So what exactly happened?

Almost four years ago,

I was incredibly depressed.

I didnt know who I was and I felt that I was expected to be perfect from everyone around me.

In retrospect I think its safe to say that I felt like a failure

as a student

as a sister

as a daughter

as a role model to my cousins

as a person in general

I didnt feel like I deserved love from anyone else

especially not myself

I hated myself.

hated every little part about me

I was stressed out and overreacting to everything that was happening in my life

and so, I began to push people away.

(something i got incredibly good at and am now trying to unlearn)

I figured that I was saving them from the trouble of knowing the trainwreck I was becoming.

My grades were horrible

and so the more i felt like a failure

I didnt want to go to school.

I didnt want to deal with people

I just wanted to be alone

I slept all the time.

I did nothing with my life

and so the more i felt worse.

it just kept snowballing and all of a sudden

a tiny snowflake turned into an avalanche of apparent failure.

And so...

on March 10th 2006

I decided that I wanted to end it.

for good.

I wanted to die.

I couldnt stand myself so much that I thought the best way to deal with my hatred for myself was to remove myself.

smart logic i guess.

you have a toothache? take out the tooth

you've got a tumor? remove the tumor

leg aint workin? chop it off

I sat at the desk in my loft crying. Scared. Hurt. Stupid.

Just wanting it all to go away.

I took the closest and sharpest object (a pair of foldable sewing scissors)

and pulled back my sleeves

( Down the road not across the street kiddies. )

I slowly opened the scissors

( they were so cold. )

and pressed it against my left wrist

right at the base of my veins.

I was ready.

So what stopped me?

Ironically enough.

It was a dark day.

completely overcast. skies grey

no sun for miles

but the second i picked up those scissors

the second i accepted what i was about to do

the sun came out

it shown through the window and onto the silver sewing shears

the light brought me back

and i remembered everything

i thought of my family and my friends

most of all i thought of my brother

Julius

I owe him my life.

(him and a few others throughout the rest of the year too)

when he was born I swore i would protect him

what good would i be if i were dead?

i closed the scissors and i threw them into some corner where couldnt reach them

i locked myself in my room and i cried.

the rest of that year was just a roller coaster everywhere

and for a while i was still incredibly suicidal.

(and damn was i creative! just a few pills slowly one at a time would do it. hanging. drowning. jumping into oncoming traffic. stabbing myself with a kitchen knife... you name it, it definitely crossed my mind)

but i think i hid it pretty well.

(at least i think i did...who knows?)

and i never went through with it

(obviously)

i was bitter though.

i was angry.

i was hurting.

i may not have physically succeeded at killing myself but mentally and emotionally i was hella determined

Now that its been so long i can hardly imagine who i was anymore.

I want to burn that person out of my mind and heart and forget that girl ever existed

but now i know i cant do that

the truth is. at that time i was that girl.

as much as i hate to admit it i have to accept that.

it was a point in my life that was a necessary evil.

if it werent for that moment i wouldnt appreciate my life as much as i do now

i wouldnt know how to love myself.

how to accept myself.

and so here i am

I accept my past in order to receive my future.

I am sorry to everyone i have ever hurt

but most importantly

I am sorry to myself.

I know that i dont deserve to be her anymore.

and so with that i am now able to move forward.

forever.

No one really knows how hard cleaning can be...

I just finished cleaning my room in time for the new year

It took a while and a lot of throwing things away and trying to fix things that were broken.

But I did it !

Overall I think that 2009

was probably one of the BEST years of my life

[ if not the best ]

Here's Why [in no specific order]:

1. I graduated High school

--> okay yeah that part was tough and super scary (see all the posts i've written this year) but its nice to be able to say "back when I was in high school" or "this person I graduated with..."

2. I turned 18

-->actually this can go either way. I'm happy that I've finally overcome this major part of my life where I am now technically an adult, but everynow and then I wish I could fall back on the whole "No don't expect wayy too much just yet...I'm still a kid" excuse. but now that I really think about it, thats all that it was...an excuse. I should have took it as "Wow! I didn't expect that much yet...she's just a kid" but it happens

3. I finally quit my job

--> After four wonderful/stressful/hilarious/crazy years, I finally quit my job at the Q. Another thing that can go either way. I know I've been whining about how I dont know what to do anymore that I'm no longer there, to be honest, I was afraid. I don't know anything (job-wise) other than that. I dont know what other places will expect of me or whether other places will want me. But I am glad that I'm outta there. I'm not gonna lie. sometimes, i miss it. Oh the stories I could tell about my experiences there. haha. I miss the friends I've made and the people I've met. But I'm changing again. I can feel it.

4. I patched things up (for the most part) with my father

--> okay so there are things that we still need to work on I'm sure but at least now we're talking. thats a start right? and I'm not afraid to be who I truly am around him anymore. I was always scared of being myself with him. I think its because I thought he wouldnt like who "myself" was. now that im older i know better. and quite frankly, he needs to know that im not the silly little naive 2yearold he left.

5. I'm in college

--> and trying to make something of myself. trying to figure out who I am and what I want from my life. It's so hard to figure out. and just when i think i have, i realize i still dont.

6. I'm in love.

--> and I'm not afraid of it anymore. This time i know I've got it right. I'm in love with a man who treats me right and who loves me too. Its not an image of who I think he is or who I want him to be. I'm in love with everything that he is and everything I know he can be. Real. Love. and its the most amazing feeling in the world. Granted it is scary at times. To love is to know yourself as well as the object of your affection. To love is to know how to give and also how to receive. I've always known how to give love, but not how to claim it for my own. Not how to demand respect from the people I love. I know that now, and thats what makes everything so good.

There are so many things I can be thankful for this year. So many things I can look back at in 50 years and be proud of. Granted I have lost people and things I care about and love through the year, but I also found so much more.

I'm learning what life should be like and how I want it to be like. I dont want to settle for anything less than what I know I deserve.

I'm learning more about myself with everyday that I didnt know before. Things that I like, things that I love, things that I dont like, things I'm proud of, things I'm not so proud of and a few things i just cant stand and sometimes it just feels like i'm going crazy or that I've been crazy, but just too crazy to figure it out yet.

(did that make any sense at all?)

And because I feel crazy I get scared and I start to feel myself try to isolate again. Like I'm afraid that if I allow myself to be the person I think I am, that it wont be enough for the people around me or it may even be too much. So I pick fights or I test people's limits or I get afraid of ruining everything I've worked so hard to build these past three years (almost four now) and I try to push people away.

Each and every time though, I am amazed at how much people push back. how much people make me see that I dont deserve to be alone. I dont deserve to scrutinize myself the way I do.

Is it natural to feel the way I do?

I guess it is.

I realize now that the person I was back in highschool isnt the person I am at all. I put up a front. I made myself weird and loud and obnoxious and apparently CRAZY because I felt, well if these people can accept me at my worst, at my weirdest and my stupidest, well they can love me at my best right?

but see I got it all wrong. and that's why i kept feeling lost and alone.

Because the more i did that, the more they loved who they thought i was.

I dont need to be that way

I have people who love me for everything I am now and everything I am not.

I dont know how else to say that I'm so glad I am alive.

I can imagine what I want for myself but first I must be honest with myself and with everyone else...

I have to explain what happened almost four years ago.

not just to you

but to me.

I have to come to terms with it on my own level and finally let it go.

Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end...

I know who I'd want to take me home...

so once again,

we reach my favorite point in time.

the day that one year ends and another begins

did i ever mention this is my favorite holiday?

i'm not exactly sure why.

actually no. i am.

1) its a new beginning. a way to take what you loved about the year that just passed and make it better and a way to start fresh from all the BS.

2) New Year's to me always seemed like the best part of the year. the part where my family gathered for complete and utter hilarity. we've always had it at my uncle's house and its pretty much tradition. everyone in my mom's side of the family shows up. we play games. set up raffles and lotteries and sometimes get the kids to host a mini show. This year its at my grandma's house. which is kinda weird considering it hasnt been in her house since everyone moved out but i dont mind.

im just glad we're all gonna be together.

...

totally just got distracted for a good half hour...

and i forgot everything i wanted to write :[

lol i'll pick up where i left off in the morning :p

As I lay me down to sleep...

So as always, i start off by saying how much i've been meaning to write...
i think that maybe i'm starting to sound like a broken record.

About a week ago i found myself yet again at a crossroad.
I felt lost.
Sometimes I still have a slight fleeting moment when I still do.

but at the same time.
I have this overwhelming sense of gratitude and luck.

Im not quite sure why i felt this way.
i think that maybe its a culmination of several things...

1) my first semester of freshman year has just ending
2) it's my first time in a long time where i dont have a job during the holiday season

i think that for the most part i felt lost because i didnt know what to do with myself.
during most if not all of my HS life i always had something to do.
ESPECIALLY during this time.
whether it was theater or work or clubs or hanging out at the library or even swimming for a short period of time.
i always had something to do.
now...
idk what to do.
I dont want to go back to the apartment because i dont want to be lazy and sleep
but on the other hand idk where to go.
so lately, well, before the break, i would go to BN and relax, maybe study.

i also havent been able to spend much.
its the first time in 4years that i havent had a job during the holiday season.
its weird
and i keep forgetting that i dont have money. :[

but its fine.
my mom found a way to remind me who i am
she's good for that and i owe her so much for it.
she never fails to bring me back.
she never fails to save me from myself.

like i said earlier though,
at the same time,
im so lucky to find that everything is falling slowly but surely into place.

first and foremost, as i have alluded to before
i am completely in love
and i think this time, i got it right :]
at first i was worried for a bit that i would lose myself again.
that i would forget myself and who i am and what i value
and to be honest...
sometimes i do.
but then i remember.
and i am able to ground myself.
and i find that this time....
its so different.
and so much better.
and for the first time...
im not the only one.
:]

i think that in retrospect this is really and truly my first love.
before, i was more eager to just feel soo...
connected.
for a while i was lonely.
i didnt know what i felt like i was missing but i knew i was missing something
and then i realized it was love
i was missing out on love
so i searched high and low and i found someone i thought could fill that void.
and to be honest...
it wasnt his fault
it was mine.
i wanted to fill a void that no one else could fill because it was a void i had to fill myself

i needed to learn to love myself
for everything i am
all my perfections and my imperfections.

so when it fell through,
i was disappointed and upset.
but i took that time to build
i took it to grow
and i found that i was ready again
and to make it count

and now that wish has come true.

above all my family life is tighter
my home is closer
and my relationship with my father is slightly steadier.
there are of course some things i need to change
but all in due time

for now..
im grateful.
im satisfied
and i am content with my life.
and you know what?

it doesnt scare me as much as it used to.
this will not fall through.
i know it wont.
because i know that this is in my hands
and that i am too happy to break it.


so yeah, i worry sometimes because i am human

but for now?
i know that this will be a wonderful holiday season and a happy new year.


so i will stop this long half asleep rant...
(which was semi inspired by a new "follower" to my blog.)
as always i know i will sleep better,
knowing that my words have flowed through.

GoodnightLove.

know what the best part about this weekend was...?

im no longer 1.

its not just gonna be 50-50

but it'll never be 25-75

or 99-1 again.

because this time when i say one.

it wont mean that im alone.

it'll mean that i'm whole.

thankyouforthat.

confused? read this

rawrgrrargh.

lkj;onarfne;nfciohfioaafa

I am soooo mad right now.

okay so this week was supposed to be the BEST WEEK EVERRR

leading up to THE BEST BIRTHDAY EVERRR

buttttttttt...now it just sucks.

my plans for this week were:

mon &tues: normal class days

wed: Here's to Life playing at my school

thurs: co-hosting our school radio show with my friend

fri: going to a concert with my boyfriend

sat: epic birthday party

sun: my birthday/day with my boyfriend.

but last sunday as i was driving home from my parents house i stpped at a red light. the driver of the Dodge Ram 1500 behind me, did not. He ended up rearending my vehicle. :[

(poor Snowflake)

luckily i had my seatbelt on and i had no major injuries (like broken bones or whatever)

but the impact of the hit flung me forward and back suddenly. I had a huge headache and i was dizzy immediately.

i got out of my car and so did he, we looked at the damage.

being that this was my first accident i had no idea what to do, so i didnt call the cops (my mistake)

but neither did he. so we decided to move our cars to a nearby gas station

he got out and looked at the damage and said "oh its nothing okay i go home"

i didnt know what to do but i knew enough that he shouldnt leave. so i made him wait for my godmother to get there, as soon as she did, he left.

we drove home and my headache just got worse and worse. i called my parents then the police.

i went to police station and then the hospital from 930pm-3am

long story short,

Im in a lot of pain.

A LOT.

I have really bad whiplash and i had a minor concussion.

my brain feels like mush and everything is aching.

even my face.

(of all places!?)

anyway back to the point.

i spent all of monday trying to rest up

tuesday running around to a doctor

wednesday i spent all morning in the municipality running back and forth from police to judges to cranky ladies. and then later on when it was time for the show...no one showed up. other than the bands :[

i felt horrible. like incredibly bad that they basically played a band showcase for each other. my plan was to just talk it up all week while i was in school but i wasnt in school mon-wed. :[

above all my body ached and my head felt like it was going to explode.

today (thursday) was my first day back in classes and for some stupid reason i had some sort of quiz/exam/writing prompt in EVERY CLASS.

i wanted to just die on the spot.

sooo i ended up not being able to do the radio show. which pissed me off because i was really looking forward to it. but at least i got to sleep.

tomorrow night was the concert. I was totally excited to see Hit the Lights again and to just party it uppp, but...i cant. After last night I realized that my parents were right, my body cant take it.

:[

sooo yeah... so much for that.

i guess in a way its probably just a sign for me to not overflow my week with so much to do. but at the same time how can i not want to!?

i've been planning this for months, trying to make it the best birthday week everr

especially since im finally turning 18.

I cant do anything i wanted to. but at least we still have the party saturday night and i get to spend the day with my boyfriend on my birthday.

im just frustrated.

frustrated that because some guy wasnt paying attention for 5seconds my entire week is shot.

and granted it could be so much worse

(and im really thankful that it isnt)

but everything hurts

and all week i find that i just get irritable.

for no reason

and i feel like i want to cry and i cant control it.

maybe its because i got all shaken up (physically)

and im still getting over the minor brain injury

but it sucks.

today i had a calc quiz

and the problem was decent. something i couldve finished with time to spare

but as i started to do the problem, my head began to throb and i found that i couldnt focus on the numbers or the equation.

(just thinking about it makes my head hurt :[ )

and in the middle of it i felt like bursting into tears and i couldnt explain it.

it frustrates me sooo much.

and im soooo mad right now.

everything hurts.

everything.

Because you left the frays from the ties you severed...

When you said

Bestfriends means friends forever

[[ Seventy times Seven by Brand New]]

To whom it fucking concerns:

I wish you had the decency to deal with me yourself. I wish you understood how much pain you've caused us all. I wish you knew that because of all this bullshit that you've started, there is so much tension everywhere. Does that make you happy? Does it make you feel like a big fucking adult? Does it make you feel as though you've won?

How does it feel to hide behind mommy? How does it feel to know that you can twist words into daggers? God, I wish I had the insight to see all of this beforehand. I wish I never stood up for you. I wish I didn't care so goddamn much. I wish that this didn't come as such a shock. The worst part is that I felt it when I met you, but I wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt. Like all the others, you claimed to be different. You claimed to have changed.

You know what is wrong. You know what the real problem is. You know where fault lies and whom it lies with.

Do you know the worst part? That I can't even be angry with you. That as much as I hate to admit it, I completely understand. But you know that don't you? I bet you do. Of course you do. You're my sister. Yeah, that's right. Oh and by the way, who said it first? Not me. No, no sweetie. So is this what sisters do to each other? Wow, I must have missed out on a lot.

My God. What happened? You talked to me, you told me everything, and I told you that no matter what I would always understand. No matter what you decided to do. Are you holding me to that now? I kept all my promises and all your secrets, and I would never say anything about that. Is that why you told me?

Read the statement. Read the FUCKING STATEMENT. Read it and you would understand that I never intended to hurt you. Read it and you'll see that I only defended you. Read it and you'll see that all I did was talk about how much I care for you. For all of you. Read it and you'll know. Read it and you wouldn't be so angry. Maybe you did read it. Maybe you did read it and you saw what I said and you realized what really happened. Maybe you saw that everything you knew was just manipulation. Maybe that's why you're angry. Because you know what is really going on and you don't want to admit it. But in fact you have no right to be angry with me or my family. You have no right to talk about my relationship with my stepfather. You have no right to speak that way to my mother. You have no right to bring up my father.

What the fuck!? Did I bitch when you started calling my mother Momma? No. Fuck, I even asked you about it. I told you I wouldn't call him that if it made you uncomfortable. And what did you say? You said it was fine because it would make us sisters anyway.

So now what?

Are you going to hate us for the rest of your life? That's just great. Because it takes more effort, more emotion, more stress, more cowardice to hate. But to trust? To love? Yeah its hard, and it can hurt, but the rewards are so much more.

Hatred will get you nowhere. You have to know that you will never be able to figure out who you are if you continue to allow people to manipulate you this way. I know you understand this, you're not stupid. I hope that someday you do what you promised. I hope someday you break the cycle. I hope someday you realize what it is you're doing. You could have saved those two little girls more by showing them what it really means to be true to yourself.

Open your eyes! Please. Before you do something you will regret.

Is this what you want for your children? Is this the kind of life you want to live? I know it isn't, so do something about it.

But at the same time... I miss having you here. I miss talking to you. I miss that you were always just five feet away. I miss our stupid jokes. I miss our stupid midnight talks. I miss you. I love you. I will always love you. I will always be here when you realize it. But for right now, I'm hurt. Does that make me an idiot? I guess so. Whatever. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of hurting. I'm just plain tired.

Things have been getting kinda heavy these days, trying to figure out which road to take...

There's many decisions to be made

And the only time I feel okay

Is when I'm in your arms...

[ "From the Second I Wake Up" -Valencia]

Once again it has been way too long since my last post.

There is so much I want to say,

but at the same time i dont even know where to begin.

[ Ha ! what else is new? ]

Hmmm.

Where do i begin...

to tell the story of how great a love can be...

uhm... yeahh.

lol.

had a slight moment there

Well,

For starters...

its already Midterm

which is crazyyy

Last day of the semester

is Dec. 17th :)

and we dont go back until Jan 23rd? or something like that.

which is great !

Im finally getting used to things here in the city

The only downside is i hate that every weekend i go home

and every weekend i come back.

meaning that.

i hate having to only be home on the weekends

most of all i hate leaving.

but at the same time its also a relief to have a place for me.

hmm. what else?

I finally spoke to my father last week

and we pretty much

[ after a lot of tears and arguing ]

patched things up.

and we're now working on "open conversations"

so far.

so good.

and there seems to be oneee morreee thinggg ;)

hmmm.

so there's this guy right...

and he's kinda wonderful.

in a silly sort of way.

hahaha.

we've been together for a month and a half

[ 90309 ]

and i feel really awkward saying all of this

why?

idk. maybe because i usually keep these things to myself

but i dont want to right now.

the truth is.

im really happy

and he makes me really happy too.

so i guess thats all that matters right now :)

all in all

my little frozen lake is still holding strong.

and from time to time i fear that it may crack.

but like i said in the last post...

he says something...

and i know everything will be alright.

and so far

everything has been.

so lets take this all

one day at a time :)

We worked too hard to leave without a fight...

Go ahead and tell everyone you know

we stole the show.

so i havent blogged in like a month >.<

bad bad.

and its been such an eventful month tooo !

I moved out and started classes last week

and its been amazing.

i love this city.

i love my school.

my classes are pretty decent.

my teachers are awesome :)

i totally lucked out :)

and above all.

i have never been sooo happy.

:) :) :)

I still miss my home every now and then

I miss my family and my friends.

but i love this new start.

it feels natural

and i feel stupid for ever fearing it.

I forgot how much i love the city life.

to be in a town that never sleeps,

to feel the buildings breathe in the daily routine.

this is home.

its everything ive ever asked for.

im so blessed.

everything is slowly falling into place

and for a moment

i get really anxious.

everything is too perfect

when things fall into place

something will surely fall apart

but then something happens

someone says something.

and i realize

this isnt going to fall apart

my perfect frozen lake will not crack under the weight of time

and when it melts

it would be the perfect place to reflect the sunrise.

if this is how it all starts

then i cant wait to see what comes next.

Sleeping Less and Dreaming More has never meant soo much.

I love how I slept for all of

ONE HOUR

just now.

literally.

I fell asleep at 5:15am

i woke up at 6:15am

i also have work allllllll dayyyyyyy today.

lol.

i havent stayed up like this in like years.

insomnia is clutching on to me for dear life tonight.

and i dont know why.

okay.

lie.

i do know why.

i know exactly why.

and ive been shaking all night.

i dont know what to do with myself.

ahhhhhhhh

lets just watch the sun finish rising...

Right now this town is for the taking...

Soooo much change is approaching

at rapid speeds.

And for once...

im not afraid.

i think that ive finally accepted everything.

and its such an amazing feeling.

i feel like life has been throwing me into a river

and all this time ive been trying to swim upstream

away from a cascade

but now im done fighting.

and i find that the drop in this waterfall isnt that far.

and that the river

flows into a vast and beautiful ocean.

I'm so excited for the new life ahead of me.

I quit my job and im thinking of work/study programs.

I move out in less than a month.

Im so excited !!

Im going to finally live in the city again.

I've missed it so much.

Dont get me wrong.

iloveithere

what can i say?

This city is contagious

but i miss being in the city.

i miss the chaos

i miss the sirens and the loud people

i miss the busy streets

I cant be in a suburb too long.

not yet.

suburbs are for starting families.

im not ready for that.

and i wont be for a while

cities?

they start lives.

they start things new.

I need that.

I love finding old stuff :)

So i found my mom's old journal when she was a sophomore in highschool.

we are so much alike. :p

in our thoughts and writing styles

i also found a poem i wrote my father that i thought i lost.

Mirrors

[[ 10.30.2006 ]]

He picked up his baby girl

looked her in the eyes

and said "Bebita remember

I am your mirror

and everything you are

so take all my good

and save me the bad

look at me as everything

you wouldnt want to be."

he rocked her in his arms

as his daughter fell asleep.

Years passed

and my how she grew!

into this woman standing in front of you

and she'll look at you and say

"Daddy I am your mirror

and you are mine

so take all the good

and throw the bad

because I am everything you are

and everything you can be."

Look around your world pretty baby, Is it everything you hoped it'd be?

Wrong guy.

Wrong situation.

Right time,

To roll to me.

[Roll to Me -Del Amitri]

this song makes me sooo happy

lol

ive been trying to figure out who sings it

for monthsss :p

:D

that and its such a goooddd soonnggg !!

i love that i have such a random interest in music :p

hmm. so i had a good day today :)

actually

ive had a great weekend too!

Grad party on sunday

went really well :]

soooo much funnn :p

and today i spent some time with my sister.

which i loved.

im glad i have her :)

but dont tell her that ;p

We both play with fire...

...but for some reason,

i seem to be the only one getting burned.

so what do i do?

do i keep the fire burning

in the hopes that it warms up to me

but run the risk of another 3rd degree?

or

do i let the fire die out

and find another place of warmth?

oh how ive drowned

will i ever reach the surface?

do i want to?

i treaded water.

i began to drown.

shall i swim to shore?

smokey the bear says:

only you can help prevent forest fires.

I've only got forever and forever's just fine...

[Vegas Skies- The Cab]

hmmm...

iloveTheCab.

im itchin to see them again...

too bad i have work on the day theyre in the area :/

maybe i can change that :]

hmmmmm....

so today

[well yesterday i guess now...]

has been...

ajdfikjewaoi;fgdnviosno;iawefnoi;djnio;aroi gd

haha.

its been icky.

i overthink things wayyy too much.

i should stop that.

but oh well.

its just part of my charmmm

ha ha.

you know whats funny?

i had a whole bunch of things to say...

and now.

i forgot them :[

no.

i lie.

i just dont wanna tell :x

not like anyone reads this anyway so i guess it wouldnt matter.

hmmm. my songs are great.

i just need to compose music for them >.<

hmmm...

ive never tried putting music to my songs

maybe i should start

im really tired right now.

but at the same time. im too antsy to sleep

im kinda anxious about sleeping right now

i have a feeling im gonna have some weird dreams

like yesterday when i wrote that one song?

i felt like i couldnt breathe.

and i couldnt figure out why

until later...

like i said before.

instincts are good to listen to.

so im avoiding sleep.

even though i really want it.

everytime you go to sleep at night, i wonder what you hide behind closed eyes. what else could you be keeping from me?[Save Your Breath-HTL]

Singing myself to sleep, you're still my favorite melody...

its been three weeks

how long can this go on?

singing myself to sleep,

you're haunting every memory

hmm...

funny how things work out huh?

i guess in a way i shouldve known

you would think i'd listen to my instincts

theyre usually right you know?

get out.

goodbye.

get out

of my life.

yeah well.

easier said than done.

im not one for giving up

but is this really worth it?

i never said i was the best thing for you.

i wrote two songs yesterday afternoon

and another today.

go figure.

sigh.

here we go again...

cuz im drowning

when i close my eyes

and im falling

i cant breathe tonight...

end of story.

i fade to black inside.

[[Zzzz -The Cab]]

I wanna run through the halls of my high school. I want to scream at the top of my lungs...

I just found out there's no such thing as the real world

Just a lie you've got to rise above...

It feels like today is a saturday.

I dont think my mind is allowing itself to comprehend that today is monday.

the monday after graduation.

and i am no longer going to high school.

I think im in denial.

Friday night.

everything passed by like in a dream

my main focus was:

dont get suffocated in the manwich.

dont cry.

dont trip

dont forget to shake with the right hand

and dont forget to take the diploma.

I didnt suffocate surrounded by all those guys.

[apparently girls dont really have last names starting with MA]

I really didnt cry like i thought i would.

Except for when they had a moment of silence for Kervin.

but ill get to that in a bit.

I didnt trip.

thank God

[but i did make up for it yesterday when i fell down a flight of stairs. now my foot hurts and im limping around my house like an idiot.]

I shook with the right and i took my diploma.

[and i managed to even do it rather gracefully.]

so i guess everything worked out alright.

Its so. surreal.

and Kervin.

oh my.

I wish he had been there.

I have never cried so hard before. i was sobbing all throughout that moment of silence

i think the two guys beside me thought i was going insane.

that night was beautiful too.

i was so worried it was going to rain.

thank God it didnt.

hmmm.

Im a High School Graduate?

I like how that sounds.

so where do I go from here?

how do i continue?

what should i do this summer?

hmmm.

road trip?

:]

Either way:

I just can't wait til my ten year reunion

I'm gonna bust down the double doors

And when i stand on these tables before you

You will know what an asylum's for...

Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end...

In a bit less than two days...

i will be a highschool graduate.

I honestly dont think its completely sunk in yet.

i got my cap and gown today and i tried it on.

it felt weird to be wearing something like that

like im used to wearing those kind of robes because of choir but...

>.<

this is insane.

i still remember 8th grade graduation.

i still remember 6th grade promotion.

its like ive passed through everything in a dream

Im so excited for whats to come.

but the anticipation is also what scares me.

Im going to cry so much.

I cannot imagine how its going to be

all i know is that it will be wonderful.

Ive written soo much too.

in people's yearbooks

ive never written this much before

but now im writing everything.

even for people i barely know.

its insane...

>.<

i cant believe it.

i wonder if everyone feels this way.

or is it just me?

i dont know.

i have a headache and im tired.

ill leave on this note though,

i wrote it in a friend's yearbook...

We have all the time in the world,

And its just starting now...

bahhh

I feel kinda sick lately >.<
but oh well.

Ive taken to spending more time with my family too.
I started taking piano lessons from my aunt again
for two reasons.
1. her grand piano is BEAUTIFUL and i love to play it. even if i mess up it sounds amazinggg :]
2. i miss her sometimes.

before my cousin was born my aunt and i used to hang out all the time.
she's my namesake :]
so im kinda using it as an excuse to chill at her house.

and as an excuse to get out of mine
its not that i dont want to be home or that anything is wrong
i just...
i cant stay in my house anymore.
it feels like im always home
and i like having reasons to drive around
[ yay snowflake ! ]

oh and i had this weird dream last night
about my father.
i dreamt i called him
or rather. he called me
and everything went well
but i was scared. because it sounded like something was wrong with him
i dont think thats the case. but im still kinda worried
ive been putting off calling him for a while now
i keep finding excuses not to.
i havent talked to him in months. >.<

blehhh.
my nose is runny
my ears are clogged
and my voice sounds like an old woman after a tracheotomy for smoking for 29012839213years
lol.
but i definitely feel better than i did the other day.
so im cool

akfjoiejdl
crystal springs yesterday was awesome!
lol
and we had a bbq at my house.
soooo much fun

i miss having family functions like that.
after everyone left my uncle and my parents and the rest of his family
we all went to the basement to show them the mini gym we have
and it was funny because he saw our old karate stuff
and i remembered when i was little and we all used to go together
i even got him to do some kicks like we used to
and our old forms and basics
:]
he was so happy and peaceful doing those things like we used to

i saw him light up
i like that.
and i miss it too.

If you were to die tomorrow...

what would be one thing you'd want to do?

that was a topic in speech class today :]
and i know exactly what i would want.

I would want to be able to tell everyone EXACTLY
what im thinking and feeling at the moment

to be completely honest.

i mean its not that im not honest enough already
i just want to know that ive said everything ive wanted to.

and I think that
i'm starting to open up to that

I've started this thing
on my facebook and twitter pages

100truths for 100days
everyday im going to post something ive never told anyone

Im already on day 3
its kinda weird i know
but w/e
most of them are being taken from my
This Is Me, I think?
post.
but i think starting tomorrow im going to start making new ones.
and then get the best from that post

im keeping the last 10 though :]

So many things to say, but oddly enough i have no idea how to even approach saying them...

Actually thats a lie.
its not odd at all.

Most of the time I have no idea what to say.
and the fact that im so quick witted most of the time surprises me
i dont even realize ive responded
let alone responded intelligently
until ive said it and processed what ive said.

today has been interesting to say the least.
just another crazy day at work.

i find that...

WOAH!
i just completely lost my train of thought
like entirely
i dont even know where i was going with that
or in what general vicinity i was directing my statement
>.<

crazyyyy


anyway...
so today was actually a pretty good day

[[ completely contradicting my previous statement i know ]]
i have the tendency to contradict myself all the time
i even contradict my contradictions

anywayyy...
lol.
uhm. yeah.
soo as i was saying
[typing?]
yes. so today was good.
with the minor exception of some creepy crazy hobo
who walked into our store today.
and proceeded to request that i be
"put on that sandwich" ?
which is kind of gross.

okay EXTREMELY gross
and veryyyy awkward.
he kept calling me honey
and sweetie and all kinds of things.
while i was wrapping his food and ringing him up
after a few more creepy glares and stuff i just couldnt take it anymore
so i told him not to call me honey

and he then proceeded to flip out.
telling me i was rude and angry
and he made this huge scene about it.
so...
i told him to get out.
and i threatened to call the cops
i almost did too.

he scared me.
im not quite sure why
i mean there is the obvious:
hes crazy

but i think i was more afraid as to what i would have done
had he not left.
meaning had he decided to do something drastic
like physically harrass me.
i guess?

which i guess brings me to my next thought:
what would i have done?
well i clearly would have not tolerated him attacking me
therefore i would attack back?
but then...
i dont know.

it goes down to
him or me?

so what does survival mean?
at the risk of someone elses?

i think thats what i was most afraid of.
after he left i couldnt stop shaking
i only stopped shaking about and hour or so ago
after drinking tea by the suggestion of a friend.

i find it ironic that i just started reading the Lord of the Flies
in english

because it directly ties to my aforementioned question.
which i never answered.

my biggest fear in that sense is to lose control in a state of heated emotion.
like fear or anger.
and hurt [and overall] kill someone.
the possiblility of the loss of emotional control kinda freaks me out in a way.
in that sense at least.

i mean i know ive said that if it were
me vs someone threatening me
i would overall choose selfdefense
but how much of that is really true?

i dont think i would.
well okay not that i wouldnt
but more that i couldnt.

i dont want to hurt anyone
and id feel guilty for it.
even though it would be in selfdefense.

does that make any sense at all?
i guess not.

i dont know.
all i know is

i hope he never comes back
ever.
but i see him walking by all the time
and he like waves at me through the window
and i pretend not to see.

i really do hope i never see him again.

Lately, I've had the strangest feeling...

wow. i havent thought of that song in a while
>.<
[[ Jodeci: Lately ]]

anyway...
know what else i havent done in a while?
blog.

Ive been slackin big time.
I think its because lately
ive been trying to keep busy

the busier i am the more i can keep my mind off of things

like the fact that graduation is in a month
and that i only have like 24days of Highschool left.
it feels so weird

its like you wait your entire life for the moment you graduate
and then you get here and...

im being redundant

anywaysss...
ive been very poetic lately.
i was sitting in the car yesterday and i came up with like
3 poems.

crazyyy.

im incredibly tired
and apparently very boring today.
since i was sooo ready to write something
and ive now forgotten what it was >.<
lolol.

so with that
i say

good night
good night
parting is such sweet sorrow...
but i shall say goodnight til it be morrow. :]

[[ Shakespeare FTW! ]]

Everything just seems to be falling into place...

Its amazing how the universe works.

Soo....
I'm pretty excited because
well...
as you can see I've gotten myself a twitter :p

http://twitter.com/cuethesun22

and I've been "following"
this great guy named Joseph McClendon III
he's kind of like a life coach
and i dont know how it got to be so
but we've been talking and
he's opened up some great opportunities for me :]

I know I'm being a bit vague, but I'm still in the process of finding out more
about this scholarship he's giving out.
either way Im really excited!!

if this works out.
I can go to California and a whole bunch of other things
COMPLETELY FREE!!! :D

its sooo great!


either way im sooo glad i got a twitter
because otherwise, i wouldnt have been able to talk to Joseph as much as i have lately
and i wouldnt have been able to find out about this

check it out if you want to see why im so excited:
http://changeyouruniverse.com/

We drove into a great sunset, and lived a life with no regrets.

As i was driving home today
I looked into my rearview mirror
and i saw the most beautiful sunset i have ever seen

and you know what it made me think of?

that line in my favorite song:
We woke before the sun could rise
We packed our bags and waved goodbye,
We drove into a great sunset
And lived a life with no regrets...
[["Dont Wait" by Hit the Lights]]

and what i realized then
is that i want to do that one day.
I want to wake up one morning.
and just drive
drive farrr
take an insane road trip across the country.

i want to find a highway
somewhere
thats just an open field that stretches out for miles
and speed off into the sunset :]

maybe someday i will do that.
i've always wanted to take a road trip.
i love driving.
and i love my car
[[Snowflake!]]

mostly because,
she's mine.
all mine.
lol.
i bought her. i paid for her.
i fixed her up.

and well...
there's something about that car.
that just calms me.
makes me feel safe.
sometimes when i get home from a long day at school or at work
i sit in my car and i turn off the engine.
i roll down my window and i listen to the radio
or i sit silently and listen to the stars.

and it feels good.
because for that one moment
im all to myself.
i have all the time in the world.
and i know that my neighbors must think im crazy
[[i sit in my car and lurk. i dance in the middle of the street. i sing in the middle of the street. i write i love you in the middle of the street when it snows. i howl at the full moon. i count the stars.]]
jeez. im surprised they havent had me sent to Arkham yet :]

but in those moments that
i dance and sing and howl and everything else.
i feel sooo
alive.
i feel like theres nothing else in this world that can keep me from moving
that i can take anything
even for that one minute
i can be anything.
i can handle anything.

you should try it one day.

heres how you do it:
1. you turn on your car radio to either
a) the most obnoxiously ghetto music
b) lite acoustic/acapella music
c) classical music
d) none or all of the above

2. you stand right in the middle of the street
[[only if you live in a quiet area though. please do not stand in the middle of like rt 1&9 or something. i do not wanna get sued]]

3. and you just
a) dance
b) sing along/hum along if there are no lyrics
c) flail about like an idiot
d) some combination of all of the above

it is the most exhilarating feeling in the world

if a neighbor comes by:
1) say hello [[dont be rude.]]
2) invite them to join you :]
3) tell them to have a wonderful day
3.5) mean it when you tell them to have a wonderful day
4) then calmly collect your dignity and proceed to flail about as if they arent there.

:]
trust me. its a whole lot of fun.

and promise to howl when you see a full moon
and to wish on at least one star
[[make sure its a star though. i've made a lot of wishes on airplanes.]]

and above all.
dont be afraid to live
dont be afraid to love
dont be afraid to get what you want
dont be afraid to command what you deserve
because chances are.
you were meant to have everything i just mentioned above
and a whole lot more.


iloveyou.
remember that.
somewhere.
out in this world
someone loves you.
more than you can imagine.
you just have to find them.

I am so happy :D

Today was...
so beautiful.

I woke up early
[[i seem to do that a lot on weekends.]]
and i went out with my mom for a bit.

and at around 5ish
i met up with Joanna and my little brother
:]

You have no idea how happy it made me
to see her.
to see my brother.
God, he has grown sooo much
and his Autism is a lot more controlled.
[[Maybe its the Gluten-free diet?]]
he speaks a lot more
and he's calmer.

I cannot believe he's going to be 8 this year.
but he was just so happy to see me!
he hugged me and held my hand
i guess what im trying to get to
is that he remembered me
and that i loved him

thats all he said
when i first saw him
"I love Amanda. I love my sister. Sister loves me...."
it made me want to cry.

He is such a blessing<333

and Joanna
i missed her a lot.
its kinda weird to see her.
i mean. since she and my father divorced.

how do you explain that to people
"Well, uh, she's my...well...my dad's...no. my brother...uhm half? brother. no i mean. uhmm....shes my Joanna."
thats just it.
she's Joanna
she's like a second mother and a best friend
i guess thats what she's always been to me.
my friend
i could tell her anything.
and she the same.
and to sit with her and talk for 3hours?
was just so...
it felt soo good.

I missed her.
and my brother.
and all i kept thinking is
i cant believe theyre here
it was like a dream almost.
and what a wonderful dream it was
even better was that it was real.

we talked about everything.
work. school. Julius. everything.

I hope we can do this again soon.

i just...
i need to find a way to talk to my dad now.
i need to fix that.
and i know i say it a lot.
i just.
idk.
i need to...i guess suck it up and just talk to him.
soon.

not now.
but soon.

In an altogether different note...

i am incredibly exhausted.
and i have no idea why.

im usually soooo hyped up in weather like this.
but today im just akljgv;oidsnvoleanwd;ovcl

i think its just cuz yesterday was sooo busy
running around doing things for Poetry Night

[[which was incredibly amazing. ill get to that in a bit]]

and running to a Singers concert

[[also amazing but not as exhilarating nor as refreshing]]

and then back to Poetry.


i cannot believe that its been four years since i timidly joined the poetry club
i cannot believe how much it has grown since we started it.
and above all i never imagined how much it has helped me
how much it has changed me
how much it has saved me.

like theater, Poetry club was my release
the only time where i can run around free and do what i wanted without being afraid of letting myself show.

last night.
looking into that crowd. and realizing that my poetry meetings were numbered.
i wanted to cry.

That club has been my sanctuary.
those people: my family. my pastors. my congregation.

Writing poetry wasnt just an Anti-Drug
it was a lifesaver.
a way to let out everything that ive felt in these past 4years
from sheer happiness. to love. to insanity. to delusional. to depressed. to suicidal. to recovery. to sanity. to happiness. and finally back to love.

i cannot imagine what my life in highschool would have been like without Ms. Scarpari
and everyone else in that club

It was my home away from home
and although i can come back and visit next year
it will never be the same.

and that is exactly how i feel about the theater.
it went from being a place to hide out with a best friend
after poetry club meetings, running around

to a place to wait.
a place to hide.
a place to forget
a place to remember
a place to call my own.

Sanctuaries.
these are my sanctuaries.
and i know that after June i wont be able to claim them as my own

they will be someone elses.
and maybe
just maybe

in four years
ill watch someone else tell me the same.

HAPPY TWO YEARS :]

I cannot believe how fast time has flown
and that i've been writing on this crazzyyy blog of mine
for two years now

oh how you read me
how you've seen me.

sometimes way better than ive even seen myself.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Keep all hands and feet in the vehicle at all times...

So I've been on a crazy
like 90's music spree

I've been listening to a whole bunch of music that i used to love when i was younger.

Currently im listening to N*Sync
why?
i have no idea.

Nostalgia i guess?

its kinda funny.

anyway...
in other news.
Poetry Night tomorrow :]
and im sooooo excited.

but on the same note
i have a feeling im about to make a huge mistake
and i know i say this all the time.
but i really do feel like i am about to do something really stupid.

Lately ive been feeling like im holding my breath.
and every now and then i can feel myself have a brief moment where i can actually breathe properly.
and then im back to this strange anticipating feeling.

what could i possibly be anticipating?!

im nervous.
something is going to happen soon
i dont know what it is.
or whether its good or not
but i can feel it.

ive been incredibly antsy lately.
and i cant completely explain it.

Oh myy what's going on with me >.<

Almost 2years on blogger?!

wow.
thats insaneeee :]

My pen shakes...

I can never sit still...

oh its just another brokedown lyric

off a beatup track...

blahblahblahh

i feel a social selfdestruction coming soon

lets prevent that at all costs shall we?

please, ladies and gentlemen.

i ask you.

keep all hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times

i have no idea what im saying

this whole no filter thing is just not what im used to

ive never wanted to be so open about anything in my life.

Maybe this is a challenge

for you.

and for me.

but mostly you.

i dare you to know me.

i guess.

hahaha.

thats soooooo ironic.

agression

then slightly passive.

lets not hit the backspace

because clearly i can never rewind my words.

lets see where this leads me then.

because the truth is.

i dont know where im going with this

my mind is scrambled

and i find that lately its been scrambled a lot.

and i see one common factor in all of this.

the gcf if you will.

try and figure it out.

because being vague is almost as cool as this other thing...

and it seems to be what i do best

i know that now that im a little more honest about things

i tend to shy away from the topics that i dont want people to know about

but i also dont

see the thing is.

usually if i say i dont want to talk about something

im looking for the person who will be worth telling it to.

oh my.

where am i going with this.

i need to shut my brain down

this spring break

sprung me into a major breakthrough.

and at the same time.

a major physical breakdown.

i feel exhausted.

and yet ive rested enough.

my body hurts.

every part of me.

i find that i like to spread myself too thin

it makes me feel like i have something to do.

my eyes get weary and restless.

and i have a bit of reading for english to do.

but thats not due for a bit so i can manage.

i dont want to go to school tomorrow. >.<

bahh.

i usually like to leave a post on a witty note...

but quite frankly.

ive got nothing.

Silly Girl...

Didnt you know?

He didnt write Romeo & Juliet

For the hearts of the hopeless romantic

He wrote it to be a tragedy...

I've been in a rather poetic mood lately

Quotinglessandwritingmore...

lol.

maybe i should change the name of this blog :p

I wrote another poem today.

I'd share it with you but I'm weary of prying eyes

and little spies.

>.<

alkdjoaiedlk

i have to stop rhyming.

I feel like Dr. Seuss

in all honesty though.

My poem is really good.

and as much as I'd like to share it with the world.

only one person is meant to read it.

Instead of making it a happily ever after

she ended it with a...

Once upon a time...

Once upon a time...

One way mirror to the past...

I reread some old posts on my myspace blog
from three years ago.

I have no idea who that girl is.
when did she become me?
when did i allow her to live?

I am so glad I am not her anymore.
It hurts me.
to read those things.
to remember what it was to be like that.

God, i must sound crazy.
I must be crazy.

Either way.
I like being happy.
and i know this will last.
Im never gonna doubt that again.

Idk.
dont mind me.
im in a strange mood.
the truth is.
i have no idea what im talking about.

im just writing whatever i feel at the moment.
a dangerous thing, really.

ive never been this open about anything
i find that my filter is getting less and less
and im being more and more.
i only weed out the coarse things.
like a broken collander...

my toes are cold.
haha.
i think its a sign of cold feet.
nervousness.
what could i be nervous about

my heart was so heavy two minutes ago
and writing all that im thinking now makes me feel so light.

im no longer that girl.
but i still have to finish picking up her pieces.
she has one part missing.

now to find out how to bring it back together.

like a missing shell in humpty dumpty's egg.
all the kings men can not fix this.
i only need one.

and he's too far to fix.
not in distance no.
not physically.

i have to call my dad.
but how will i find the words to say?

this needs to be settled.
once and for all.

and maybe then...
this one way mirror.
won't reflect me any longer.

This is me. I think?

1. I wear all my emotions on my sleeve.
2. I hate feeling vunerable.
3. Doing this makes me feel vunerable. but i feel like its something i have to do. not for you. but for me.
4. I pretend to know exactly what i want. but the truth is. i dont. not even close. I have an idea.
5. I overthink everything. and i mean EVERYTHING.
6. I speak in double entendres all the time.
7. I generally try to mean everything I say and say everything I mean.
8. I really do care about everyone. Even if i dislike you.
9. I criticize myself all the time. not because i want to find fault but because i want to improve.
10. I spend most of my time trying to be witty and poetic. half the time it makes me feel sloppy and pathetic.
11. I hate feeling pathetic.
12. I have a completely different way of defining pathetic than most.
13. I have never been this honest about myself to anyone. i dont even think I've been this honest with myself.
14. I have no idea why Im writing this but Im not stopping.
15. I generally put up this bitchy attitude when i meet people. Mostly because I'm afraid to trust them too soon.
16. I hate feeling afraid.
17. I've been feeling afraid a lot lately.
18. I hate that time feels like its going so slowly and at the same time i find myself trying to catch up with it constantly.
19. I do not care what most people think of me. BUT there are people whom i would hate to disappoint.
20. I trully am never the same person twice.
21. Sometimes i really feel like ive lost my mind. then i remember that you had to have it, before you can lose it.
22. My favorite number used to be 3. but that was when i was little. and i think its mostly because to me. 3 meant family. it meant being whole. it meant mother. father. baby. but i realize now that family can be more than 3. and now my favorite number is 22 :]
23. I like to be vague.
24. I also like to be very open about things
25. I constantly contradict myself
26. I'm always worried that i confuse people.
27. I highly doubt anyone reads my blog at all.
28. Its pretty disappointing actually.
29. Despite the fact that I've lived here for almost 6years next month. I sometimes catch myself calling Elizabeth home. and i honestly dont know why.
30. I believe in God.
31. but i also believe in experiencing other religions until I've found my own faith.
32. I am afraid that sometime 3years ago. i lost my faith. and i am only starting to find it again. and for that i am trully sorry.
33. This is why i sometimes feel uncomfortable in church. i feel like a fraud.
34. I may not be Catholic. but as much as i get nervous in Cathedrals/Churches I love looking at them.
35. I may seem random. but sometimes my randomness is in fact not even close to being random.
36. I am happier now than I think I have ever been, but that doesnt mean there arent a few things I'd change.
37. I can be the best listener ever.
38. I am always worried that I talk about myself too much.
39. I am always worried that I bother people with my petty problems.
40. I doubt I'm actually going to post this.
41. Because of that I will post it.
42. I constantly dare myself to do things i normally wouldnt. sometimes i take the dare. sometimes i chicken out.
43. I reread everything i write billions of times.
44. I believe that somewhere there exists an alternate reality for every decision we almost made.
45. I would like to see what these places look like, and where i'd be. if i'd be. but i would never change anything.
46. i have been in love with a person before.
47. but i think that i held onto the feeling of love longer than i actually did love.
48. in all honesty i think i was and still am in love with love. the thought of it. and the feeling it gives.
49. I am starting to believe in second chances. although not fully. when i do decide that i am done with you. I. Am. Done. and i dont look back.
50. I want to live a full life.
51. I want to know what that means.
52. I have high hopes for the future of man.
53. I also doubt that there will ever be peace.
54. I do believe in mankind
55. I dont believe in the reasons we fight.
56. I dont sing because i want to show off. or because i think i am better than you.
57. in fact i believe there will always be someone better than me at something.
58. I sing because it helps me escape the current moment. or relive past moments.
59. I want to learn how to play the guitar. right now i only know how to play the NBC chime.
60. I want to continue learning how to play the piano. although i dont think i will pursue it.
61. My feet are always cold. even when the rest of me isnt.
62. I can be very playful.
63. I can be very serious.
64. I can be very shy.
65. I can be loud and obnoxious.
66. I can be very reserved.
67. I can be extremely sexy.
68. I have bunches of notebooks that have the beginnings to several short stories/novels.
69. Hopefully someday i'll finish one.
70. I dont think i will finish one until i finish finding myself.
71. I think that time is coming soon.
72. I love English. The language and the literature.
73. I am very good with languages.
74. I speak fluent English. but i can understand and speak some Spanish, Filipino/Tagalog, and French.
75. If i listen to a language long enough, I can begin to understand it.
76. I started reading at about 1year old.
77. I havent stopped. and i hope never to stop.
78. I want to see the world.
79. I'm afraid to leave my family behind.
80. I hope to be a good mother someday.
81. That day is not coming anytime soon. I want to know that i can tell my child something interesting.
82. I will put the happiness of the people i love before mine.
83. this is my character flaw.
84. this is also my strength.
85. I am in love with a man by the name of William Shakespeare. even though i have only read a few of his works, I will always love him.
86. I love playing with words. and talking in puns. and also extended metaphors.
87. If you can keep up with my dry humor, we will get along amazingly.
88. There is a man that i have never met, never will meet, never know. but at the same time every year. i leave flowers for him at the same street corner. maybe someday his daughter will read this and know that its been me all this time.
89. I think that sometimes we have to hit rock bottom, in order to know what flying high feels like. I have hit bottom. and i can feel myself increasing in altitude.
90. I love you. whoever you are. for reading this.
91. I love you. whoever you are. for laughing at my faults.
92. I love you. whoever you are. for taking me seriously.
93. I love you. whoever you are. for ignoring everything I've written.
94. I love you. whoever you are. for agreeing with me.
95. I love you. whoever you are. for disagreeing with me.
96. I love you. whoever you are. for allowing me to love you.
97. I love you. whoever you are. for hating that i love you.
98. I love you. whoever you are. for hating me.
99. I love you. whoever you are. whomever you were. whoever you choose to be. whomever you want to be. and whomever you will become.
100. I love you. point blank. thats it. no more.

Baby, this isn't the end.
this is only the beginning...

Maybe I am like the weather...

ever changing with a

slight chance of unstable.

cold one day,

and warming up to you the next...

[[if you dont get that reference see: Trade In Your Sentimental Values...]]

I'm just a bundle of mixed emotions right now.
rawrr...
i feel so confused.

and so....

idk.

i find that i spend most of my time overanalyzing every little thing.
and in the end its probably not worth it

i heard once that: there's a reason why your brain is above your heart.
and for a while i countered with: there's also a reason why your heart is at the center of your body.

sometimes i forget that though.
and it seems to me that I'm about as balanced and as aligned as my car right now.
[which, is neither aligned nor balanced at all.]

I, like my car, am leaning to the right
the reason. the rational
never the left.

i need a balance.
i need a way to find how to make myself...
idk.

i feel like i'm missing something.
but i cant seem to figure out what it is....

i have a feeling it is important
and really obvious.

maybe missing something is a little much.
but i feel off track.

its like i have all the momentum
but none of the stamina.

[[11:11...make a wish.]]
thats another thing.
i find myself making the same wish all the time.
I'm like a broken record skipping on repeat.

round and round i go...
where i stop.
nobody knows...

I need a change
and i need it now.

need it quick.
and i can feel it on its way.

Ever watch the tide crash on the shore?
thats kinda what i feel like...

like I'm stuck in high tide
and i keep swimming in one direction
and the waves are pulling me in and out
back and forth.

again I'm not making any sense.

I find that I havent been filtering myself lately
im just saying things
doing things
without thinking...

its like im on Autopilot.

but in an okay way
not like before

No.
never like before.
not in a million years.

I guess, overall, i can only hope that the decisions i end up making
are good. and right for me.

i know that wherever i go and whatever i do
i'll find a way to make things work.

i will never be that pathetic little girl again.

i am stronger now than i ever was before and i know that i will stay that way.
i just need to remember that.
because sometimes.
well...
okay...
a lot of the time...
i forget that.
and i second guess myself.

God, this rant is all over the place
i cant seem to get my thoughts in order.

i feel like a mess.
i look like it too.

ohhh my..
baby im tryingg...

My mind. My hands. My mouth. My eyes. My heart.
they need to find a balance.
and soon.
i dont know how much longer i can take this out of wack feeling.

I need to find time for myself.
I need to meditate.
I havent done that in a while.
Mediate yes. Meditate no.
i should change that.

My shoulders are constantly tense
and honestly it hurts a lot.
I cant sleep
and if i do, i find myself waking up at random intervals

Psychologically, i know thats bad.
and it probably means something
scratch that. i know exactly what it means.
ohhh myyy.

whatever.
i better stop now.
i need to sleep.

goodnight.
iloveyou.
i mean that.
whoever you are
big. small. black. white. short. tall. boy. girl.

iloveyou.

and maybe that
is my tragic flaw.

I feel like...

everything is happening so fast.

how the hell is it already March!?
it just dawned on me.

Opening night is in two weeks
and i feel like I'm gonna cry.

I want everything to slow down
i feel like the world is spinning so fast and i cant seem to align myself according to its axis.
and when i think i do.
it flips.

does that make any sense?
i doubt it.

nothing i say makes sense.
not even to me half the time.

sometimes it makes me feel like a fraud.

and yet.
in the same way that i want everything to slow...
i want time to fly fast.
i want to graduate
i want to leave
i want to find myself more than i have
i want to...
i dont know.
i dont know what i want
it seems that lately i never do.

and in a way
im so grateful im never home
because to be honest
i need to stay busy.
i need to have a reason to not stop to think
because i know that if i do.
i wont know what to do with myself.

oh God.
where do i go from here?

i dont want to leave everyone i love.
but i want to
but i dont

ajkld;joiane;dlks/pn;fnd;jshnsdbhfea
im sick of being scared
but i dont know how to not be.

the truth is:
im not sure at all.
im just as confused as everyone else.
i just do a damn good job at bluffing

sometimes i can even fool myself.

wait a sec...

It cant be two years from now!

thats too fast
too soon!

no
it has to be two years from something though.
an anniversary?



wtf?!
im soooo confuseedddddd..... :[

hold upp
lets calm down and assess the situation:

maybe it wasnt my dream?
but someone elses?
in retrospect it sounds like something that already happened
and now that i think about it...
the timing fits right?
everything.
the new years...
november...

maybe it wasnt my dream.
no.

no it wasnt.

so how does that make me feel?
lol.
even more confused than before...

Its another night, another dream wasted on you...

I have just had the WEIRDEST dream of all time.

i dont think its the big dream i've been anticipating.

I dont know if it will come true
or if i want it to yet
[although i was very happy in the dream]

but all i know is...
2011.
yeah thats gonna be one interesting year.

so i wrote it down.
in a note to myself
and i hid it.
and if in 2011 on january 1st
what i wrote is true.

then holy shit!
>.<

i know who it is
and what it is
and when it is.
i just dont know if it is.

and the crazy part is.
i know that the way it happened in my dream
is probably how it would happen in real life.
and i know this may not make sense to any of you
[if anyone actually reads these]
but it does to me.

for now.

but the question is:
will i say yes?