&&on the cold wet dirt i cried

im going absolutely insane!
okay so remember how my iPod mini was stolen?

its been driving me crazy
cuz i really really loved that thing
i mean it was a birthday present to me from my uncle
on my 13th birthday
and it meant soo much to me

and so i spent all evening trying to find all the money i have stashed away
i found $200 cash (195=dollars 5=change)

and i need the $15 tax

and i cant stand it
cuz if you dont know this about me then you dont know me at all

1. i HATE asking people for anything
2. i HATE EVEN MORE asking for money
3. i know how hard you have to work to get what you want and i hate to just ask for it

i hate that i asked my mom to help me buy it
and it drives me crazy that i made this stupid deal to clean the whole house for it
not because i have to clean but because now shes gonna think that whatever i do i have an underlying motive for doing it
and i dont want that

i feel terrible enough as it is

plus on the selfish side

i hate that her boyfriend's sleeping over.
i mean i know that nothing happens and i know hes a great person
but my God it drives me crazy because i want to spend time with her like we used to
but i dont wanna get in the way
and i dont wanna hurt her
and i dont want her to feel like she has to choose between me and him
she doesnt
but i still feel awful

and tomorrow's her birthday
and i didnt get her anything
and i know that i threw her that party
but i still feel so ashamed to ask her for anything especially the $15
but im going crazy

i dont wanna tell her any of this
especially not in front of Vincent
and i hate that they make fun of how much i need this money
and how much i love the music that i do
[being fall out boy]
and i hate how they tease me all the time for it

but think about it
if i made fun of everything they stood for
id be
inconsiderate
disrespectful
ungrateful
ignorant
and many other big words that i hate


im being selfish
uggghh i really cant stand him being here now
i swear it drives me up a wall

bahhh
way to slam my door mom
and yours

asdfghjkl;'
qwertyuiop[\
zxcvbnm,./

i just went off on one of my good friends that ive known for like ever
and i feel terrible
i just sorta
pissed off at him
=(
sorry georgeyporgey<3

ahhhhh
im such a fucking bitch!
i really do feel terrible
and my mom is telling me to sleep
but i cant sleep now
not when i feel this bad

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

garb!
blurrrslnaifgen
aoiheabg
and whyyy are you online
and whyyy all of a sudden you wanna be friends
and whyyy now
why why why why why

what the hell is the matter with the fucking people in this world
i mean i know im not great
and i know im not perfect either
but sometimes
people just piss me the fuck off

askehaoignea
whats also bugging me is that i know at some point you'd probably read this
[or maybe not w/e]
then id have something else
to feel absolutely horrible about

i cant win can i
bah!


and i have finals tomorrow
my bio exam
whoopee
i have no idea what im gonna do for that
im not at all ready
and its just another reason for miss bill to bitch
but at least after tomorrow i wont ever have to see her or hear her again

wow thats harsh

at least its raining
really hard
and that makes me somewhat happy
happier than ive been

i should really go to sleep now
i dont want to
but i should
or im gonna
majorly regret it tomorrow

goodnightblueskiesandworldsofgrey
goodnighttothememoriesthatwontfadeaway
goodnighttothemoonandforwishingonstars
goodnightandiloveyou
fromthebottomofmyhallowhardenedheart

[wow i should make that a song]