Everything just seems to be falling into place...

Its amazing how the universe works.

Soo....
I'm pretty excited because
well...
as you can see I've gotten myself a twitter :p

http://twitter.com/cuethesun22

and I've been "following"
this great guy named Joseph McClendon III
he's kind of like a life coach
and i dont know how it got to be so
but we've been talking and
he's opened up some great opportunities for me :]

I know I'm being a bit vague, but I'm still in the process of finding out more
about this scholarship he's giving out.
either way Im really excited!!

if this works out.
I can go to California and a whole bunch of other things
COMPLETELY FREE!!! :D

its sooo great!


either way im sooo glad i got a twitter
because otherwise, i wouldnt have been able to talk to Joseph as much as i have lately
and i wouldnt have been able to find out about this

check it out if you want to see why im so excited:
http://changeyouruniverse.com/

We drove into a great sunset, and lived a life with no regrets.

As i was driving home today
I looked into my rearview mirror
and i saw the most beautiful sunset i have ever seen

and you know what it made me think of?

that line in my favorite song:
We woke before the sun could rise
We packed our bags and waved goodbye,
We drove into a great sunset
And lived a life with no regrets...
[["Dont Wait" by Hit the Lights]]

and what i realized then
is that i want to do that one day.
I want to wake up one morning.
and just drive
drive farrr
take an insane road trip across the country.

i want to find a highway
somewhere
thats just an open field that stretches out for miles
and speed off into the sunset :]

maybe someday i will do that.
i've always wanted to take a road trip.
i love driving.
and i love my car
[[Snowflake!]]

mostly because,
she's mine.
all mine.
lol.
i bought her. i paid for her.
i fixed her up.

and well...
there's something about that car.
that just calms me.
makes me feel safe.
sometimes when i get home from a long day at school or at work
i sit in my car and i turn off the engine.
i roll down my window and i listen to the radio
or i sit silently and listen to the stars.

and it feels good.
because for that one moment
im all to myself.
i have all the time in the world.
and i know that my neighbors must think im crazy
[[i sit in my car and lurk. i dance in the middle of the street. i sing in the middle of the street. i write i love you in the middle of the street when it snows. i howl at the full moon. i count the stars.]]
jeez. im surprised they havent had me sent to Arkham yet :]

but in those moments that
i dance and sing and howl and everything else.
i feel sooo
alive.
i feel like theres nothing else in this world that can keep me from moving
that i can take anything
even for that one minute
i can be anything.
i can handle anything.

you should try it one day.

heres how you do it:
1. you turn on your car radio to either
a) the most obnoxiously ghetto music
b) lite acoustic/acapella music
c) classical music
d) none or all of the above

2. you stand right in the middle of the street
[[only if you live in a quiet area though. please do not stand in the middle of like rt 1&9 or something. i do not wanna get sued]]

3. and you just
a) dance
b) sing along/hum along if there are no lyrics
c) flail about like an idiot
d) some combination of all of the above

it is the most exhilarating feeling in the world

if a neighbor comes by:
1) say hello [[dont be rude.]]
2) invite them to join you :]
3) tell them to have a wonderful day
3.5) mean it when you tell them to have a wonderful day
4) then calmly collect your dignity and proceed to flail about as if they arent there.

:]
trust me. its a whole lot of fun.

and promise to howl when you see a full moon
and to wish on at least one star
[[make sure its a star though. i've made a lot of wishes on airplanes.]]

and above all.
dont be afraid to live
dont be afraid to love
dont be afraid to get what you want
dont be afraid to command what you deserve
because chances are.
you were meant to have everything i just mentioned above
and a whole lot more.


iloveyou.
remember that.
somewhere.
out in this world
someone loves you.
more than you can imagine.
you just have to find them.

I am so happy :D

Today was...
so beautiful.

I woke up early
[[i seem to do that a lot on weekends.]]
and i went out with my mom for a bit.

and at around 5ish
i met up with Joanna and my little brother
:]

You have no idea how happy it made me
to see her.
to see my brother.
God, he has grown sooo much
and his Autism is a lot more controlled.
[[Maybe its the Gluten-free diet?]]
he speaks a lot more
and he's calmer.

I cannot believe he's going to be 8 this year.
but he was just so happy to see me!
he hugged me and held my hand
i guess what im trying to get to
is that he remembered me
and that i loved him

thats all he said
when i first saw him
"I love Amanda. I love my sister. Sister loves me...."
it made me want to cry.

He is such a blessing<333

and Joanna
i missed her a lot.
its kinda weird to see her.
i mean. since she and my father divorced.

how do you explain that to people
"Well, uh, she's my...well...my dad's...no. my brother...uhm half? brother. no i mean. uhmm....shes my Joanna."
thats just it.
she's Joanna
she's like a second mother and a best friend
i guess thats what she's always been to me.
my friend
i could tell her anything.
and she the same.
and to sit with her and talk for 3hours?
was just so...
it felt soo good.

I missed her.
and my brother.
and all i kept thinking is
i cant believe theyre here
it was like a dream almost.
and what a wonderful dream it was
even better was that it was real.

we talked about everything.
work. school. Julius. everything.

I hope we can do this again soon.

i just...
i need to find a way to talk to my dad now.
i need to fix that.
and i know i say it a lot.
i just.
idk.
i need to...i guess suck it up and just talk to him.
soon.

not now.
but soon.

In an altogether different note...

i am incredibly exhausted.
and i have no idea why.

im usually soooo hyped up in weather like this.
but today im just akljgv;oidsnvoleanwd;ovcl

i think its just cuz yesterday was sooo busy
running around doing things for Poetry Night

[[which was incredibly amazing. ill get to that in a bit]]

and running to a Singers concert

[[also amazing but not as exhilarating nor as refreshing]]

and then back to Poetry.


i cannot believe that its been four years since i timidly joined the poetry club
i cannot believe how much it has grown since we started it.
and above all i never imagined how much it has helped me
how much it has changed me
how much it has saved me.

like theater, Poetry club was my release
the only time where i can run around free and do what i wanted without being afraid of letting myself show.

last night.
looking into that crowd. and realizing that my poetry meetings were numbered.
i wanted to cry.

That club has been my sanctuary.
those people: my family. my pastors. my congregation.

Writing poetry wasnt just an Anti-Drug
it was a lifesaver.
a way to let out everything that ive felt in these past 4years
from sheer happiness. to love. to insanity. to delusional. to depressed. to suicidal. to recovery. to sanity. to happiness. and finally back to love.

i cannot imagine what my life in highschool would have been like without Ms. Scarpari
and everyone else in that club

It was my home away from home
and although i can come back and visit next year
it will never be the same.

and that is exactly how i feel about the theater.
it went from being a place to hide out with a best friend
after poetry club meetings, running around

to a place to wait.
a place to hide.
a place to forget
a place to remember
a place to call my own.

Sanctuaries.
these are my sanctuaries.
and i know that after June i wont be able to claim them as my own

they will be someone elses.
and maybe
just maybe

in four years
ill watch someone else tell me the same.

HAPPY TWO YEARS :]

I cannot believe how fast time has flown
and that i've been writing on this crazzyyy blog of mine
for two years now

oh how you read me
how you've seen me.

sometimes way better than ive even seen myself.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Keep all hands and feet in the vehicle at all times...

So I've been on a crazy
like 90's music spree

I've been listening to a whole bunch of music that i used to love when i was younger.

Currently im listening to N*Sync
why?
i have no idea.

Nostalgia i guess?

its kinda funny.

anyway...
in other news.
Poetry Night tomorrow :]
and im sooooo excited.

but on the same note
i have a feeling im about to make a huge mistake
and i know i say this all the time.
but i really do feel like i am about to do something really stupid.

Lately ive been feeling like im holding my breath.
and every now and then i can feel myself have a brief moment where i can actually breathe properly.
and then im back to this strange anticipating feeling.

what could i possibly be anticipating?!

im nervous.
something is going to happen soon
i dont know what it is.
or whether its good or not
but i can feel it.

ive been incredibly antsy lately.
and i cant completely explain it.

Oh myy what's going on with me >.<

Almost 2years on blogger?!

wow.
thats insaneeee :]

My pen shakes...

I can never sit still...

oh its just another brokedown lyric

off a beatup track...

blahblahblahh

i feel a social selfdestruction coming soon

lets prevent that at all costs shall we?

please, ladies and gentlemen.

i ask you.

keep all hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times

i have no idea what im saying

this whole no filter thing is just not what im used to

ive never wanted to be so open about anything in my life.

Maybe this is a challenge

for you.

and for me.

but mostly you.

i dare you to know me.

i guess.

hahaha.

thats soooooo ironic.

agression

then slightly passive.

lets not hit the backspace

because clearly i can never rewind my words.

lets see where this leads me then.

because the truth is.

i dont know where im going with this

my mind is scrambled

and i find that lately its been scrambled a lot.

and i see one common factor in all of this.

the gcf if you will.

try and figure it out.

because being vague is almost as cool as this other thing...

and it seems to be what i do best

i know that now that im a little more honest about things

i tend to shy away from the topics that i dont want people to know about

but i also dont

see the thing is.

usually if i say i dont want to talk about something

im looking for the person who will be worth telling it to.

oh my.

where am i going with this.

i need to shut my brain down

this spring break

sprung me into a major breakthrough.

and at the same time.

a major physical breakdown.

i feel exhausted.

and yet ive rested enough.

my body hurts.

every part of me.

i find that i like to spread myself too thin

it makes me feel like i have something to do.

my eyes get weary and restless.

and i have a bit of reading for english to do.

but thats not due for a bit so i can manage.

i dont want to go to school tomorrow. >.<

bahh.

i usually like to leave a post on a witty note...

but quite frankly.

ive got nothing.

Silly Girl...

Didnt you know?

He didnt write Romeo & Juliet

For the hearts of the hopeless romantic

He wrote it to be a tragedy...

I've been in a rather poetic mood lately

Quotinglessandwritingmore...

lol.

maybe i should change the name of this blog :p

I wrote another poem today.

I'd share it with you but I'm weary of prying eyes

and little spies.

>.<

alkdjoaiedlk

i have to stop rhyming.

I feel like Dr. Seuss

in all honesty though.

My poem is really good.

and as much as I'd like to share it with the world.

only one person is meant to read it.

Instead of making it a happily ever after

she ended it with a...

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time...

One way mirror to the past...

I reread some old posts on my myspace blog
from three years ago.

I have no idea who that girl is.
when did she become me?
when did i allow her to live?

I am so glad I am not her anymore.
It hurts me.
to read those things.
to remember what it was to be like that.

God, i must sound crazy.
I must be crazy.

Either way.
I like being happy.
and i know this will last.
Im never gonna doubt that again.

Idk.
dont mind me.
im in a strange mood.
the truth is.
i have no idea what im talking about.

im just writing whatever i feel at the moment.
a dangerous thing, really.

ive never been this open about anything
i find that my filter is getting less and less
and im being more and more.
i only weed out the coarse things.
like a broken collander...

my toes are cold.
haha.
i think its a sign of cold feet.
nervousness.
what could i be nervous about

my heart was so heavy two minutes ago
and writing all that im thinking now makes me feel so light.

im no longer that girl.
but i still have to finish picking up her pieces.
she has one part missing.

now to find out how to bring it back together.

like a missing shell in humpty dumpty's egg.
all the kings men can not fix this.
i only need one.

and he's too far to fix.
not in distance no.
not physically.

i have to call my dad.
but how will i find the words to say?

this needs to be settled.
once and for all.

and maybe then...
this one way mirror.
won't reflect me any longer.