Maybe I am like the weather...

ever changing with a

slight chance of unstable.

cold one day,

and warming up to you the next...

[[if you dont get that reference see: Trade In Your Sentimental Values...]]

I'm just a bundle of mixed emotions right now.
rawrr...
i feel so confused.

and so....

idk.

i find that i spend most of my time overanalyzing every little thing.
and in the end its probably not worth it

i heard once that: there's a reason why your brain is above your heart.
and for a while i countered with: there's also a reason why your heart is at the center of your body.

sometimes i forget that though.
and it seems to me that I'm about as balanced and as aligned as my car right now.
[which, is neither aligned nor balanced at all.]

I, like my car, am leaning to the right
the reason. the rational
never the left.

i need a balance.
i need a way to find how to make myself...
idk.

i feel like i'm missing something.
but i cant seem to figure out what it is....

i have a feeling it is important
and really obvious.

maybe missing something is a little much.
but i feel off track.

its like i have all the momentum
but none of the stamina.

[[11:11...make a wish.]]
thats another thing.
i find myself making the same wish all the time.
I'm like a broken record skipping on repeat.

round and round i go...
where i stop.
nobody knows...

I need a change
and i need it now.

need it quick.
and i can feel it on its way.

Ever watch the tide crash on the shore?
thats kinda what i feel like...

like I'm stuck in high tide
and i keep swimming in one direction
and the waves are pulling me in and out
back and forth.

again I'm not making any sense.

I find that I havent been filtering myself lately
im just saying things
doing things
without thinking...

its like im on Autopilot.

but in an okay way
not like before

No.
never like before.
not in a million years.

I guess, overall, i can only hope that the decisions i end up making
are good. and right for me.

i know that wherever i go and whatever i do
i'll find a way to make things work.

i will never be that pathetic little girl again.

i am stronger now than i ever was before and i know that i will stay that way.
i just need to remember that.
because sometimes.
well...
okay...
a lot of the time...
i forget that.
and i second guess myself.

God, this rant is all over the place
i cant seem to get my thoughts in order.

i feel like a mess.
i look like it too.

ohhh my..
baby im tryingg...

My mind. My hands. My mouth. My eyes. My heart.
they need to find a balance.
and soon.
i dont know how much longer i can take this out of wack feeling.

I need to find time for myself.
I need to meditate.
I havent done that in a while.
Mediate yes. Meditate no.
i should change that.

My shoulders are constantly tense
and honestly it hurts a lot.
I cant sleep
and if i do, i find myself waking up at random intervals

Psychologically, i know thats bad.
and it probably means something
scratch that. i know exactly what it means.
ohhh myyy.

whatever.
i better stop now.
i need to sleep.

goodnight.
iloveyou.
i mean that.
whoever you are
big. small. black. white. short. tall. boy. girl.

iloveyou.

and maybe that
is my tragic flaw.