bahhh

I feel kinda sick lately >.<
but oh well.

Ive taken to spending more time with my family too.
I started taking piano lessons from my aunt again
for two reasons.
1. her grand piano is BEAUTIFUL and i love to play it. even if i mess up it sounds amazinggg :]
2. i miss her sometimes.

before my cousin was born my aunt and i used to hang out all the time.
she's my namesake :]
so im kinda using it as an excuse to chill at her house.

and as an excuse to get out of mine
its not that i dont want to be home or that anything is wrong
i just...
i cant stay in my house anymore.
it feels like im always home
and i like having reasons to drive around
[ yay snowflake ! ]

oh and i had this weird dream last night
about my father.
i dreamt i called him
or rather. he called me
and everything went well
but i was scared. because it sounded like something was wrong with him
i dont think thats the case. but im still kinda worried
ive been putting off calling him for a while now
i keep finding excuses not to.
i havent talked to him in months. >.<

blehhh.
my nose is runny
my ears are clogged
and my voice sounds like an old woman after a tracheotomy for smoking for 29012839213years
lol.
but i definitely feel better than i did the other day.
so im cool

akfjoiejdl
crystal springs yesterday was awesome!
lol
and we had a bbq at my house.
soooo much fun

i miss having family functions like that.
after everyone left my uncle and my parents and the rest of his family
we all went to the basement to show them the mini gym we have
and it was funny because he saw our old karate stuff
and i remembered when i was little and we all used to go together
i even got him to do some kicks like we used to
and our old forms and basics
:]
he was so happy and peaceful doing those things like we used to

i saw him light up
i like that.
and i miss it too.

If you were to die tomorrow...

what would be one thing you'd want to do?

that was a topic in speech class today :]
and i know exactly what i would want.

I would want to be able to tell everyone EXACTLY
what im thinking and feeling at the moment

to be completely honest.

i mean its not that im not honest enough already
i just want to know that ive said everything ive wanted to.

and I think that
i'm starting to open up to that

I've started this thing
on my facebook and twitter pages

100truths for 100days
everyday im going to post something ive never told anyone

Im already on day 3
its kinda weird i know
but w/e
most of them are being taken from my
This Is Me, I think?
post.
but i think starting tomorrow im going to start making new ones.
and then get the best from that post

im keeping the last 10 though :]

So many things to say, but oddly enough i have no idea how to even approach saying them...

Actually thats a lie.
its not odd at all.

Most of the time I have no idea what to say.
and the fact that im so quick witted most of the time surprises me
i dont even realize ive responded
let alone responded intelligently
until ive said it and processed what ive said.

today has been interesting to say the least.
just another crazy day at work.

i find that...

WOAH!
i just completely lost my train of thought
like entirely
i dont even know where i was going with that
or in what general vicinity i was directing my statement
>.<

crazyyyy


anyway...
so today was actually a pretty good day

[[ completely contradicting my previous statement i know ]]
i have the tendency to contradict myself all the time
i even contradict my contradictions

anywayyy...
lol.
uhm. yeah.
soo as i was saying
[typing?]
yes. so today was good.
with the minor exception of some creepy crazy hobo
who walked into our store today.
and proceeded to request that i be
"put on that sandwich" ?
which is kind of gross.

okay EXTREMELY gross
and veryyyy awkward.
he kept calling me honey
and sweetie and all kinds of things.
while i was wrapping his food and ringing him up
after a few more creepy glares and stuff i just couldnt take it anymore
so i told him not to call me honey

and he then proceeded to flip out.
telling me i was rude and angry
and he made this huge scene about it.
so...
i told him to get out.
and i threatened to call the cops
i almost did too.

he scared me.
im not quite sure why
i mean there is the obvious:
hes crazy

but i think i was more afraid as to what i would have done
had he not left.
meaning had he decided to do something drastic
like physically harrass me.
i guess?

which i guess brings me to my next thought:
what would i have done?
well i clearly would have not tolerated him attacking me
therefore i would attack back?
but then...
i dont know.

it goes down to
him or me?

so what does survival mean?
at the risk of someone elses?

i think thats what i was most afraid of.
after he left i couldnt stop shaking
i only stopped shaking about and hour or so ago
after drinking tea by the suggestion of a friend.

i find it ironic that i just started reading the Lord of the Flies
in english

because it directly ties to my aforementioned question.
which i never answered.

my biggest fear in that sense is to lose control in a state of heated emotion.
like fear or anger.
and hurt [and overall] kill someone.
the possiblility of the loss of emotional control kinda freaks me out in a way.
in that sense at least.

i mean i know ive said that if it were
me vs someone threatening me
i would overall choose selfdefense
but how much of that is really true?

i dont think i would.
well okay not that i wouldnt
but more that i couldnt.

i dont want to hurt anyone
and id feel guilty for it.
even though it would be in selfdefense.

does that make any sense at all?
i guess not.

i dont know.
all i know is

i hope he never comes back
ever.
but i see him walking by all the time
and he like waves at me through the window
and i pretend not to see.

i really do hope i never see him again.

Lately, I've had the strangest feeling...

wow. i havent thought of that song in a while
>.<
[[ Jodeci: Lately ]]

anyway...
know what else i havent done in a while?
blog.

Ive been slackin big time.
I think its because lately
ive been trying to keep busy

the busier i am the more i can keep my mind off of things

like the fact that graduation is in a month
and that i only have like 24days of Highschool left.
it feels so weird

its like you wait your entire life for the moment you graduate
and then you get here and...

im being redundant

anywaysss...
ive been very poetic lately.
i was sitting in the car yesterday and i came up with like
3 poems.

crazyyy.

im incredibly tired
and apparently very boring today.
since i was sooo ready to write something
and ive now forgotten what it was >.<
lolol.

so with that
i say

good night
good night
parting is such sweet sorrow...
but i shall say goodnight til it be morrow. :]

[[ Shakespeare FTW! ]]

Everything just seems to be falling into place...

Its amazing how the universe works.

Soo....
I'm pretty excited because
well...
as you can see I've gotten myself a twitter :p

http://twitter.com/cuethesun22

and I've been "following"
this great guy named Joseph McClendon III
he's kind of like a life coach
and i dont know how it got to be so
but we've been talking and
he's opened up some great opportunities for me :]

I know I'm being a bit vague, but I'm still in the process of finding out more
about this scholarship he's giving out.
either way Im really excited!!

if this works out.
I can go to California and a whole bunch of other things
COMPLETELY FREE!!! :D

its sooo great!


either way im sooo glad i got a twitter
because otherwise, i wouldnt have been able to talk to Joseph as much as i have lately
and i wouldnt have been able to find out about this

check it out if you want to see why im so excited:
http://changeyouruniverse.com/

We drove into a great sunset, and lived a life with no regrets.

As i was driving home today
I looked into my rearview mirror
and i saw the most beautiful sunset i have ever seen

and you know what it made me think of?

that line in my favorite song:
We woke before the sun could rise
We packed our bags and waved goodbye,
We drove into a great sunset
And lived a life with no regrets...
[["Dont Wait" by Hit the Lights]]

and what i realized then
is that i want to do that one day.
I want to wake up one morning.
and just drive
drive farrr
take an insane road trip across the country.

i want to find a highway
somewhere
thats just an open field that stretches out for miles
and speed off into the sunset :]

maybe someday i will do that.
i've always wanted to take a road trip.
i love driving.
and i love my car
[[Snowflake!]]

mostly because,
she's mine.
all mine.
lol.
i bought her. i paid for her.
i fixed her up.

and well...
there's something about that car.
that just calms me.
makes me feel safe.
sometimes when i get home from a long day at school or at work
i sit in my car and i turn off the engine.
i roll down my window and i listen to the radio
or i sit silently and listen to the stars.

and it feels good.
because for that one moment
im all to myself.
i have all the time in the world.
and i know that my neighbors must think im crazy
[[i sit in my car and lurk. i dance in the middle of the street. i sing in the middle of the street. i write i love you in the middle of the street when it snows. i howl at the full moon. i count the stars.]]
jeez. im surprised they havent had me sent to Arkham yet :]

but in those moments that
i dance and sing and howl and everything else.
i feel sooo
alive.
i feel like theres nothing else in this world that can keep me from moving
that i can take anything
even for that one minute
i can be anything.
i can handle anything.

you should try it one day.

heres how you do it:
1. you turn on your car radio to either
a) the most obnoxiously ghetto music
b) lite acoustic/acapella music
c) classical music
d) none or all of the above

2. you stand right in the middle of the street
[[only if you live in a quiet area though. please do not stand in the middle of like rt 1&9 or something. i do not wanna get sued]]

3. and you just
a) dance
b) sing along/hum along if there are no lyrics
c) flail about like an idiot
d) some combination of all of the above

it is the most exhilarating feeling in the world

if a neighbor comes by:
1) say hello [[dont be rude.]]
2) invite them to join you :]
3) tell them to have a wonderful day
3.5) mean it when you tell them to have a wonderful day
4) then calmly collect your dignity and proceed to flail about as if they arent there.

:]
trust me. its a whole lot of fun.

and promise to howl when you see a full moon
and to wish on at least one star
[[make sure its a star though. i've made a lot of wishes on airplanes.]]

and above all.
dont be afraid to live
dont be afraid to love
dont be afraid to get what you want
dont be afraid to command what you deserve
because chances are.
you were meant to have everything i just mentioned above
and a whole lot more.


iloveyou.
remember that.
somewhere.
out in this world
someone loves you.
more than you can imagine.
you just have to find them.

I am so happy :D

Today was...
so beautiful.

I woke up early
[[i seem to do that a lot on weekends.]]
and i went out with my mom for a bit.

and at around 5ish
i met up with Joanna and my little brother
:]

You have no idea how happy it made me
to see her.
to see my brother.
God, he has grown sooo much
and his Autism is a lot more controlled.
[[Maybe its the Gluten-free diet?]]
he speaks a lot more
and he's calmer.

I cannot believe he's going to be 8 this year.
but he was just so happy to see me!
he hugged me and held my hand
i guess what im trying to get to
is that he remembered me
and that i loved him

thats all he said
when i first saw him
"I love Amanda. I love my sister. Sister loves me...."
it made me want to cry.

He is such a blessing<333

and Joanna
i missed her a lot.
its kinda weird to see her.
i mean. since she and my father divorced.

how do you explain that to people
"Well, uh, she's my...well...my dad's...no. my brother...uhm half? brother. no i mean. uhmm....shes my Joanna."
thats just it.
she's Joanna
she's like a second mother and a best friend
i guess thats what she's always been to me.
my friend
i could tell her anything.
and she the same.
and to sit with her and talk for 3hours?
was just so...
it felt soo good.

I missed her.
and my brother.
and all i kept thinking is
i cant believe theyre here
it was like a dream almost.
and what a wonderful dream it was
even better was that it was real.

we talked about everything.
work. school. Julius. everything.

I hope we can do this again soon.

i just...
i need to find a way to talk to my dad now.
i need to fix that.
and i know i say it a lot.
i just.
idk.
i need to...i guess suck it up and just talk to him.
soon.

not now.
but soon.

In an altogether different note...

i am incredibly exhausted.
and i have no idea why.

im usually soooo hyped up in weather like this.
but today im just akljgv;oidsnvoleanwd;ovcl

i think its just cuz yesterday was sooo busy
running around doing things for Poetry Night

[[which was incredibly amazing. ill get to that in a bit]]

and running to a Singers concert

[[also amazing but not as exhilarating nor as refreshing]]

and then back to Poetry.


i cannot believe that its been four years since i timidly joined the poetry club
i cannot believe how much it has grown since we started it.
and above all i never imagined how much it has helped me
how much it has changed me
how much it has saved me.

like theater, Poetry club was my release
the only time where i can run around free and do what i wanted without being afraid of letting myself show.

last night.
looking into that crowd. and realizing that my poetry meetings were numbered.
i wanted to cry.

That club has been my sanctuary.
those people: my family. my pastors. my congregation.

Writing poetry wasnt just an Anti-Drug
it was a lifesaver.
a way to let out everything that ive felt in these past 4years
from sheer happiness. to love. to insanity. to delusional. to depressed. to suicidal. to recovery. to sanity. to happiness. and finally back to love.

i cannot imagine what my life in highschool would have been like without Ms. Scarpari
and everyone else in that club

It was my home away from home
and although i can come back and visit next year
it will never be the same.

and that is exactly how i feel about the theater.
it went from being a place to hide out with a best friend
after poetry club meetings, running around

to a place to wait.
a place to hide.
a place to forget
a place to remember
a place to call my own.

Sanctuaries.
these are my sanctuaries.
and i know that after June i wont be able to claim them as my own

they will be someone elses.
and maybe
just maybe

in four years
ill watch someone else tell me the same.

HAPPY TWO YEARS :]

I cannot believe how fast time has flown
and that i've been writing on this crazzyyy blog of mine
for two years now

oh how you read me
how you've seen me.

sometimes way better than ive even seen myself.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Keep all hands and feet in the vehicle at all times...

So I've been on a crazy
like 90's music spree

I've been listening to a whole bunch of music that i used to love when i was younger.

Currently im listening to N*Sync
why?
i have no idea.

Nostalgia i guess?

its kinda funny.

anyway...
in other news.
Poetry Night tomorrow :]
and im sooooo excited.

but on the same note
i have a feeling im about to make a huge mistake
and i know i say this all the time.
but i really do feel like i am about to do something really stupid.

Lately ive been feeling like im holding my breath.
and every now and then i can feel myself have a brief moment where i can actually breathe properly.
and then im back to this strange anticipating feeling.

what could i possibly be anticipating?!

im nervous.
something is going to happen soon
i dont know what it is.
or whether its good or not
but i can feel it.

ive been incredibly antsy lately.
and i cant completely explain it.

Oh myy what's going on with me >.<