oh i almost forgot

i finished HP7 last week
it was amazingly good
but i dont wanna spoil it for anyone
so i wont go into details
i think it took me so long to read because

i just didnt want it to end
y'know?
but either way
i love it

i love this song.

The Music Or The Misery [Fall Out Boy]

I got my stitches stitched, I got my fixes fixed,
And in my aching head I got my kisses slipped.
Our gossip lips stuttered every word I said, I said,
I got your love letters, corrected the grammar and sent them back.
Its true romance is dead, I shot it in the chest then in the head.

And if you wanna go down in history then I'm your prince,
Because they've got me in a bad way I've never seen a heart I couldn't break.
It was never about the songs, it was competition,
Make the biggest scene, make the biggest...

Which came first, the music or the misery?
Where high-fashion, were last chances.
Which came first, the music or the misery?
Where high-fashion, were last chances.

I'm casually obsessed, And I've Forgiven Death,
I am indifferent yet (I am a total wreck),
I'm every cliche, but I simply do it best.

And if you wanna go down in history then I'm your prince,
Because they've got me in a bad way, I've never seen a heart I couldn't break.
It was never about the songs, it was competition,
Make the biggest scene, make the biggest...

Which came first, the music or the misery?
Where high-fashion, were last chances.
Which came first, the music or the misery?
Where high-fashion, were last chances.

(Go!)

I went to sleep a poet, and I woke up a fraud,
To calm your nerves I'm feeling for my clothes in the dark.

Which came first, the music or the misery?
Where high-fashion, were last chances.

Which came first, the music or the misery?
Where high-fashion, were last chances.
Which came first, the music or the misery?
where high-fashion, were last chances.

its been a while.

since my last post.
sorry about that


i have a lot to tell you
but idk if i should now

so i will fill you in when i get home

[just remind me]
lol

Planes Trains and Automobiles

okay so::
left home at 6am
took a car to beths so she can drop us off at the train station
took the train to NY Penn station
then took a train to Jamaica Station
took the air train to our terminal
then waited for our standby seats
which we couldnt get on so
we waited until 3pm [delays delays]
for our flight
arrived at around 6 in wpb
then took the tri_?_ to FtL to get my luggage
went to see cookie & Joanna
got home
showered
and now here i am!


what a busy day!
and so tiring
but it was quite the adventure
:D

change one change two

im not sure if my computer will come with me
moms got a point about it being too much to think about


i hate packing
it makes me feel

bleh.

i wish daddy moved back here
and joanna and cookie
i wish they never left
:[

on a lighter note

im bringing my comp

and
i got the new Harry Potter book

its amazing
how much the world changed with the HP trend isnt it?
everyone jumps at a chance to get hold of the latest JK Rowling
and now that im reading its final book
its sad
its like meeting a friend and watching them disappear
i have yet to finish it
but i accidentally caught a glimpse of the final page
i only read one sentance but
i still wanna keep going
i cant wait to finish it
and i hope that someday
a few generations away
some kid will read these books that have been long forgotten
and treat it like a Shakespearean play


its valuable to our era.
people just dont know it yet

or maybe they do

leaving on a jet plane...

im leaving tomorrow to see my dad
i really wanna go
but
idk
part of me
just wants to stay home
:[

oh jeez

i havent written in almost a week
thats crazyyy

anyway

i love the movie: Love Story

that was the movie that my grandparents went to on their date.
<333
its amazing
:D

Jenny Cavilleri is my hero
its the only movie that i really cried in
like a lot.
<3333


im going to florida on sunday
im gonna try to bring my computer with me
:D
so i have something to do

i want the 7th Harry Potter Book
now!
ahhh
i wanna read it
really really badly
i hope i can get it in florida
:]

im hungry

:]

homee :D

happy happy joy joy :]

okay so heres the plan

Tonight:
i go to work then im going to sleep over my cousins house

Tomorrow:
maybe going to the beach w/ her and chillaxing

Friday:
chillin then going to work and after pick her up so she can sleep over my house

Saturday:
Crystal Springs Water Park with my bestest cousin [lol] my mom and Vince


i cant wait :]

im gonna pack and stuff ^_^

^_^

its so beautiful out!

im gonna sneak downstairs to watch the sunrise
kay byeee

yay
i havent slept at all tonight
ive been up
and awake
and man im not even tired
srsly
sunrise sounds like a good idea
:]
^_^
ive been watching youtube all night
lol
im just kinda energized
probably from sleeping all day yesterday
but idk
i dont mind
ill prob. nap later
and considering i have work tonight and all

my mind says sleep might be a good idea
and i kinda just scared myself
like completely
idk how but i thought i felt something crawing on me
it was just the string on my pj bottoms
i just did
and i screamed "ahh"
a lil too loud
i hope i didnt scare my mom or anything
lol

jeez stupid myspace isnt working oh wellz
im sooo hyper!!!
i dont wanna work tonighttttt
i feel like singing

haha maybe cuz ive been watching american idol auditions
lol
idk
but yeah
its interesting

g2g sunrise ^_^

:]

ive decided that
as long as theres music in the world
even the sounds of cars or footsteps or w/e
even the sound of silence

i will be happy :]

idk if i really and truly hated myself last night
but i do know that i hate how ive been lately

but im gonna change
i will
and its a promise.

A Public Apology From Our Sponsors [a.k.a. Me]::

ughh long day at work
ill tell you about that later

but now
i told my mom everything thats been bottled up inside
for like a while
and i know i hurt her
i know i did
and i hate myself for it
i really really really hate myself right now
i didnt mean to hurt her
thats the last thing on my mind
but i know i did
and im so sorry
im so so so sorry
and i know thats been the theme of the week
but i am just soooo sorry

for everything
and to anyone ive ever hurt intentionally or unintentionally
im sooo sorry
ive been pushing away everyone i love i know it

Please forgive me:
mom
dad
joanna
vincent
ate ana
ayla
nikki
anu
mark
and everyone else ive pushed away.


but the one person i dont think i'll ever forgive:
Amanda Marie Martinez

who i am hates who ive been

I FEEL LIKE THE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD

SOMETIMES I JUST FEEL LIKE A FUCK UP

SERIOUSLY

I REALLY CANT STAND THE PERSON THAT I AM
AND I KNOW YOU DONT CARE OR THINK THAT IM JUST CRAVING ATTENTION
BUT IM NOT
AND I DONT GIVE A FUCK ANYMORE


I REALLY DONT
SO SAY WHAT YOU WANT

BUT RIGHT NOW












I STILL THINK IM THE ABSOLUTE WORST PERSON IN THE WORLD


IM SO SORRY, A.

ajfoiahnvgihneioaoweimnksikdnif

FUCK!!!!!!!!


nsehvgjuiujgvnoiawbgvo'abfvoiufw









i feel like the worst person in the world



i seriously do.

60 posts?

wow.

i have no life.

ack

okay so i deleted one of my earlier posts for just some random reason that i dont feel like explaining


ever feel like a fuck up


yeah



one of those reasons



:[

my sexxybeast stories!

lmao i sent them to alot of people today:::
_____________
once upon a time there was a sexxy beast by the name of ayla
(not to be confused with ayla lisset nucum)
so anyway this sexxybeast decided that she was the sexxyestbeast alive so she went to sexxybeast world and she killed all the other wannabesexxybeasts!
and then the world drowned

the end!
^_^
_____________

okay soo:
once upon a time there was a sexxybeast by the name of pinky
(not to be confused with miss pinky perez)
and she was a very very sexxybeastauditor
and she went around the earth auditing the puny little earthlings with her special calculator and Yellow highlighter OF DOOM!!!!! [who also likes to tell the earthlings to be silent while she does her work]
and then one day she found out that the Earth wasnt doing well on its audits so she called in the big TONYROBBINS to save us
and then we were all broken out of our pattern
and she highlighted us all
so we're now yellow
the end!
_______________
okay so:
once upon a time there was a sexxybeast by the name of georgeyporgey
(not to be confused with george tapia)
anyway this sexxybeast was a violinist OF DOOM!
and one day he decided that the world was boring so he went to sexxyviolinworld and they all sucked ass bananas
so then he decided to show them his amazing violin skillz
and they were so amazed that they exploded!!!!
and everyone died
the end!
______________
okay so once upon a time there was a sexxybeast by the name of lorraine
(not to be confused with the princess lorraine from the play)
and this sexxybeast liked to take myspace pictures without pants
so one day while taking myspace pictures a giant hippo said "put some pants on!"
and sexxybeastlorraine was like "STFU they are special invisible pants!"
and the hippo said "oh okay"
and then he exploded! because she used her magical invisible pants of doom against him
the end!
______________
okay so once upon a time there was a sexxybeast by the name of andrea
(not to be confused with miss andreadotcom)
and this sexxybeast liked to make tutus
and they were magical tutus
and so she went down to earth with her magical tutus and her grillz and sold them to puny earthlings who wanted her special tutu making powers
but the stupid earthlings were jealous of her skillz so they tried to copy her
but then andrea used her magical tutus of DOOM! against them
and they exploded
"haha stupid wannabees" she said!
and then the world drowned in her frilly tutu power!
the end!
______________
okay so once upon a time there was a sexxybeast named atikin
(not to be confused with nikita kieselowsky)
and this sexxybeast loved to hunt things
so one day she went to earth and hunted all the stupid earthlings
and everyone died
the end ^_^
__________________

i sent more but they havent "approved" their comments yet
so thats all for now ^_^

Im so proud!

of my uncle Nino!!!<333

with his photography and his latest website project
^_^
i hope he knows that

GoodMorning!

i love waking up to a phone call from my dad
and Julius

i even recorded Cookie ^_^
he sounded so cute!

i miss him :]

my dad

never called me back
thats weird

im sure he wouldve
maybe hes very busy
and finally getting some sleep
or training for the NYC marathon that hes running
^_^
im so proud of him

Jeez

its raining so hard here
and the lightning flashes through my windows


i love it<3

zee gudfazzer two?!

fucking 200minutes!

wow
watching disc 2

i want

my dad

can you believe it?!
for the first time in my life
i want my daddy

so after a lot of suggestions
ayla convinced me to call him
and i left him a voicemail

and i feel better

i really do
well just a bit

rain

the world is crying
and so am i

which one of these is not like the other

its not vincent
because he belongs with my mother

its not beth
because she is with my father

its not joanna
because she has julius


so does that mean
its me?

another thing

vince is over

i wanted to spend time with my mom yesterday and today
guess thats out of the question

:[
im lonely even when im not alone

the hole in my heart

okay so my godmother gave me this software
so i can create a family tree on my computer

i never realized how little i knew about my fathers family
i dont even know who my grandfather is
its sad

cuz my moms side is full
i know all the way up to my great great grandparents

on my dads side its empty
many blank spots
and empty boxes

see my grandmother
supposedly favored the father of my two aunts and not my father and his brother
so she left them and stuff
when i was born
she hated my mother
and tore them apart
i never met her
well i mean i did
but i only saw her maybe 3 times in my life
all by accident
she wants to know me
but i dont know if i want to know her

alot of secrets lie in my dads side of the family
and alot of bad blood
bad people i knew nothing about
bad people who are in jail and who did bad things

it makes me sad
not to know that i come from an odd family
but to find out on my own
and not by them

and im ashamed
because when i was little
i never wanted them
i never wanted to know them or talk to them
i favored my mom's family because they were there
i hated my dads family for not being there and not wanting me
now that i know what i do
i dont know what to think
i love them
i really do
and despite everything i love my grandmother
even though she left me and didnt want me

but how am i going to tell her this?
im closer to her sister than i am to her
you see her sister is Ayla's grandmother
and i see her all the time
and she is more of a grandmother to me than my own
and that really makes me sad

as for my lola (grandma on moms side)
i love her so much
and i really want to be close to her
but i think she favors my baby cousin instead
and shes always on the phone
and it drives me crazy
i want to be with her but i cant
because even though shes there
shes not
shes far away on the phone or watching tv
it makes me sad

it makes me feel empty
and i cant find a way to make this hole fill up
and that makes me cry.

okay so

i feel like reliving my freshman year

so im gonna listen to From Under The Cork Tree
and pretend im on a bus
with an amazing team
sitting next to a guy who never really mattered
[and yet he did.]
and for that one moment...
so.
did.
i.

Woah! i never meant to brag but i got him where i want him now!

i love that song.

Misery Business [Paramore]

so yeah
I cant wait!
Crystal Springs tomorrow!! ^_^
YAY! and hopefully Ayla's parents will let her sleep over too



were gonna take my grandparents to dinner tonight
then go to Kohls and buy them swimsuits
yay!

i swear

my grandparents are the coolest grandparents in the world!

*sigh*

goodnight.

oh wow

you suck.
























seriously.



you really do.

cuz my profile count is up to 80
which means someone must be reading this
but not telling me
and that kinda pisses me off

it really makes me wanna give up on writing







and thats really sad.

making insomnia the latest trend

i cant sleep

:[
and no one is up to chat

this sucks

tell me my favorite lie: that you'll love me til the day i die

idk why i titled this with that line
i made it up on the spot
and i like it ^_^

so yeah
this weekend was pretty rad

::Friday::

New haircut [its short]
Kohls for like 2 minutes
Godfather night with my mom
picked up Danyelle to help her bake a cake

::Saturday::

woke up like 8am
went to Danyelle's party
then left and went to Sam's party
was supposed to go to the fireworks at kennedy
but we were too late
went to blockbusters [rented: Crybaby, Whats eating gilbert grape, Ghost Rider, the shooter]
watched with Danyelle [Ghost rider cuz thats what she and vince wanted to see but he and my mom fell asleep]
stayed up til 4 talking to Danyelle

::Today::

watched the rest of the movies [except the shooter cuz we didnt want to]
and took a good nap

^_^
overall great day/weekend

about the movies::
Ghostrider: it was better than i expected ill give you that. but i dont like Nicholas Cage. he creeps me out. idky but i think its cuzof that movie he did...Face Off i think. i saw it a long time ago and it scared me. the plot was pretty good but it was kinda cheezy like you knew it was a comic cuz it had the classic comic dialouge know what i mean

Crybaby: i loved it lol. Johnny Depp=hottie in this one...it was hilarious

Whats eating Gilbert Grape: really good and touching but kinda weird

^_^