So what exactly happened?

Almost four years ago,

I was incredibly depressed.

I didnt know who I was and I felt that I was expected to be perfect from everyone around me.

In retrospect I think its safe to say that I felt like a failure

as a student

as a sister

as a daughter

as a role model to my cousins

as a person in general

I didnt feel like I deserved love from anyone else

especially not myself

I hated myself.

hated every little part about me

I was stressed out and overreacting to everything that was happening in my life

and so, I began to push people away.

(something i got incredibly good at and am now trying to unlearn)

I figured that I was saving them from the trouble of knowing the trainwreck I was becoming.

My grades were horrible

and so the more i felt like a failure

I didnt want to go to school.

I didnt want to deal with people

I just wanted to be alone

I slept all the time.

I did nothing with my life

and so the more i felt worse.

it just kept snowballing and all of a sudden

a tiny snowflake turned into an avalanche of apparent failure.

And so...

on March 10th 2006

I decided that I wanted to end it.

for good.

I wanted to die.

I couldnt stand myself so much that I thought the best way to deal with my hatred for myself was to remove myself.

smart logic i guess.

you have a toothache? take out the tooth

you've got a tumor? remove the tumor

leg aint workin? chop it off

I sat at the desk in my loft crying. Scared. Hurt. Stupid.

Just wanting it all to go away.

I took the closest and sharpest object (a pair of foldable sewing scissors)

and pulled back my sleeves

( Down the road not across the street kiddies. )

I slowly opened the scissors

( they were so cold. )

and pressed it against my left wrist

right at the base of my veins.

I was ready.

So what stopped me?

Ironically enough.

It was a dark day.

completely overcast. skies grey

no sun for miles

but the second i picked up those scissors

the second i accepted what i was about to do

the sun came out

it shown through the window and onto the silver sewing shears

the light brought me back

and i remembered everything

i thought of my family and my friends

most of all i thought of my brother

Julius

I owe him my life.

(him and a few others throughout the rest of the year too)

when he was born I swore i would protect him

what good would i be if i were dead?

i closed the scissors and i threw them into some corner where couldnt reach them

i locked myself in my room and i cried.

the rest of that year was just a roller coaster everywhere

and for a while i was still incredibly suicidal.

(and damn was i creative! just a few pills slowly one at a time would do it. hanging. drowning. jumping into oncoming traffic. stabbing myself with a kitchen knife... you name it, it definitely crossed my mind)

but i think i hid it pretty well.

(at least i think i did...who knows?)

and i never went through with it

(obviously)

i was bitter though.

i was angry.

i was hurting.

i may not have physically succeeded at killing myself but mentally and emotionally i was hella determined

Now that its been so long i can hardly imagine who i was anymore.

I want to burn that person out of my mind and heart and forget that girl ever existed

but now i know i cant do that

the truth is. at that time i was that girl.

as much as i hate to admit it i have to accept that.

it was a point in my life that was a necessary evil.

if it werent for that moment i wouldnt appreciate my life as much as i do now

i wouldnt know how to love myself.

how to accept myself.

and so here i am

I accept my past in order to receive my future.

I am sorry to everyone i have ever hurt

but most importantly

I am sorry to myself.

I know that i dont deserve to be her anymore.

and so with that i am now able to move forward.

forever.