the hole in my heart

okay so my godmother gave me this software
so i can create a family tree on my computer

i never realized how little i knew about my fathers family
i dont even know who my grandfather is
its sad

cuz my moms side is full
i know all the way up to my great great grandparents

on my dads side its empty
many blank spots
and empty boxes

see my grandmother
supposedly favored the father of my two aunts and not my father and his brother
so she left them and stuff
when i was born
she hated my mother
and tore them apart
i never met her
well i mean i did
but i only saw her maybe 3 times in my life
all by accident
she wants to know me
but i dont know if i want to know her

alot of secrets lie in my dads side of the family
and alot of bad blood
bad people i knew nothing about
bad people who are in jail and who did bad things

it makes me sad
not to know that i come from an odd family
but to find out on my own
and not by them

and im ashamed
because when i was little
i never wanted them
i never wanted to know them or talk to them
i favored my mom's family because they were there
i hated my dads family for not being there and not wanting me
now that i know what i do
i dont know what to think
i love them
i really do
and despite everything i love my grandmother
even though she left me and didnt want me

but how am i going to tell her this?
im closer to her sister than i am to her
you see her sister is Ayla's grandmother
and i see her all the time
and she is more of a grandmother to me than my own
and that really makes me sad

as for my lola (grandma on moms side)
i love her so much
and i really want to be close to her
but i think she favors my baby cousin instead
and shes always on the phone
and it drives me crazy
i want to be with her but i cant
because even though shes there
shes not
shes far away on the phone or watching tv
it makes me sad

it makes me feel empty
and i cant find a way to make this hole fill up
and that makes me cry.