This is me. I think?

1. I wear all my emotions on my sleeve.
2. I hate feeling vunerable.
3. Doing this makes me feel vunerable. but i feel like its something i have to do. not for you. but for me.
4. I pretend to know exactly what i want. but the truth is. i dont. not even close. I have an idea.
5. I overthink everything. and i mean EVERYTHING.
6. I speak in double entendres all the time.
7. I generally try to mean everything I say and say everything I mean.
8. I really do care about everyone. Even if i dislike you.
9. I criticize myself all the time. not because i want to find fault but because i want to improve.
10. I spend most of my time trying to be witty and poetic. half the time it makes me feel sloppy and pathetic.
11. I hate feeling pathetic.
12. I have a completely different way of defining pathetic than most.
13. I have never been this honest about myself to anyone. i dont even think I've been this honest with myself.
14. I have no idea why Im writing this but Im not stopping.
15. I generally put up this bitchy attitude when i meet people. Mostly because I'm afraid to trust them too soon.
16. I hate feeling afraid.
17. I've been feeling afraid a lot lately.
18. I hate that time feels like its going so slowly and at the same time i find myself trying to catch up with it constantly.
19. I do not care what most people think of me. BUT there are people whom i would hate to disappoint.
20. I trully am never the same person twice.
21. Sometimes i really feel like ive lost my mind. then i remember that you had to have it, before you can lose it.
22. My favorite number used to be 3. but that was when i was little. and i think its mostly because to me. 3 meant family. it meant being whole. it meant mother. father. baby. but i realize now that family can be more than 3. and now my favorite number is 22 :]
23. I like to be vague.
24. I also like to be very open about things
25. I constantly contradict myself
26. I'm always worried that i confuse people.
27. I highly doubt anyone reads my blog at all.
28. Its pretty disappointing actually.
29. Despite the fact that I've lived here for almost 6years next month. I sometimes catch myself calling Elizabeth home. and i honestly dont know why.
30. I believe in God.
31. but i also believe in experiencing other religions until I've found my own faith.
32. I am afraid that sometime 3years ago. i lost my faith. and i am only starting to find it again. and for that i am trully sorry.
33. This is why i sometimes feel uncomfortable in church. i feel like a fraud.
34. I may not be Catholic. but as much as i get nervous in Cathedrals/Churches I love looking at them.
35. I may seem random. but sometimes my randomness is in fact not even close to being random.
36. I am happier now than I think I have ever been, but that doesnt mean there arent a few things I'd change.
37. I can be the best listener ever.
38. I am always worried that I talk about myself too much.
39. I am always worried that I bother people with my petty problems.
40. I doubt I'm actually going to post this.
41. Because of that I will post it.
42. I constantly dare myself to do things i normally wouldnt. sometimes i take the dare. sometimes i chicken out.
43. I reread everything i write billions of times.
44. I believe that somewhere there exists an alternate reality for every decision we almost made.
45. I would like to see what these places look like, and where i'd be. if i'd be. but i would never change anything.
46. i have been in love with a person before.
47. but i think that i held onto the feeling of love longer than i actually did love.
48. in all honesty i think i was and still am in love with love. the thought of it. and the feeling it gives.
49. I am starting to believe in second chances. although not fully. when i do decide that i am done with you. I. Am. Done. and i dont look back.
50. I want to live a full life.
51. I want to know what that means.
52. I have high hopes for the future of man.
53. I also doubt that there will ever be peace.
54. I do believe in mankind
55. I dont believe in the reasons we fight.
56. I dont sing because i want to show off. or because i think i am better than you.
57. in fact i believe there will always be someone better than me at something.
58. I sing because it helps me escape the current moment. or relive past moments.
59. I want to learn how to play the guitar. right now i only know how to play the NBC chime.
60. I want to continue learning how to play the piano. although i dont think i will pursue it.
61. My feet are always cold. even when the rest of me isnt.
62. I can be very playful.
63. I can be very serious.
64. I can be very shy.
65. I can be loud and obnoxious.
66. I can be very reserved.
67. I can be extremely sexy.
68. I have bunches of notebooks that have the beginnings to several short stories/novels.
69. Hopefully someday i'll finish one.
70. I dont think i will finish one until i finish finding myself.
71. I think that time is coming soon.
72. I love English. The language and the literature.
73. I am very good with languages.
74. I speak fluent English. but i can understand and speak some Spanish, Filipino/Tagalog, and French.
75. If i listen to a language long enough, I can begin to understand it.
76. I started reading at about 1year old.
77. I havent stopped. and i hope never to stop.
78. I want to see the world.
79. I'm afraid to leave my family behind.
80. I hope to be a good mother someday.
81. That day is not coming anytime soon. I want to know that i can tell my child something interesting.
82. I will put the happiness of the people i love before mine.
83. this is my character flaw.
84. this is also my strength.
85. I am in love with a man by the name of William Shakespeare. even though i have only read a few of his works, I will always love him.
86. I love playing with words. and talking in puns. and also extended metaphors.
87. If you can keep up with my dry humor, we will get along amazingly.
88. There is a man that i have never met, never will meet, never know. but at the same time every year. i leave flowers for him at the same street corner. maybe someday his daughter will read this and know that its been me all this time.
89. I think that sometimes we have to hit rock bottom, in order to know what flying high feels like. I have hit bottom. and i can feel myself increasing in altitude.
90. I love you. whoever you are. for reading this.
91. I love you. whoever you are. for laughing at my faults.
92. I love you. whoever you are. for taking me seriously.
93. I love you. whoever you are. for ignoring everything I've written.
94. I love you. whoever you are. for agreeing with me.
95. I love you. whoever you are. for disagreeing with me.
96. I love you. whoever you are. for allowing me to love you.
97. I love you. whoever you are. for hating that i love you.
98. I love you. whoever you are. for hating me.
99. I love you. whoever you are. whomever you were. whoever you choose to be. whomever you want to be. and whomever you will become.
100. I love you. point blank. thats it. no more.

Baby, this isn't the end.
this is only the beginning...

Maybe I am like the weather...

ever changing with a

slight chance of unstable.

cold one day,

and warming up to you the next...

[[if you dont get that reference see: Trade In Your Sentimental Values...]]

I'm just a bundle of mixed emotions right now.
rawrr...
i feel so confused.

and so....

idk.

i find that i spend most of my time overanalyzing every little thing.
and in the end its probably not worth it

i heard once that: there's a reason why your brain is above your heart.
and for a while i countered with: there's also a reason why your heart is at the center of your body.

sometimes i forget that though.
and it seems to me that I'm about as balanced and as aligned as my car right now.
[which, is neither aligned nor balanced at all.]

I, like my car, am leaning to the right
the reason. the rational
never the left.

i need a balance.
i need a way to find how to make myself...
idk.

i feel like i'm missing something.
but i cant seem to figure out what it is....

i have a feeling it is important
and really obvious.

maybe missing something is a little much.
but i feel off track.

its like i have all the momentum
but none of the stamina.

[[11:11...make a wish.]]
thats another thing.
i find myself making the same wish all the time.
I'm like a broken record skipping on repeat.

round and round i go...
where i stop.
nobody knows...

I need a change
and i need it now.

need it quick.
and i can feel it on its way.

Ever watch the tide crash on the shore?
thats kinda what i feel like...

like I'm stuck in high tide
and i keep swimming in one direction
and the waves are pulling me in and out
back and forth.

again I'm not making any sense.

I find that I havent been filtering myself lately
im just saying things
doing things
without thinking...

its like im on Autopilot.

but in an okay way
not like before

No.
never like before.
not in a million years.

I guess, overall, i can only hope that the decisions i end up making
are good. and right for me.

i know that wherever i go and whatever i do
i'll find a way to make things work.

i will never be that pathetic little girl again.

i am stronger now than i ever was before and i know that i will stay that way.
i just need to remember that.
because sometimes.
well...
okay...
a lot of the time...
i forget that.
and i second guess myself.

God, this rant is all over the place
i cant seem to get my thoughts in order.

i feel like a mess.
i look like it too.

ohhh my..
baby im tryingg...

My mind. My hands. My mouth. My eyes. My heart.
they need to find a balance.
and soon.
i dont know how much longer i can take this out of wack feeling.

I need to find time for myself.
I need to meditate.
I havent done that in a while.
Mediate yes. Meditate no.
i should change that.

My shoulders are constantly tense
and honestly it hurts a lot.
I cant sleep
and if i do, i find myself waking up at random intervals

Psychologically, i know thats bad.
and it probably means something
scratch that. i know exactly what it means.
ohhh myyy.

whatever.
i better stop now.
i need to sleep.

goodnight.
iloveyou.
i mean that.
whoever you are
big. small. black. white. short. tall. boy. girl.

iloveyou.

and maybe that
is my tragic flaw.

I feel like...

everything is happening so fast.

how the hell is it already March!?
it just dawned on me.

Opening night is in two weeks
and i feel like I'm gonna cry.

I want everything to slow down
i feel like the world is spinning so fast and i cant seem to align myself according to its axis.
and when i think i do.
it flips.

does that make any sense?
i doubt it.

nothing i say makes sense.
not even to me half the time.

sometimes it makes me feel like a fraud.

and yet.
in the same way that i want everything to slow...
i want time to fly fast.
i want to graduate
i want to leave
i want to find myself more than i have
i want to...
i dont know.
i dont know what i want
it seems that lately i never do.

and in a way
im so grateful im never home
because to be honest
i need to stay busy.
i need to have a reason to not stop to think
because i know that if i do.
i wont know what to do with myself.

oh God.
where do i go from here?

i dont want to leave everyone i love.
but i want to
but i dont

ajkld;joiane;dlks/pn;fnd;jshnsdbhfea
im sick of being scared
but i dont know how to not be.

the truth is:
im not sure at all.
im just as confused as everyone else.
i just do a damn good job at bluffing

sometimes i can even fool myself.

wait a sec...

It cant be two years from now!

thats too fast
too soon!

no
it has to be two years from something though.
an anniversary?



wtf?!
im soooo confuseedddddd..... :[

hold upp
lets calm down and assess the situation:

maybe it wasnt my dream?
but someone elses?
in retrospect it sounds like something that already happened
and now that i think about it...
the timing fits right?
everything.
the new years...
november...

maybe it wasnt my dream.
no.

no it wasnt.

so how does that make me feel?
lol.
even more confused than before...

Its another night, another dream wasted on you...

I have just had the WEIRDEST dream of all time.

i dont think its the big dream i've been anticipating.

I dont know if it will come true
or if i want it to yet
[although i was very happy in the dream]

but all i know is...
2011.
yeah thats gonna be one interesting year.

so i wrote it down.
in a note to myself
and i hid it.
and if in 2011 on january 1st
what i wrote is true.

then holy shit!
>.<

i know who it is
and what it is
and when it is.
i just dont know if it is.

and the crazy part is.
i know that the way it happened in my dream
is probably how it would happen in real life.
and i know this may not make sense to any of you
[if anyone actually reads these]
but it does to me.

for now.

but the question is:
will i say yes?