As I lay me down to sleep...

So as always, i start off by saying how much i've been meaning to write...
i think that maybe i'm starting to sound like a broken record.

About a week ago i found myself yet again at a crossroad.
I felt lost.
Sometimes I still have a slight fleeting moment when I still do.

but at the same time.
I have this overwhelming sense of gratitude and luck.

Im not quite sure why i felt this way.
i think that maybe its a culmination of several things...

1) my first semester of freshman year has just ending
2) it's my first time in a long time where i dont have a job during the holiday season

i think that for the most part i felt lost because i didnt know what to do with myself.
during most if not all of my HS life i always had something to do.
ESPECIALLY during this time.
whether it was theater or work or clubs or hanging out at the library or even swimming for a short period of time.
i always had something to do.
now...
idk what to do.
I dont want to go back to the apartment because i dont want to be lazy and sleep
but on the other hand idk where to go.
so lately, well, before the break, i would go to BN and relax, maybe study.

i also havent been able to spend much.
its the first time in 4years that i havent had a job during the holiday season.
its weird
and i keep forgetting that i dont have money. :[

but its fine.
my mom found a way to remind me who i am
she's good for that and i owe her so much for it.
she never fails to bring me back.
she never fails to save me from myself.

like i said earlier though,
at the same time,
im so lucky to find that everything is falling slowly but surely into place.

first and foremost, as i have alluded to before
i am completely in love
and i think this time, i got it right :]
at first i was worried for a bit that i would lose myself again.
that i would forget myself and who i am and what i value
and to be honest...
sometimes i do.
but then i remember.
and i am able to ground myself.
and i find that this time....
its so different.
and so much better.
and for the first time...
im not the only one.
:]

i think that in retrospect this is really and truly my first love.
before, i was more eager to just feel soo...
connected.
for a while i was lonely.
i didnt know what i felt like i was missing but i knew i was missing something
and then i realized it was love
i was missing out on love
so i searched high and low and i found someone i thought could fill that void.
and to be honest...
it wasnt his fault
it was mine.
i wanted to fill a void that no one else could fill because it was a void i had to fill myself

i needed to learn to love myself
for everything i am
all my perfections and my imperfections.

so when it fell through,
i was disappointed and upset.
but i took that time to build
i took it to grow
and i found that i was ready again
and to make it count

and now that wish has come true.

above all my family life is tighter
my home is closer
and my relationship with my father is slightly steadier.
there are of course some things i need to change
but all in due time

for now..
im grateful.
im satisfied
and i am content with my life.
and you know what?

it doesnt scare me as much as it used to.
this will not fall through.
i know it wont.
because i know that this is in my hands
and that i am too happy to break it.


so yeah, i worry sometimes because i am human

but for now?
i know that this will be a wonderful holiday season and a happy new year.


so i will stop this long half asleep rant...
(which was semi inspired by a new "follower" to my blog.)
as always i know i will sleep better,
knowing that my words have flowed through.

GoodnightLove.