the year that just passed and make it better and a way to start fresh from all the BS.

2) New Year's to me always seemed like the best part of the year. the part where my family gathered for complete and utter hilarity. we've always had it at my uncle's house and its pretty much tradition. everyone in my mom's side of the family shows up. we play games. set up raffles and lotteries and sometimes get the kids to host a mini show. This year its at my grandma's house. which is kinda weird considering it hasnt been in her house since everyone moved out but i dont mind.

im just glad we're all gonna be together.

...

totally just got distracted for a good half hour...

and i forgot everything i wanted to write :[

lol i'll pick up where i left off in the morning :p

As I lay me down to sleep...

So as always, i start off by saying how much i've been meaning to write...
i think that maybe i'm starting to sound like a broken record.

About a week ago i found myself yet again at a crossroad.
I felt lost.
Sometimes I still have a slight fleeting moment when I still do.

but at the same time.
I have this overwhelming sense of gratitude and luck.

Im not quite sure why i felt this way.
i think that maybe its a culmination of several things...

1) my first semester of freshman year has just ending
2) it's my first time in a long time where i dont have a job during the holiday season

i think that for the most part i felt lost because i didnt know what to do with myself.
during most if not all of my HS life i always had something to do.
ESPECIALLY during this time.
whether it was theater or work or clubs or hanging out at the library or even swimming for a short period of time.
i always had something to do.
now...
idk what to do.
I dont want to go back to the apartment because i dont want to be lazy and sleep
but on the other hand idk where to go.
so lately, well, before the break, i would go to BN and relax, maybe study.

i also havent been able to spend much.
its the first time in 4years that i havent had a job during the holiday season.
its weird
and i keep forgetting that i dont have money. :[

but its fine.
my mom found a way to remind me who i am
she's good for that and i owe her so much for it.
she never fails to bring me back.
she never fails to save me from myself.

like i said earlier though,
at the same time,
im so lucky to find that everything is falling slowly but surely into place.

first and foremost, as i have alluded to before
i am completely in love
and i think this time, i got it right :]
at first i was worried for a bit that i would lose myself again.
that i would forget myself and who i am and what i value
and to be honest...
sometimes i do.
but then i remember.
and i am able to ground myself.
and i find that this time....
its so different.
and so much better.
and for the first time...
im not the only one.
:]

i think that in retrospect this is really and truly my first love.
before, i was more eager to just feel soo...
connected.
for a while i was lonely.
i didnt know what i felt like i was missing but i knew i was missing something
and then i realized it was love
i was missing out on love
so i searched high and low and i found someone i thought could fill that void.
and to be honest...
it wasnt his fault
it was mine.
i wanted to fill a void that no one else could fill because it was a void i had to fill myself

i needed to learn to love myself
for everything i am
all my perfections and my imperfections.

so when it fell through,
i was disappointed and upset.
but i took that time to build
i took it to grow
and i found that i was ready again
and to make it count

and now that wish has come true.

above all my family life is tighter
my home is closer
and my relationship with my father is slightly steadier.
there are of course some things i need to change
but all in due time

for now..
im grateful.
im satisfied
and i am content with my life.
and you know what?

it doesnt scare me as much as it used to.
this will not fall through.
i know it wont.
because i know that this is in my hands
and that i am too happy to break it.


so yeah, i worry sometimes because i am human

but for now?
i know that this will be a wonderful holiday season and a happy new year.


so i will stop this long half asleep rant...
(which was semi inspired by a new "follower" to my blog.)
as always i know i will sleep better,
knowing that my words have flowed through.

GoodnightLove.