I just finished cleaning my room in time for the new year
It took a while and a lot of throwing things away and trying to fix things that were broken.
But I did it !
Overall I think that 2009
was probably one of the BEST years of my life
[ if not the best ]
Here's Why [in no specific order]:
1. I graduated High school
--> okay yeah that part was tough and super scary (see all the posts i've written this year) but its nice to be able to say "back when I was in high school" or "this person I graduated with..."
2. I turned 18
-->actually this can go either way. I'm happy that I've finally overcome this major part of my life where I am now technically an adult, but everynow and then I wish I could fall back on the whole "No don't expect wayy too much just yet...I'm still a kid" excuse. but now that I really think about it, thats all that it was...an excuse. I should have took it as "Wow! I didn't expect that much yet...she's just a kid" but it happens
3. I finally quit my job
--> After four wonderful/stressful/hilarious/crazy years, I finally quit my job at the Q. Another thing that can go either way. I know I've been whining about how I dont know what to do anymore that I'm no longer there, to be honest, I was afraid. I don't know anything (job-wise) other than that. I dont know what other places will expect of me or whether other places will want me. But I am glad that I'm outta there. I'm not gonna lie. sometimes, i miss it. Oh the stories I could tell about my experiences there. haha. I miss the friends I've made and the people I've met. But I'm changing again. I can feel it.
4. I patched things up (for the most part) with my father
--> okay so there are things that we still need to work on I'm sure but at least now we're talking. thats a start right? and I'm not afraid to be who I truly am around him anymore. I was always scared of being myself with him. I think its because I thought he wouldnt like who "myself" was. now that im older i know better. and quite frankly, he needs to know that im not the silly little naive 2yearold he left.
5. I'm in college
--> and trying to make something of myself. trying to figure out who I am and what I want from my life. It's so hard to figure out. and just when i think i have, i realize i still dont.
6. I'm in love.
--> and I'm not afraid of it anymore. This time i know I've got it right. I'm in love with a man who treats me right and who loves me too. Its not an image of who I think he is or who I want him to be. I'm in love with everything that he is and everything I know he can be. Real. Love. and its the most amazing feeling in the world. Granted it is scary at times. To love is to know yourself as well as the object of your affection. To love is to know how to give and also how to receive. I've always known how to give love, but not how to claim it for my own. Not how to demand respect from the people I love. I know that now, and thats what makes everything so good.
There are so many things I can be thankful for this year. So many things I can look back at in 50 years and be proud of. Granted I have lost people and things I care about and love through the year, but I also found so much more.
I'm learning what life should be like and how I want it to be like. I dont want to settle for anything less than what I know I deserve.
I'm learning more about myself with everyday that I didnt know before. Things that I like, things that I love, things that I dont like, things I'm proud of, things I'm not so proud of and a few things i just cant stand and sometimes it just feels like i'm going crazy or that I've been crazy, but just too crazy to figure it out yet.
(did that make any sense at all?)
And because I feel crazy I get scared and I start to feel myself try to isolate again. Like I'm afraid that if I allow myself to be the person I think I am, that it wont be enough for the people around me or it may even be too much. So I pick fights or I test people's limits or I get afraid of ruining everything I've worked so hard to build these past three years (almost four now) and I try to push people away.
Each and every time though, I am amazed at how much people push back. how much people make me see that I dont deserve to be alone. I dont deserve to scrutinize myself the way I do.
Is it natural to feel the way I do?
I guess it is.
I realize now that the person I was back in highschool isnt the person I am at all. I put up a front. I made myself weird and loud and obnoxious and apparently CRAZY because I felt, well if these people can accept me at my worst, at my weirdest and my stupidest, well they can love me at my best right?
but see I got it all wrong. and that's why i kept feeling lost and alone.
Because the more i did that, the more they loved who they thought i was.
I dont need to be that way
I have people who love me for everything I am now and everything I am not.
I dont know how else to say that I'm so glad I am alive.
I can imagine what I want for myself but first I must be honest with myself and with everyone else...
I have to explain what happened almost four years ago.
not just to you
but to me.
I have to come to terms with it on my own level and finally let it go.
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