rawrgrrargh.

lkj;onarfne;nfciohfioaafa

I am soooo mad right now.

okay so this week was supposed to be the BEST WEEK EVERRR

leading up to THE BEST BIRTHDAY EVERRR

buttttttttt...now it just sucks.

my plans for this week were:

mon &tues: normal class days

wed: Here's to Life playing at my school

thurs: co-hosting our school radio show with my friend

fri: going to a concert with my boyfriend

sat: epic birthday party

sun: my birthday/day with my boyfriend.

but last sunday as i was driving home from my parents house i stpped at a red light. the driver of the Dodge Ram 1500 behind me, did not. He ended up rearending my vehicle. :[

(poor Snowflake)

luckily i had my seatbelt on and i had no major injuries (like broken bones or whatever)

but the impact of the hit flung me forward and back suddenly. I had a huge headache and i was dizzy immediately.

i got out of my car and so did he, we looked at the damage.

being that this was my first accident i had no idea what to do, so i didnt call the cops (my mistake)

but neither did he. so we decided to move our cars to a nearby gas station

he got out and looked at the damage and said "oh its nothing okay i go home"

i didnt know what to do but i knew enough that he shouldnt leave. so i made him wait for my godmother to get there, as soon as she did, he left.

we drove home and my headache just got worse and worse. i called my parents then the police.

i went to police station and then the hospital from 930pm-3am

long story short,

Im in a lot of pain.

A LOT.

I have really bad whiplash and i had a minor concussion.

my brain feels like mush and everything is aching.

even my face.

(of all places!?)

anyway back to the point.

i spent all of monday trying to rest up

tuesday running around to a doctor

wednesday i spent all morning in the municipality running back and forth from police to judges to cranky ladies. and then later on when it was time for the show...no one showed up. other than the bands :[

i felt horrible. like incredibly bad that they basically played a band showcase for each other. my plan was to just talk it up all week while i was in school but i wasnt in school mon-wed. :[

above all my body ached and my head felt like it was going to explode.

today (thursday) was my first day back in classes and for some stupid reason i had some sort of quiz/exam/writing prompt in EVERY CLASS.

i wanted to just die on the spot.

sooo i ended up not being able to do the radio show. which pissed me off because i was really looking forward to it. but at least i got to sleep.

tomorrow night was the concert. I was totally excited to see Hit the Lights again and to just party it uppp, but...i cant. After last night I realized that my parents were right, my body cant take it.

:[

sooo yeah... so much for that.

i guess in a way its probably just a sign for me to not overflow my week with so much to do. but at the same time how can i not want to!?

i've been planning this for months, trying to make it the best birthday week everr

especially since im finally turning 18.

I cant do anything i wanted to. but at least we still have the party saturday night and i get to spend the day with my boyfriend on my birthday.

im just frustrated.

frustrated that because some guy wasnt paying attention for 5seconds my entire week is shot.

and granted it could be so much worse

(and im really thankful that it isnt)

but everything hurts

and all week i find that i just get irritable.

for no reason

and i feel like i want to cry and i cant control it.

maybe its because i got all shaken up (physically)

and im still getting over the minor brain injury

but it sucks.

today i had a calc quiz

and the problem was decent. something i couldve finished with time to spare

but as i started to do the problem, my head began to throb and i found that i couldnt focus on the numbers or the equation.

(just thinking about it makes my head hurt :[ )

and in the middle of it i felt like bursting into tears and i couldnt explain it.

it frustrates me sooo much.

and im soooo mad right now.

everything hurts.

everything.

Because you left the frays from the ties you severed...

When you said

Bestfriends means friends forever

[[ Seventy times Seven by Brand New]]

To whom it fucking concerns:

I wish you had the decency to deal with me yourself. I wish you understood how much pain you've caused us all. I wish you knew that because of all this bullshit that you've started, there is so much tension everywhere. Does that make you happy? Does it make you feel like a big fucking adult? Does it make you feel as though you've won?

How does it feel to hide behind mommy? How does it feel to know that you can twist words into daggers? God, I wish I had the insight to see all of this beforehand. I wish I never stood up for you. I wish I didn't care so goddamn much. I wish that this didn't come as such a shock. The worst part is that I felt it when I met you, but I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt. Like all the others, you claimed to be different. You claimed to have changed.

You know what is wrong. You know what the real problem is. You know where fault lies and whom it lies with.

Do you know the worst part? That I can't even be angry with you. That as much as I hate to admit it, I completely understand. But you know that don't you? I bet you do. Of course you do. You're my sister. Yeah, that's right. Oh and by the way, who said it first? Not me. No, no sweetie. So is this what sisters do to each other? Wow, I must have missed out on a lot.

My God. What happened? You talked to me, you told me everything, and I told you that no matter what I would always understand. No matter what you decided to do. Are you holding me to that now? I kept all my promises and all your secrets, and I would never say anything about that. Is that why you told me?

Read the statement. Read the FUCKING STATEMENT. Read it and you would understand that I never intended to hurt you. Read it and you'll see that I only defended you. Read it and you'll see that all I did was talk about how much I care for you. For all of you. Read it and you'll know. Read it and you wouldn't be so angry. Maybe you did read it. Maybe you did read it and you saw what I said and you realized what really happened. Maybe you saw that everything you knew was just manipulation. Maybe that's why you're angry. Because you know what is really going on and you don't want to admit it. But in fact you have no right to be angry with me or my family. You have no right to talk about my relationship with my stepfather. You have no right to speak that way to my mother. You have no right to bring up my father.

What the fuck!? Did I bitch when you started calling my mother Momma? No. Fuck, I even asked you about it. I told you I wouldn't call him that if it made you uncomfortable. And what did you say? You said it was fine because it would make us sisters anyway.

So now what?

Are you going to hate us for the rest of your life? That's just great. Because it takes more effort, more emotion, more stress, more cowardice to hate. But to trust? To love? Yeah its hard, and it can hurt, but the rewards are so much more.

Hatred will get you nowhere. You have to know that you will never be able to figure out who you are if you continue to allow people to manipulate you this way. I know you understand this, you're not stupid. I hope that someday you do what you promised. I hope someday you break the cycle. I hope someday you realize what it is you're doing. You could have saved those two little girls more by showing them what it really means to be true to yourself.

Open your eyes! Please. Before you do something you will regret.

Is this what you want for your children? Is this the kind of life you want to live? I know it isn't, so do something about it.

But at the same time... I miss having you here. I miss talking to you. I miss that you were always just five feet away. I miss our stupid jokes. I miss our stupid midnight talks. I miss you. I love you. I will always love you. I will always be here when you realize it. But for right now, I'm hurt. Does that make me an idiot? I guess so. Whatever. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of hurting. I'm just plain tired.

Things have been getting kinda heavy these days, trying to figure out which road to take...

There's many decisions to be made

And the only time I feel okay

Is when I'm in your arms...

[ "From the Second I Wake Up" -Valencia]

Once again it has been way too long since my last post.

There is so much I want to say,

but at the same time i dont even know where to begin.

[ Ha ! what else is new? ]

Hmmm.

Where do i begin...

to tell the story of how great a love can be...

uhm... yeahh.

lol.

had a slight moment there

Well,

For starters...

its already Midterm

which is crazyyy

Last day of the semester

is Dec. 17th :)

and we dont go back until Jan 23rd? or something like that.

which is great !

Im finally getting used to things here in the city

The only downside is i hate that every weekend i go home

and every weekend i come back.

meaning that.

i hate having to only be home on the weekends

most of all i hate leaving.

but at the same time its also a relief to have a place for me.

hmm. what else?

I finally spoke to my father last week

and we pretty much

[ after a lot of tears and arguing ]

patched things up.

and we're now working on "open conversations"

so far.

so good.

and there seems to be oneee morreee thinggg ;)

hmmm.

so there's this guy right...

and he's kinda wonderful.

in a silly sort of way.

hahaha.

we've been together for a month and a half

[ 90309 ]

and i feel really awkward saying all of this

why?

idk. maybe because i usually keep these things to myself

but i dont want to right now.

the truth is.

im really happy

and he makes me really happy too.

so i guess thats all that matters right now :)

all in all

my little frozen lake is still holding strong.

and from time to time i fear that it may crack.

but like i said in the last post...

he says something...

and i know everything will be alright.

and so far

everything has been.

so lets take this all

one day at a time :)

We worked too hard to leave without a fight...

Go ahead and tell everyone you know

we stole the show.

so i havent blogged in like a month >.<

bad bad.

and its been such an eventful month tooo !

I moved out and started classes last week

and its been amazing.

i love this city.

i love my school.

my classes are pretty decent.

my teachers are awesome :)

i totally lucked out :)

and above all.

i have never been sooo happy.

:) :) :)

I still miss my home every now and then

I miss my family and my friends.

but i love this new start.

it feels natural

and i feel stupid for ever fearing it.

I forgot how much i love the city life.

to be in a town that never sleeps,

to feel the buildings breathe in the daily routine.

this is home.

its everything ive ever asked for.

im so blessed.

everything is slowly falling into place

and for a moment

i get really anxious.

everything is too perfect

when things fall into place

something will surely fall apart

but then something happens

someone says something.

and i realize

this isnt going to fall apart

my perfect frozen lake will not crack under the weight of time

and when it melts

it would be the perfect place to reflect the sunrise.

if this is how it all starts

then i cant wait to see what comes next.

Sleeping Less and Dreaming More has never meant soo much.

I love how I slept for all of

ONE HOUR

just now.

literally.

I fell asleep at 5:15am

i woke up at 6:15am

i also have work allllllll dayyyyyyy today.

lol.

i havent stayed up like this in like years.

insomnia is clutching on to me for dear life tonight.

and i dont know why.

okay.

lie.

i do know why.

i know exactly why.

and ive been shaking all night.

i dont know what to do with myself.

ahhhhhhhh

lets just watch the sun finish rising...

Right now this town is for the taking...

Soooo much change is approaching

at rapid speeds.

And for once...

im not afraid.

i think that ive finally accepted everything.

and its such an amazing feeling.

i feel like life has been throwing me into a river

and all this time ive been trying to swim upstream

away from a cascade

but now im done fighting.

and i find that the drop in this waterfall isnt that far.

and that the river

flows into a vast and beautiful ocean.

I'm so excited for the new life ahead of me.

I quit my job and im thinking of work/study programs.

I move out in less than a month.

Im so excited !!

Im going to finally live in the city again.

I've missed it so much.

Dont get me wrong.

iloveithere

what can i say?

This city is contagious

but i miss being in the city.

i miss the chaos

i miss the sirens and the loud people

i miss the busy streets

I cant be in a suburb too long.

not yet.

suburbs are for starting families.

im not ready for that.

and i wont be for a while

cities?

they start lives.

they start things new.

I need that.

I love finding old stuff :)

So i found my mom's old journal when she was a sophomore in highschool.

we are so much alike. :p

in our thoughts and writing styles

i also found a poem i wrote my father that i thought i lost.

Mirrors

[[ 10.30.2006 ]]

He picked up his baby girl

looked her in the eyes

and said "Bebita remember

I am your mirror

and everything you are

so take all my good

and save me the bad

look at me as everything

you wouldnt want to be."

he rocked her in his arms

as his daughter fell asleep.

Years passed

and my how she grew!

into this woman standing in front of you

and she'll look at you and say

"Daddy I am your mirror

and you are mine

so take all the good

and throw the bad

because I am everything you are

and everything you can be."

Look around your world pretty baby, Is it everything you hoped it'd be?

Wrong guy.

Wrong situation.

Right time,

To roll to me.

[Roll to Me -Del Amitri]

this song makes me sooo happy

lol

ive been trying to figure out who sings it

for monthsss :p

:D

that and its such a goooddd soonnggg !!

i love that i have such a random interest in music :p

hmm. so i had a good day today :)

actually

ive had a great weekend too!

Grad party on sunday

went really well :]

soooo much funnn :p

and today i spent some time with my sister.

which i loved.

im glad i have her :)

but dont tell her that ;p

We both play with fire...

...but for some reason,

i seem to be the only one getting burned.

so what do i do?

do i keep the fire burning

in the hopes that it warms up to me

but run the risk of another 3rd degree?

or

do i let the fire die out

and find another place of warmth?

oh how ive drowned

will i ever reach the surface?

do i want to?

i treaded water.

i began to drown.

shall i swim to shore?

smokey the bear says:

only you can help prevent forest fires.

I've only got forever and forever's just fine...

[Vegas Skies- The Cab]

hmmm...

iloveTheCab.

im itchin to see them again...

too bad i have work on the day theyre in the area :/

maybe i can change that :]

hmmmmm....

so today

[well yesterday i guess now...]

has been...

ajdfikjewaoi;fgdnviosno;iawefnoi;djnio;aroi gd

haha.

its been icky.

i overthink things wayyy too much.

i should stop that.

but oh well.

its just part of my charmmm

ha ha.

you know whats funny?

i had a whole bunch of things to say...

and now.

i forgot them :[

no.

i lie.

i just dont wanna tell :x

not like anyone reads this anyway so i guess it wouldnt matter.

hmmm. my songs are great.

i just need to compose music for them >.<

hmmm...

ive never tried putting music to my songs

maybe i should start

im really tired right now.

but at the same time. im too antsy to sleep

im kinda anxious about sleeping right now

i have a feeling im gonna have some weird dreams

like yesterday when i wrote that one song?

i felt like i couldnt breathe.

and i couldnt figure out why

until later...

like i said before.

instincts are good to listen to.

so im avoiding sleep.

even though i really want it.

everytime you go to sleep at night, i wonder what you hide behind closed eyes. what else could you be keeping from me?[Save Your Breath-HTL]