So far, so so good. :]

The New Year has been good to me

And I hope, dear reader, that it has been good to you as well.

It turns out that New Year's Eve was just as good as any other

and the best part was that when the ball dropped at midnight,

I was not alone. :]

I was fortunate enough to have my family surrounding me,

and my wonderful boyfriend at my side.

His name is Dralle, by the way,

if you've noticed I never mention names in this blog

but his is rather important.

to me at least :]

We went outside with my cousin to watch the (illegal) fireworks that my grandmother's neighbors were setting off

and we had a little snowball fight too.

As for the days to follow the beginning of the New Year,

they too have been good to me :]

I believe that this year will be even better than the one before it.

I've done a lot of thinking over the past few days of what I want.

I did not make a resolution at midnight

for I have not much to resolve.

but I do have a few things that I know I want for myself.

for this year and all the other years to come...

So what exactly happened?

Almost four years ago,

I was incredibly depressed.

I didnt know who I was and I felt that I was expected to be perfect from everyone around me.

In retrospect I think its safe to say that I felt like a failure

as a student

as a sister

as a daughter

as a role model to my cousins

as a person in general

I didnt feel like I deserved love from anyone else

especially not myself

I hated myself.

hated every little part about me

I was stressed out and overreacting to everything that was happening in my life

and so, I began to push people away.

(something i got incredibly good at and am now trying to unlearn)

I figured that I was saving them from the trouble of knowing the trainwreck I was becoming.

My grades were horrible

and so the more i felt like a failure

I didnt want to go to school.

I didnt want to deal with people

I just wanted to be alone

I slept all the time.

I did nothing with my life

and so the more i felt worse.

it just kept snowballing and all of a sudden

a tiny snowflake turned into an avalanche of apparent failure.

And so...

on March 10th 2006

I decided that I wanted to end it.

for good.

I wanted to die.

I couldnt stand myself so much that I thought the best way to deal with my hatred for myself was to remove myself.

smart logic i guess.

you have a toothache? take out the tooth

you've got a tumor? remove the tumor

leg aint workin? chop it off

I sat at the desk in my loft crying. Scared. Hurt. Stupid.

Just wanting it all to go away.

I took the closest and sharpest object (a pair of foldable sewing scissors)

and pulled back my sleeves

( Down the road not across the street kiddies. )

I slowly opened the scissors

( they were so cold. )

and pressed it against my left wrist

right at the base of my veins.

I was ready.

So what stopped me?

Ironically enough.

It was a dark day.

completely overcast. skies grey

no sun for miles

but the second i picked up those scissors

the second i accepted what i was about to do

the sun came out

it shown through the window and onto the silver sewing shears

the light brought me back

and i remembered everything

i thought of my family and my friends

most of all i thought of my brother

Julius

I owe him my life.

(him and a few others throughout the rest of the year too)

when he was born I swore i would protect him

what good would i be if i were dead?

i closed the scissors and i threw them into some corner where couldnt reach them

i locked myself in my room and i cried.

the rest of that year was just a roller coaster everywhere

and for a while i was still incredibly suicidal.

(and damn was i creative! just a few pills slowly one at a time would do it. hanging. drowning. jumping into oncoming traffic. stabbing myself with a kitchen knife... you name it, it definitely crossed my mind)

but i think i hid it pretty well.

(at least i think i did...who knows?)

and i never went through with it

(obviously)

i was bitter though.

i was angry.

i was hurting.

i may not have physically succeeded at killing myself but mentally and emotionally i was hella determined

Now that its been so long i can hardly imagine who i was anymore.

I want to burn that person out of my mind and heart and forget that girl ever existed

but now i know i cant do that

the truth is. at that time i was that girl.

as much as i hate to admit it i have to accept that.

it was a point in my life that was a necessary evil.

if it werent for that moment i wouldnt appreciate my life as much as i do now

i wouldnt know how to love myself.

how to accept myself.

and so here i am

I accept my past in order to receive my future.

I am sorry to everyone i have ever hurt

but most importantly

I am sorry to myself.

I know that i dont deserve to be her anymore.

and so with that i am now able to move forward.

forever.

No one really knows how hard cleaning can be...

I just finished cleaning my room in time for the new year

It took a while and a lot of throwing things away and trying to fix things that were broken.

But I did it !

Overall I think that 2009

was probably one of the BEST years of my life

[ if not the best ]

Here's Why [in no specific order]:

1. I graduated High school

--> okay yeah that part was tough and super scary (see all the posts i've written this year) but its nice to be able to say "back when I was in high school" or "this person I graduated with..."

2. I turned 18

-->actually this can go either way. I'm happy that I've finally overcome this major part of my life where I am now technically an adult, but everynow and then I wish I could fall back on the whole "No don't expect wayy too much just yet...I'm still a kid" excuse. but now that I really think about it, thats all that it was...an excuse. I should have took it as "Wow! I didn't expect that much yet...she's just a kid" but it happens

3. I finally quit my job

--> After four wonderful/stressful/hilarious/crazy years, I finally quit my job at the Q. Another thing that can go either way. I know I've been whining about how I dont know what to do anymore that I'm no longer there, to be honest, I was afraid. I don't know anything (job-wise) other than that. I dont know what other places will expect of me or whether other places will want me. But I am glad that I'm outta there. I'm not gonna lie. sometimes, i miss it. Oh the stories I could tell about my experiences there. haha. I miss the friends I've made and the people I've met. But I'm changing again. I can feel it.

4. I patched things up (for the most part) with my father

--> okay so there are things that we still need to work on I'm sure but at least now we're talking. thats a start right? and I'm not afraid to be who I truly am around him anymore. I was always scared of being myself with him. I think its because I thought he wouldnt like who "myself" was. now that im older i know better. and quite frankly, he needs to know that im not the silly little naive 2yearold he left.

5. I'm in college

--> and trying to make something of myself. trying to figure out who I am and what I want from my life. It's so hard to figure out. and just when i think i have, i realize i still dont.

6. I'm in love.

--> and I'm not afraid of it anymore. This time i know I've got it right. I'm in love with a man who treats me right and who loves me too. Its not an image of who I think he is or who I want him to be. I'm in love with everything that he is and everything I know he can be. Real. Love. and its the most amazing feeling in the world. Granted it is scary at times. To love is to know yourself as well as the object of your affection. To love is to know how to give and also how to receive. I've always known how to give love, but not how to claim it for my own. Not how to demand respect from the people I love. I know that now, and thats what makes everything so good.

There are so many things I can be thankful for this year. So many things I can look back at in 50 years and be proud of. Granted I have lost people and things I care about and love through the year, but I also found so much more.

I'm learning what life should be like and how I want it to be like. I dont want to settle for anything less than what I know I deserve.

I'm learning more about myself with everyday that I didnt know before. Things that I like, things that I love, things that I dont like, things I'm proud of, things I'm not so proud of and a few things i just cant stand and sometimes it just feels like i'm going crazy or that I've been crazy, but just too crazy to figure it out yet.

(did that make any sense at all?)

And because I feel crazy I get scared and I start to feel myself try to isolate again. Like I'm afraid that if I allow myself to be the person I think I am, that it wont be enough for the people around me or it may even be too much. So I pick fights or I test people's limits or I get afraid of ruining everything I've worked so hard to build these past three years (almost four now) and I try to push people away.

Each and every time though, I am amazed at how much people push back. how much people make me see that I dont deserve to be alone. I dont deserve to scrutinize myself the way I do.

Is it natural to feel the way I do?

I guess it is.

I realize now that the person I was back in highschool isnt the person I am at all. I put up a front. I made myself weird and loud and obnoxious and apparently CRAZY because I felt, well if these people can accept me at my worst, at my weirdest and my stupidest, well they can love me at my best right?

but see I got it all wrong. and that's why i kept feeling lost and alone.

Because the more i did that, the more they loved who they thought i was.

I dont need to be that way

I have people who love me for everything I am now and everything I am not.

I dont know how else to say that I'm so glad I am alive.

I can imagine what I want for myself but first I must be honest with myself and with everyone else...

I have to explain what happened almost four years ago.

not just to you

but to me.

I have to come to terms with it on my own level and finally let it go.

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end...

I know who I'd want to take me home...

so once again,

we reach my favorite point in time.

the day that one year ends and another begins

did i ever mention this is my favorite holiday?

i'm not exactly sure why.

actually no. i am.

1) its a new beginning. a way to take what you loved about the year that just passed and make it better and a way to start fresh from all the BS.

2) New Year's to me always seemed like the best part of the year. the part where my family gathered for complete and utter hilarity. we've always had it at my uncle's house and its pretty much tradition. everyone in my mom's side of the family shows up. we play games. set up raffles and lotteries and sometimes get the kids to host a mini show. This year its at my grandma's house. which is kinda weird considering it hasnt been in her house since everyone moved out but i dont mind.

im just glad we're all gonna be together.

...

totally just got distracted for a good half hour...

and i forgot everything i wanted to write :[

lol i'll pick up where i left off in the morning :p

As I lay me down to sleep...

So as always, i start off by saying how much i've been meaning to write...
i think that maybe i'm starting to sound like a broken record.

About a week ago i found myself yet again at a crossroad.
I felt lost.
Sometimes I still have a slight fleeting moment when I still do.

but at the same time.
I have this overwhelming sense of gratitude and luck.

Im not quite sure why i felt this way.
i think that maybe its a culmination of several things...

1) my first semester of freshman year has just ending
2) it's my first time in a long time where i dont have a job during the holiday season

i think that for the most part i felt lost because i didnt know what to do with myself.
during most if not all of my HS life i always had something to do.
ESPECIALLY during this time.
whether it was theater or work or clubs or hanging out at the library or even swimming for a short period of time.
i always had something to do.
now...
idk what to do.
I dont want to go back to the apartment because i dont want to be lazy and sleep
but on the other hand idk where to go.
so lately, well, before the break, i would go to BN and relax, maybe study.

i also havent been able to spend much.
its the first time in 4years that i havent had a job during the holiday season.
its weird
and i keep forgetting that i dont have money. :[

but its fine.
my mom found a way to remind me who i am
she's good for that and i owe her so much for it.
she never fails to bring me back.
she never fails to save me from myself.

like i said earlier though,
at the same time,
im so lucky to find that everything is falling slowly but surely into place.

first and foremost, as i have alluded to before
i am completely in love
and i think this time, i got it right :]
at first i was worried for a bit that i would lose myself again.
that i would forget myself and who i am and what i value
and to be honest...
sometimes i do.
but then i remember.
and i am able to ground myself.
and i find that this time....
its so different.
and so much better.
and for the first time...
im not the only one.
:]

i think that in retrospect this is really and truly my first love.
before, i was more eager to just feel soo...
connected.
for a while i was lonely.
i didnt know what i felt like i was missing but i knew i was missing something
and then i realized it was love
i was missing out on love
so i searched high and low and i found someone i thought could fill that void.
and to be honest...
it wasnt his fault
it was mine.
i wanted to fill a void that no one else could fill because it was a void i had to fill myself

i needed to learn to love myself
for everything i am
all my perfections and my imperfections.

so when it fell through,
i was disappointed and upset.
but i took that time to build
i took it to grow
and i found that i was ready again
and to make it count

and now that wish has come true.

above all my family life is tighter
my home is closer
and my relationship with my father is slightly steadier.
there are of course some things i need to change
but all in due time

for now..
im grateful.
im satisfied
and i am content with my life.
and you know what?

it doesnt scare me as much as it used to.
this will not fall through.
i know it wont.
because i know that this is in my hands
and that i am too happy to break it.


so yeah, i worry sometimes because i am human

but for now?
i know that this will be a wonderful holiday season and a happy new year.


so i will stop this long half asleep rant...
(which was semi inspired by a new "follower" to my blog.)
as always i know i will sleep better,
knowing that my words have flowed through.

GoodnightLove.

know what the best part about this weekend was...?

im no longer 1.

its not just gonna be 50-50

but it'll never be 25-75

or 99-1 again.

because this time when i say one.

it wont mean that im alone.

it'll mean that i'm whole.

thankyouforthat.

confused? read this

rawrgrrargh.

lkj;onarfne;nfciohfioaafa

I am soooo mad right now.

okay so this week was supposed to be the BEST WEEK EVERRR

leading up to THE BEST BIRTHDAY EVERRR

buttttttttt...now it just sucks.

my plans for this week were:

mon &tues: normal class days

wed: Here's to Life playing at my school

thurs: co-hosting our school radio show with my friend

fri: going to a concert with my boyfriend

sat: epic birthday party

sun: my birthday/day with my boyfriend.

but last sunday as i was driving home from my parents house i stpped at a red light. the driver of the Dodge Ram 1500 behind me, did not. He ended up rearending my vehicle. :[

(poor Snowflake)

luckily i had my seatbelt on and i had no major injuries (like broken bones or whatever)

but the impact of the hit flung me forward and back suddenly. I had a huge headache and i was dizzy immediately.

i got out of my car and so did he, we looked at the damage.

being that this was my first accident i had no idea what to do, so i didnt call the cops (my mistake)

but neither did he. so we decided to move our cars to a nearby gas station

he got out and looked at the damage and said "oh its nothing okay i go home"

i didnt know what to do but i knew enough that he shouldnt leave. so i made him wait for my godmother to get there, as soon as she did, he left.

we drove home and my headache just got worse and worse. i called my parents then the police.

i went to police station and then the hospital from 930pm-3am

long story short,

Im in a lot of pain.

A LOT.

I have really bad whiplash and i had a minor concussion.

my brain feels like mush and everything is aching.

even my face.

(of all places!?)

anyway back to the point.

i spent all of monday trying to rest up

tuesday running around to a doctor

wednesday i spent all morning in the municipality running back and forth from police to judges to cranky ladies. and then later on when it was time for the show...no one showed up. other than the bands :[

i felt horrible. like incredibly bad that they basically played a band showcase for each other. my plan was to just talk it up all week while i was in school but i wasnt in school mon-wed. :[

above all my body ached and my head felt like it was going to explode.

today (thursday) was my first day back in classes and for some stupid reason i had some sort of quiz/exam/writing prompt in EVERY CLASS.

i wanted to just die on the spot.

sooo i ended up not being able to do the radio show. which pissed me off because i was really looking forward to it. but at least i got to sleep.

tomorrow night was the concert. I was totally excited to see Hit the Lights again and to just party it uppp, but...i cant. After last night I realized that my parents were right, my body cant take it.

:[

sooo yeah... so much for that.

i guess in a way its probably just a sign for me to not overflow my week with so much to do. but at the same time how can i not want to!?

i've been planning this for months, trying to make it the best birthday week everr

especially since im finally turning 18.

I cant do anything i wanted to. but at least we still have the party saturday night and i get to spend the day with my boyfriend on my birthday.

im just frustrated.

frustrated that because some guy wasnt paying attention for 5seconds my entire week is shot.

and granted it could be so much worse

(and im really thankful that it isnt)

but everything hurts

and all week i find that i just get irritable.

for no reason

and i feel like i want to cry and i cant control it.

maybe its because i got all shaken up (physically)

and im still getting over the minor brain injury

but it sucks.

today i had a calc quiz

and the problem was decent. something i couldve finished with time to spare

but as i started to do the problem, my head began to throb and i found that i couldnt focus on the numbers or the equation.

(just thinking about it makes my head hurt :[ )

and in the middle of it i felt like bursting into tears and i couldnt explain it.

it frustrates me sooo much.

and im soooo mad right now.

everything hurts.

everything.

Because you left the frays from the ties you severed...

When you said

Bestfriends means friends forever

[[ Seventy times Seven by Brand New]]

To whom it fucking concerns:

I wish you had the decency to deal with me yourself. I wish you understood how much pain you've caused us all. I wish you knew that because of all this bullshit that you've started, there is so much tension everywhere. Does that make you happy? Does it make you feel like a big fucking adult? Does it make you feel as though you've won?

How does it feel to hide behind mommy? How does it feel to know that you can twist words into daggers? God, I wish I had the insight to see all of this beforehand. I wish I never stood up for you. I wish I didn't care so goddamn much. I wish that this didn't come as such a shock. The worst part is that I felt it when I met you, but I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt. Like all the others, you claimed to be different. You claimed to have changed.

You know what is wrong. You know what the real problem is. You know where fault lies and whom it lies with.

Do you know the worst part? That I can't even be angry with you. That as much as I hate to admit it, I completely understand. But you know that don't you? I bet you do. Of course you do. You're my sister. Yeah, that's right. Oh and by the way, who said it first? Not me. No, no sweetie. So is this what sisters do to each other? Wow, I must have missed out on a lot.

My God. What happened? You talked to me, you told me everything, and I told you that no matter what I would always understand. No matter what you decided to do. Are you holding me to that now? I kept all my promises and all your secrets, and I would never say anything about that. Is that why you told me?

Read the statement. Read the FUCKING STATEMENT. Read it and you would understand that I never intended to hurt you. Read it and you'll see that I only defended you. Read it and you'll see that all I did was talk about how much I care for you. For all of you. Read it and you'll know. Read it and you wouldn't be so angry. Maybe you did read it. Maybe you did read it and you saw what I said and you realized what really happened. Maybe you saw that everything you knew was just manipulation. Maybe that's why you're angry. Because you know what is really going on and you don't want to admit it. But in fact you have no right to be angry with me or my family. You have no right to talk about my relationship with my stepfather. You have no right to speak that way to my mother. You have no right to bring up my father.

What the fuck!? Did I bitch when you started calling my mother Momma? No. Fuck, I even asked you about it. I told you I wouldn't call him that if it made you uncomfortable. And what did you say? You said it was fine because it would make us sisters anyway.

So now what?

Are you going to hate us for the rest of your life? That's just great. Because it takes more effort, more emotion, more stress, more cowardice to hate. But to trust? To love? Yeah its hard, and it can hurt, but the rewards are so much more.

Hatred will get you nowhere. You have to know that you will never be able to figure out who you are if you continue to allow people to manipulate you this way. I know you understand this, you're not stupid. I hope that someday you do what you promised. I hope someday you break the cycle. I hope someday you realize what it is you're doing. You could have saved those two little girls more by showing them what it really means to be true to yourself.

Open your eyes! Please. Before you do something you will regret.

Is this what you want for your children? Is this the kind of life you want to live? I know it isn't, so do something about it.

But at the same time... I miss having you here. I miss talking to you. I miss that you were always just five feet away. I miss our stupid jokes. I miss our stupid midnight talks. I miss you. I love you. I will always love you. I will always be here when you realize it. But for right now, I'm hurt. Does that make me an idiot? I guess so. Whatever. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of hurting. I'm just plain tired.

Things have been getting kinda heavy these days, trying to figure out which road to take...

There's many decisions to be made

And the only time I feel okay

Is when I'm in your arms...

[ "From the Second I Wake Up" -Valencia]

Once again it has been way too long since my last post.

There is so much I want to say,

but at the same time i dont even know where to begin.

[ Ha ! what else is new? ]

Hmmm.

Where do i begin...

to tell the story of how great a love can be...

uhm... yeahh.

lol.

had a slight moment there

Well,

For starters...

its already Midterm

which is crazyyy

Last day of the semester

is Dec. 17th :)

and we dont go back until Jan 23rd? or something like that.

which is great !

Im finally getting used to things here in the city

The only downside is i hate that every weekend i go home

and every weekend i come back.

meaning that.

i hate having to only be home on the weekends

most of all i hate leaving.

but at the same time its also a relief to have a place for me.

hmm. what else?

I finally spoke to my father last week

and we pretty much

[ after a lot of tears and arguing ]

patched things up.

and we're now working on "open conversations"

so far.

so good.

and there seems to be oneee morreee thinggg ;)

hmmm.

so there's this guy right...

and he's kinda wonderful.

in a silly sort of way.

hahaha.

we've been together for a month and a half

[ 90309 ]

and i feel really awkward saying all of this

why?

idk. maybe because i usually keep these things to myself

but i dont want to right now.

the truth is.

im really happy

and he makes me really happy too.

so i guess thats all that matters right now :)

all in all

my little frozen lake is still holding strong.

and from time to time i fear that it may crack.

but like i said in the last post...

he says something...

and i know everything will be alright.

and so far

everything has been.

so lets take this all

one day at a time :)

We worked too hard to leave without a fight...

Go ahead and tell everyone you know

we stole the show.

so i havent blogged in like a month >.<

bad bad.

and its been such an eventful month tooo !

I moved out and started classes last week

and its been amazing.

i love this city.

i love my school.

my classes are pretty decent.

my teachers are awesome :)

i totally lucked out :)

and above all.

i have never been sooo happy.

:) :) :)

I still miss my home every now and then

I miss my family and my friends.

but i love this new start.

it feels natural

and i feel stupid for ever fearing it.

I forgot how much i love the city life.

to be in a town that never sleeps,

to feel the buildings breathe in the daily routine.

this is home.

its everything ive ever asked for.

im so blessed.

everything is slowly falling into place

and for a moment

i get really anxious.

everything is too perfect

when things fall into place

something will surely fall apart

but then something happens

someone says something.

and i realize

this isnt going to fall apart

my perfect frozen lake will not crack under the weight of time

and when it melts

it would be the perfect place to reflect the sunrise.

if this is how it all starts

then i cant wait to see what comes next.